UPJOKE

Too Hot Jokes

What does garlic do when it gets too hot?

It takes its cloves off.

I was once served a grilled cheese sandwich in Switzerland and it was too hot to eat and I injured myself.

I had to go to the Bern ward...

If the sun is too hot...

... don't touch it

Too Hot

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey," he continued, "what would then neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

His wife thought for a moment, then replied, "That I married you for your money."

After so long of Hell being just too hot...

The inhabitants decide to steal a/c units from Heaven and install them, making the place a little more comfortable. When the inhabitants of Heaven learn what's been done, they lash out in outrage. "How dare you! We'll sue you!" they cried.

To which Hell's residents replied: "You can try, s...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

What should you do if your soup is too hot?

Add a chilly pepper.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, 'Waiter, come taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup?'

He says, 'Taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?'

The man says, 'W...

Theres a new computer that begins swearing whenever it gets too hot

They had to install a heat censor

I always wondered how in Goldilocks, the same serving of porridge could be too hot, too cold and just right at the same time.

Then I remembered Hot Pockets

All of my posts consistently get too hot. Honestly on fire would better describe them.

Like I don't even try it just happens! But I swear if it happens to me one more time someone else better start trying to fence off this damn volcano.

Saint Peter isn't feeling too hot.

He's been sick for ages, and the line at the Pearly Gates stretches out as far as the eye can see. One day, Jesus comes by and asks him how he's doing. "Oh Jesus, I can't take it anymore, I mean, people die like every second, and I'm working by myself and doing all the paperwork, and I haven't had ...

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”
“Try it and find out.” The old man responded.
“Is the soup too cold?”
“Try it.”
“I-is it too hot?”
“Jus...

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked...

What did the Monkey say when his bath was too hot?

Ooh-Ooh-Aah- Aah

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There’s apparently an optimal temperature for sex

Usually its too hot or too cold though, it never seems to be the right fucking temperature

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DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

I tried only fans for a bit, but...

My house was still too hot so I ended up getting a new AC system.

There are three men walking in the desert

The first man is carrying a glass of water. The other two men asked him why?

The man replied “if we get thirsty, we can drink it.

The second man is carrying a bowl of rice. The other two men ask why.

The man replied “if we get hungry, we can eat it.”

The third man is car...

Why does Snoop Dogg smoke indo?

Because it’s too hot to smoke outdo.

3 men are going to the desert.

A Ukrainian man, Polish man and Russian man.

They can only bring one item each. The Ukrainian man decides he will bring a case of water. The Polish man decides he would like to bring a Camel. The Russian decides he will bring a car door with him.
When they arrive at the Desert they are ...

Did you hear about the Scottish Space Agency mission to land on the sun?

They went at night to make sure it wouldn't be too hot

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by sayin...

Big Lebowski

I used to have a job making coffee on the set of the Big Lebowski. One day they fired me because the lead actor's coffee was too hot. It was an important lesson about burning bridges.

Blarney

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good lu...

The Devil goes to check on his prisoners.

The devil is checking on all of hells prisoners. So he walks by the first cell, this cell has two Americans in it. "Please, please turn down the heat!" They cry as the devil laughs to himself "good, good." The devil then stops at the second cell, this cell holds two Canadians. These Canadians are lo...

Three men in a desert...

One is carrying a loaf of bread, one has a bottle of wine, and one has a car door. the first man comes upon a magic rock that says "if you answer my question to my satisfaction, I will let you pass!" man #1 says ok. "why do you carry that loaf of bread in the desert?"asked the rock. "well" said man1...

God Wants To Go On Vacation

"Hmm, How about Venus?" An angel says

"No! It's way too hot there I need some place better" says God.

The angels face than lights up when he says "I've got it! How about you go down to Earth?"

God than chuckles and says "Are you kidding? Im not going down there. 2000 years ago...

An engineer dies and reaches hell.

