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Who Is Jokes

What do you call a cow who is severely mentally ill?

Udderly Insane.

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A boob, vagina and an asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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Women say they like a man who is "funny" and "spontaneous"

But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight wearing a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police sirens.

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

If women want a guy who is taller than them...

why do they care if he has hair on top of his head?

“Who is your favorite literary vampire”?

The one from Sesame Street

“He doesn’t count”

I can assure you he does….

I will avenge the death of my brother! Who is with me?

Warrior: You have my axe!

Hunter: And my bow!

Necromancer: And your brother!

Then there's the story of a painter who is hired to whitewash a nearby church.

Unfortunately he thins the paint too much, causing it to wash away entirely during the first rain.

The minister calls the painter to voice his grievances. "What do you want me to do about it?" inquires the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister firmly, "And thin no more."

The funny thing about Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

Src: Dallas News , ca. 1929

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What do you call a Pornstar who is competing on Masterchef?

Pansexual

What do you call a person who is willing but hasn’t yet tried Indian food?

Curry-ious

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I figured out who is responsible for all the penis drawings in the bathroom stalls

It was Dick Tracey

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

What do you call a Klingon who is best friends with an expert in spacetime cracks?

A fissure-man's Worf.

Who is this Amber person…

and why does she keep texting everybody about my cars?

So I started dating a ventriloquist who is into BDSM...

Turns out gags are completely ineffective.

Who is the only higher ranked officer in the Chicken Army above Colonel Sanders?

General Tso.

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

I went for the job interview and the interviewer said they are looking for somebody who is responsible....

I said 'I'm your guy!'

They asked why...

'Well at my old job if something went wrong, something went missing or somebody got hurt, they always said I was responsible'

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My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant

In response to the news I just said "Holy fuck!"

What do you call a lawyer who is forklift certified?

A shyster on a Hyster!

Who is cheating?

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

• ⁠


Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

What do you call someone who is multilayered but so full of themselves?

Matryoshka

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so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating...

So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The ...

What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?

Tailor Swift

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

How do you ask someone from Indiana who is their father?

Hoosier daddy?

A vampire who is bad at his job...

...is a Hackula. But one who is good at his job is Spectacula.

Who is the most hate supporter among the Borussia Mönchengladbach football fans?

The guy who shouts out: "give me a B!!"

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

What do you call a swindler full of himself who is walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

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I know a girl who is only attracted to Canadians.

She's Eh'-sexual.

(Original Joke?) What do you call a stick figure who is enthusiastic about working out?

A gymna-stick.

James, please tell me who is the idiot here, you or me?

Well sir, you don't look like a person who would employ an idiot.

Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because he did murder most fowl.

I bought my cousin, who is blind, a cheese grater last Christmas.

He said it's the most violent book his ever read.

What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist?

an Acidic Jew.

\*Slaps Knee\*

What would you call a parent who is always worried about their kids?

Parentoid

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

You can’t wake a person who is

pretending to be asleep.

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Who is the Greek god of fertility?

Testicles

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Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

Who is the chickens favorite composer?

B…b Bach!

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Never befriend someone who is sexually attracted to almonds and pecans.

Eventually you’ll realize they’re fucking nuts.

Who is that guy Rorschach??

and why did he paint so many pictures of my mother..??

Who is the best Pirate actress?

Judy gARRRland.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

What do you call a girl who is always considering surgery to deal with her weight problem?

A lipochondriac

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Who is the second most porn-addicted person in the world?

My FBI-Agent.




Pls send help

Ever want to find out who is more faithful.... your wife or your dog?

lock both in the trunk of your car for 6 hours and watch who is happier to see you when you let them out.

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

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Who is calling

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,"
replies the voice.

"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

"We are all going on a fami...

Who is a Vampires favorite actress?

Neck-hole Kidman.

Was speaking to the person who is fixing my hearing aids

Heard nothing since then

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who is floating in the ocean?

Bob

Who is the most eligible guy at a nudist resort?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand. And a dozen donuts.



