Youngman Jokes

. . . I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami."


She told me, "We can't do that!"


I told her, "Well you did it last week!"


- Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places he said stop going to those places

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 41 years if my wife finds out she’ll kill me

A man walks into a library and asks I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology

There was a beautiful y... read more

Two old schoolmates who hadn’t seen each other in decades meet up on the street

Bob asks George, “What’s new?”

George: “I’ve been married three times and all three of my wives have died.”

Bob: “All three died...how?”

George: “My first wife died from eating poison mush... read more

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

A woman is staying at a hotel and calls down to the front desk. She complains that the bed in her room vibrates so much when the train passes on the nearby tracks that she is thrown out of bed. The hotel manager doesn't believe her and goes to the room to investigate. Once he gets there he lays d... read more

youngman: "hey doc I never done one of this before."

doctor: "its fine just take your panta off."

youngman: "where should I put my pants?"

doctor: "next to mine is fine."

...The psychiatrist says, "You're nuts!"

The man says, "I want a second opinion!"

Psychiatrist says, "OK, you're ugly, too!"

[ Apologies to Henny Youngman ]

The guy answers, "Go ahead, the customer's always right..."

- H. Youngman

**She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.**






Source: The furthest source I could track this anecdote back to was Henny Youngman

We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...

I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

Credit - Henny Youngman

-Henny Youngman