Going To Jokes - 87 Hilarious Going To Jokes

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

Going to the Soviet Union

The Finnish President was planning a visit to a border town in the USSR. The local Kommissar, hoping to impress the Finns, decided to visit a local school. In preparation, he had all the children learn new songs, march in formation, wear their best uniforms, etc. Propaganda at its finest.

The...

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What does a stripper do to her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon

Me Why?

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.

Not by choice though.

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

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They're going to have to change the name of the U.S Virgin Islands

They're about to get fucked

I was going to finalize my research as to why vaccines are bad today

But all of the research sites are down.

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

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It's going to be easy for Trump to build that wall...

... everyone's shitting bricks everywhere

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

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Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

I was going to make a fat joke

It didn't work out.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

I’m going to name my son ‘science’

So that he can win every argument with: “well, science says that…”

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

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“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…

Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke.

But you didn't like it.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I'm going to freeze myself -273.15°

My friends are worried, but i will be 0K

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year?

Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it.

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

I was going to post a time travel joke..

But you guys didn't like it.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

A couple was going to get married…

but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months...

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

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I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

I was going to tell a joke about fencing

But then I realised it might just be a riposte

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

I'm never going to find a soul mate.

I really only find redheads attractive.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

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My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?

Elon's Mosque

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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A man has to go to the bathroom.

He enters and finds the only stall occupied.

He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?"

The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no under...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

My dad told us, “I know you guys hate it, but I’m going to wear Velcro shoes from now on….

..I mean, why knot?”

Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says,

"If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward th...

I'm going to kill myself....

or die trying.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

I found $10 on the sidewalk and I was going to keep it, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

My brother took going to jail pretty badly

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.

What is going to replace ObamaCare?

Don.T.Care

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

People really should have known what was going to happen with Communism

There were so many red flags

Soviet joke: A worker standing in a liquor line says: “I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev.”

Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line.

His friends ask, “Did you get him?”

“No, the line there was even longer than the line here.”

I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention.

It'll be as big as the last two put together.

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

I've just found out that my wife has been lying to me. Every morning, she says she's going to leave me.

And when I come home, she's still there.

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