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Tooting Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Two oldsters in a retirement home decide to get married.

But before they can do so, a doctor gives each one a physical to make sure that consummating the marriage would not be too dangerous for them.

He examines the man first, all is OK.

Then he examines the woman. He comes out with a rather somber look on his face and says to the man: «...

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

Last time I rode the train in London, I taught my dog to play the trumpet.

We went from Barking to Tooting.

(you may need to be British to get this joke but trust me it's amazing)

Hobby farm (long)

A city couple, Jim and Fiona bought a small farm to retire on, complete with four cows, but no bull. They wanted the cows to have calves, but couldn’t justify the expense of buying a bull when they only had four cows. As luck would have it, the farmer down the road ran a stud and had prize bulls. Ji...

An older lady visits a doctor to seek help with her frequent gas issues.

**Lady:** Doctor, you've got to help me. Lately I've had uncontrollable gas. Fortunately all my toots are silent and emit no odor. As a matter of fact, in the few minutes you've been in here I've probably tooted 10 times and you can't even tell.

**Doctor:** I see. I have a couple of ideas. Le...

Jeremy Clarkson on the farm.

After a disastrous first year on the farm Jeremy Clarkson hatches a new plan and gets ten sows and a hog to make lots of piglets.
He calls the vet and asks for any help and what to look for. The old vet tells him if the hog has been successful the sows will be asleep on their backs with all for ...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Emergency

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe ...

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