UPJOKE
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Yay Jokes

Yay, linguistics.

waiter: what kind of beer would you like?
customer: IPA, please.
waiter: /wɑːt kaɪnd əv beɪr wʊd juː laɪk/?

Yay got a PS5 for my kid.

She cried a bit when I left but I'm sure her new parents will love her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.

Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.

Me: Yay, I got a yob!

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling this girl about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

“Yesterday." I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

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Yay for bar jokes!

A bartender is bored at work, as it is a slow night. There are far fewer customers than usual, and he still has another two hours before close. One of his patrons is quite drunk, but running low on money. The drunk man says "Hey barkeep! If you give me a free drink, I will recite all 50 states back...

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?”

The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.”

Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!”

The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”

Q: how big is it when someone cheers for you!

A: it’s about “yay” big.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does it take to change the po po...

...into poop?

A vowel movement.

My first contribution! Yay, me.

Genie: you have three wishes

me: make math go away

Genie: ok, that one's on the house

me: yay, so I still get three wishes?

Genie: huh?

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

The Pope & his crossword puzzle

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person...

How long should a celebration be?

I reckon about yay long

What did the furry cowboy say when he was excited?

“Yiffy-ki-yay!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is extra virgin olive oil NSFW ?

Not Safe For Wok.

\[yay dumbest joke of the day\]

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Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

Why was 10 traumatized?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11







YAY IT'S MAH CAKEY DAY!

I broke my arm in 4 places

The doctor told me to stop going to those places.

(Yay it’s my cake day)

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What did Edward say after taking Bella's tampon out of the freezer?

"Yay, I love popsicles!"

I hear they're doing a remake of Die Hard starring Peppa Pig.

They're calling it "Yippie Ki Yay, Muddy Puddles"

Guys you don’t need to be attractive to never get rejected

Just be ugly enough that no girl wants to talk to you, it’s worked out for me..... so..... yay..

We all know a pirate's favorite letter(s), but what's a Spaniard's favorite letter?

It's n, yay!

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Two men are having a shower at the gym...

...until they realize they forgot to bring along some soap. One of the men steps out to go and get two bars of soap for them to use.

On his way back, he ran into three blonde women passing by. Frozen by the embarrassment of him walking around naked, he made like a statue and stood still.
<...

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

A doctor is talking to a patient.

P: Am I going to be okay?

D: You're as healthy as a horse-

P: YAY!

D: -with cancer.

Husband came home rushing home all excited.

He opened the door and walked in to see his wife on the couch watching TV. He said, “Oh my god, I just won the lottery. A lot. I mean a LOT. Hurry upstairs and pack your bags.”

The wife, now excited too, starts getting up and asks, “Yay, where are we going?”

Husband replies, “No, I wo...

What noise does a ceiling fan make?

GO CEILING!!! WHOOOHOOO!!!! YOUR NUMBER ONE!! YAY, CEILING RULES!!!

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

What's the most exciting height to be?

Yay high.


: ^)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

I dreamed that I discovered a new color,

but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Original joke, yay!

Are you guys watching the Kentucky Derby?

Yay or neigh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This new amazon echo is really amazing

I set it up today and said “Make my day” and got a list of Clint Eastwood movies

Then I said “yippie Kay yay” and got a list of Bruce Willis movies

Just then my neighborhood kids were running and screaming outside the house

I muttered “Fucking kids”

And a bunch of Kev...

Why does the Pope keep his underwear on while bathing?

Because he doesn't like looking down on the unemployed.


First to ever post this joke here, yay!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Shi Huang Di

Shi Huang Di Who?

She wan DEEEEEZ NUTS!

Yay for history jokes.

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A mathematician's daughter stumbles home drunk at 2:30am. Her dad is understandably pissed.

"If I've told you n times, I've told you 100n times, you're not to come home late. I told you to be home by 11:45, you're almost 2 hours late"

"No dad, you told me to be home by a quarter of 12. I'm 30 minutes early!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If y...

some knock knock jokes my daughter told me on the way home from school

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Banana skin."
"Banana skin, who?"
"Yay! Someone slipped on me! You know, *because people slip on banana skins*."

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Toilet paper."
"Toilet paper, who?"
"Noooo! Don't wipe me on your d...

So I was sitting in divorce court...

and I realized: its a shame a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of rabid wolves.


Yay Jack Handy.

A friend recently asked me if I had ever known a kid who was going places

I told him that I knew a blind kid who was definitely going somewhere. It was this boy in a first grade class that I was an assistant in. Everyone bullied him cause of his disability, kids are pretty terrible after all. They didn’t care about him or who he was, I’d wager half of them didn’t even ...

The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to...

Cloud Roulette

Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself.

"Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..." Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, "Names!"

All men respond with their full names.

"Okay then... What? That's odd... None o...

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