My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s really time consuming

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

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A hunter tries a new hunting spot

It's a beautiful and large forest,

"I'd be sure to find some deer in here" he thought to himself

After a few hours trying and failing to find any deer the hunter realized he's hopelessly lost. He decides the only way out is to get someone's attention. He aims and fires three times int...

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

A Youtuber tried shooting a stun gun at a person.

What happens next WILL shock you.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

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I tried sending a dick pick.

Got an alert back saying "Unable to send message, file too large"

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I tried Phone sex once.....

but the holes were too small...

I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.

It was shear and udder panic.

When I was 16, my folks tried to surprise me with a car…

They missed.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

I tried climbing that tower in Paris..

but Eiffel.

I tried catching fog the other day...

Mist..

I tried to tell my friend a Nirvana joke…

I told them them the same joke four times and they still didn’t get it.

Whatever, never mind.

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

I tried borrowing the book 1984 but it was out of stock

Literally 1984

"A man with alzheimers tries to recall a joke-"

Wait, that's not how it starts

"A forgetful man tries to retell a story-"

No, no, that not it either

"A man-"

Aww, forget it

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

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Anyone know of a cure for sex addiction?

I’ve tried fucking everything

What did the Atheist mother say to her Catholic son when he tried to say grace?

"Don't pray with your food"

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I tried to stop making innuendos, but it was hard.

So. Hard.

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I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a vixen whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

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Favorite Norm MacDonald joke I heard live

PREFACE: Several years ago Norm was doing standup in Vegas. it was at the South Point casino, a little ways off the strip. At the same time there was a rodeo going on as well. Forget the name of the rodeo but it was advertised as being LGBT friendly. So thus it was known as the "gay rodeo"
<...

A teacher at a religious school was trying to teach her students that violence is never the answer.

Teacher: "When do you think it's alright to use violence?"

*A little girl raises her hand.*

Teacher: "Yes, Sophie?"

Sophie: "When someone tries to take your stuff(?)"

Teacher: "No. If someone tries to take your belongings, try to talk to them or tell a superior. Anyone el...

What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<

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[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

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In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in.

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.

The big day...

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Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!

Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

The emo kid tried to high five the tree

The tree left him hanging

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

This weirdo in the bathroom tried talking to me while I was on the toilet.

Just because the stall door is open doesn’t mean I’m here to chat. Jeez, have some boundaries dude.

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

What happened when the Dalai Lama tried to return to Tibet?

It created Lhasa problems

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

I tried to find an anagram for "napping idiots."

The result was disappointing.

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A strip club joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a w...

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

I asked my bartender if he had ever tried putting sliced oranges in a beer.

He replied, “Once in a blue moon.”

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

A nun tried to kiss me...

and I said, "Woah, woah, woah, sister. I don't want to get into a habit."

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

Police found a dead body with sperm in its mouth...

I guess someone tried to inject new life into it

Hey man will you hand me that tri-fold informational packet?

Bro sure

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

My nickname in the adult film industry used to be Tri-Pod..

I was the best camera man they ever had

I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month

but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus

I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

What did the bull say to the milkman, when he tried milking him?

take the udder one!

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

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Bloke goes into the chemist and asks if they sell Durex. The lady said I'm sorry, were all out. Have you tried Boots?

He said I want to Shag her, not kick her fucking head in!

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