Who is the most eligible woman at a nudist resort?

The one who can eat the last donut.

Who is an auctioneer's favorite rapper?

MC Hammer

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Woman: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Man: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

A guy who is sick goes to the doctor

The doctor says you have what we call "Tom Jones disease."

The patient says "Oh my God! I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says "It's not unusual."

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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What do you call asian man who is single

Lone lee

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

In every marriage, there’s one person who is always right…

…and the other person is the husband.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do no cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

I have a friend in prison who is very kind.

Someone asked him to donate his eye, he gave it for free. Someone asked for his kidney, he also gave it for free. Another asked for his hands, he gave them both, free of charge.

My good friend was still willing to donate his legs as well but the Warden didn't approve it.

The Warden sa...

Who is the strongest Arab in the world?

The Protein Sheikh

"Who is John Galt?" I asked.

Atlas shrugged.

What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

A Meanderthal.

An InCel is someone who is involuntarily celibate. What do you call someone who is voluntarily celibate?

Married.

I have a friend who is half Indian.

He's called Ian.

A man sees a kebab shop owner, who is cooking some meat, and asks him a question

"Islam?"

"Yes, is lamb."

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

The alligator, a huge fellow, is seen later and the crocodile, another huge fellow, is seen after a while. There’s a third fellow who is quite small, and you see him very soon. Why?

Because he just Caiman!

who is James bonds favorite bar tender?

Michael J. Fox

Who is the best at getting people stoned?

Medusa.

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If you would date a guy who is funny, has a house and a good job...and don't mind that he is overweight (beer belly) and balding...I've got news for you:

you're probably Homersexual.

who is the pizza savior?

Cheesus Crust

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[OC] What do you call an audiophile who is into furry porn and BDSM?

A subwoofer

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

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My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

I said "well some marry the wrong people, and others slap the shit out of each other."

What do you call a man who is half Welsh & half Hungarian?

Well hung

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I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

Who is hosting next year’s Oscars?

Jerry Springer.

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

Can everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons...

Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

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3 mice debating who is the toughest.

First mouse says "I'm the toughest. I eat the cheese straight off the mouse trap".

Second mouse says "I'm the toughest I bench press the mouse trap, let it slam down and catch the cheese between my teeth"

3rd mouse takes a long drag of his cig, blows the smoke out, taps the cig like ...

What do you call a german who is being an a**hole?

A deutschbag

H. Clinton and D. Trump are In a boat and the boat sprung a leak. Who is saved?

The world

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She's a great lady, has a lot of my same interests, and is really a kind person. She's just really irritating in bed.

She's always saying, "So do like it better like this... or like this?"

(My 8 year old just told me this one) Who is the fish's valentine?

His Gil-Friend!

Idc what ya'll say, that was golden! Lol

The engineers are always bickering about who is the best at computer-aided design.

They are very CAD-dy.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...

Who is the most non-acidic Baseball player ever?

Al-Kaline

Who is the sweetest Saint in history?

St. Rawberry

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Confucius say; Man who is into fisting,

gives shitty handshakes.

I have a Polish friend who is an audio engineer

and a Czech one too. Czech one too.

Told to me by my 8 year old daughter: Who is the smartest pig in the world?

Oinkbert Einswine

What do you call someone who is too afraid of calling themselves left or right wing?

A chicken wing.

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.

Clint EatsWood.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

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What do you call someone who is addicted to anal sex?

A crack addict.

A Soviet gets a survey in the mail and it asks "Who is your favorite Russian?"

The second question was "Please explain why you answered Lenin?"

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

Who is the sister of Bon Jovi?

Anchovy ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who is really good at giving blowjobs?

The head master.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well it...

I could always tell who is feeling awkward at a party.

It's usually within 30 seconds of talking to them.

Who is the most reliable source of weapons to fight against Russians?

Russians.

Who is Anakin Skywalker’s least favorite politician?

BURNie SANDers.
I made that up like a year ago but if someone else thought of it, too, my apologies!

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

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