A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted. Tried to S*** but Only farted.

Until one day, I took a chance.
Tried to Fart, and S*** my Pants

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

she screamed at me and said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

I tried to pay for a sweater on credit…

It didn’t go through and the cashier said try the cardigan

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

I tried searching up "Dementia" on google

but for some reason, all the links were purple.

I tried to make an ABBA cover band using entirely woodwind

Unfortunately, the world just wasn't ready for OBBO.

I tried looking up Ernst Gräfenberg, the physician who the G-Spot is named after.

After an hour of looking, I gave up.

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

I tried drag racing the other day.

It's incredibly hard to run in heels.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

I tried to make a joke about safety scissors...

But it was pointless.

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

I’ve failed my electricians exam 3 times. I’ve decided to try meditation to see if that helps.

Ohmmmmm

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

I tried pigeon shooting.

But I had a hard time loading them into my gun.

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I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.

A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady’s house in the United States.



In front of the woma...

They tried to stop me from pronouncing business "busyness"

But i will not be silent anymore

I was near the local playground, and I tried flirting with the cute single mother.

It was a swing and a Miss.

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

The first time I tried parachuting...

The scariest thing happened on my first parachuting lesson. The first time you jump, you get harnessed to the Instructor.

As I plummeted through the air, waiting for the instructor to open the parachute, he turned to me and asked

"So, how long have you been an Instructor for?"

Did you hear about the guy that tried to get a date at a facility for women with eating disorders?

It was slim pickings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

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A nun tries to tech another nun golf

When the trainee swings and misses the promptly states “shit I missed!”

The second nun says, “sister! You cannot curse, you represent our convent!” “I’m sorry,” says the first nun.

The first nun swings and misses again. “Shit! I missed,” she says. The second nun replies, “Sister, if yo...

Someone tried to send me an NFT of Mr. Ed

But I know better than to look a GIF horse in the mouth

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

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[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s really time consuming

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

All my life, I tried to look on bright side of everything...

Now with my cornea damaged, I'm legally blind.

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

My friend tried to start a restaurant called Honkers. But he didn’t get very good business.

Apparently, the idea of a restaurant where all the waitresses have big noses doesn’t appeal to a lot of people.

I tried to think up a good motorcyle joke...

...but it was wheeley hard.

I tried being a hairdresser but I was terrible at it

So I opened a Cap store outside too

A man goes to prison

During his first night, he hears his fellow inmates shouting out.

“37!” Everyone laughs.

“18!” Everyone laughs again.

He asks his cellmate what that’s all about.

“Oh, we’ve been in here so long that we’ve numbered the jokes. Give it a try.”

“63!” No response. H...

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

I tried to explain a concept to my friend using a metaphor about the shallow water along a shoreline.

Didn't work. He took it littorally

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic

“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous”

“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

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I tried Phone sex once.....

but the holes were too small...

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A hunter tries a new hunting spot

It's a beautiful and large forest,

"I'd be sure to find some deer in here" he thought to himself

After a few hours trying and failing to find any deer the hunter realized he's hopelessly lost. He decides the only way out is to get someone's attention. He aims and fires three times int...

I tried to wear skinny jeans once

I couldn't pull 'em off

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I tried sending a dick pick.

Got an alert back saying "Unable to send message, file too large"

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

A Youtuber tried shooting a stun gun at a person.

What happens next WILL shock you.

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Yesterday, I tried to go to work.

But I couldn't gather enough strengh for that shitty job. So i decided fuck it, and handed in my too weak notice.

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

I tried catching fog the other day...

Mist..

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.

It was shear and udder panic.

I tried climbing that tower in Paris..

but Eiffel.

A man at the bar realizes it's getting late and pays his tab to go home

As he tries to get off the stool, he immediately falls flat on his face. "Uh oh, I must have drunk more than I thought," he thinks.

He manages to drag himself over to the front door and pull himself upright, but as soon as he takes a step outside, he falls on his face again.
"Hoo boy, I r...

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