It's way too hot there. The engineer finds out the A.C is not rightly installed and fixes it. There are televisions but none are working. The engineer soon finds out what's wrong with the cable receiver and fixes it too. He fixes the electricity circuit and it's no longer dark. He also gets wifi con...

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Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

Why did the blond take a car door down to the beach?

If it get too hot he could just roll the window down and let some cool air in

The breakdown of what to do in all seasons

Summer:too hot to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Winter:too cold to go outside so you stay in playing video games
Autumn:too much pollen outside so you stay in playing video games

God couldn't decide where to go for a holiday

The angels suggested the the planet Venus.
"Too hot," said god.

Then they suggested Pluto?
"Too cold," said god.

What about planet Earth they wondered.
"Hell no," said god. I was down there about 2,000 years ago. Slept with some woman named Mary - and they're still talking a...

Now the devil said "here's where you'll dwell,"

"so get used to the sulfer-ey smell."
"You may think it's too hot,"
"but you earned what you got,"
 to one Tony Scalia, in hell.

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Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to ...

3 people are in a desert and a genie appears

Genie: I will grant you all one wish each.

Person 1: it’s kind of hot out here, I wish for some water

The genie grants the wish and gives the person water.

Person 2: I don’t want to be here, I wish to go home.

The genie takes the person back home with a snap of his finger...

Two monkeys are in a bath

One monkey shouts "uh uh uh uh AH AH AH AH AHHHHHH!!!"

then the other one says "well put some cold water in if it's too hot"

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Here's some one line jokes

A guy was crouched next to a grave, so another man walking by inquired "mourning?" to which he replied "no just taking a shit".


Three girls were walking through a graveyard and they looked scared so I decided to walk then through it. They asked me if I wasn't scared of graveyards I said "...

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Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

A guy is walking through the desert when he meets three men going the other way.

One is drinking out of a water bottle, one is looking at his phone and the third one is dragging a car door. He stops to talk to them.

"Why are you guys out here?" he asked.

"Our car broke down in the middle of the desert, so we started walking to see if we could find help. I figured I...

I am like the perfect day...

Not too hot and not too cool.

Respect for a joke not well received as a comment, bon appetit!

Me:"Waiter, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"Whats wrong with the soup?"

Me:"Sir, would you mind please, taste the soup!"

Waiter:"The soup is too hot?!"

Me:"No, but taste the soup"

Waiter:"Whats rhe matter, soup too cold?!"

Me:"Sir, just taste the soup"

Waite...

Happy Hanukkah! Here's a Hanukkah joke:

**Q:** What did the candles say when the menorah complained about getting too hot?

**A:** Whoa, a talking menorah.

**Q:** Which hand is best to light the menorah with?

**A:** Neither, it's best to light it with a candle.

**Q:** What is the best H...

Like A Diamond

Tom and his two best friends, Jerry and Bill, are talking.

“You know fellas,” said Tom, “the other day I heard this guy say to his crush that he always had to wear sunscreen and shades around her.”

“Why was that” asked Jerry

“Because she was too hot”

“And the shades?” ask...

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On math exam

Professor is fed up with the group of his students. So on exam he decides to flunk some students.
The first student comes in.
P: You’re driving a car. You feel really hot, what do you do?
S: I shall pull down a window
P: at what speed does the air come from outside inside the car?
The...

Irish

Being upset that the world is making jokes about them.. the Irish government decided to launch a massive campaign to show the world that they are not actually simple...

So they announced a media conference telling the world that they will send a rocket onto the sun.....

Someone asked i...

Three guys are driving through the desert in an old Jeep when it breaks down 50 miles from the nearest watering hole.

Guy 1 claims “it’s only 50 miles to water, grab what we need to protect us from the heat and let’s walk” he gathers up a water container and car seat blanket and sets off.

Guy 2 thinks for a while and then decides to follow, so he grabs an old umbrella from the trunk and follows guy 1, please...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

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Oral Exam

Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor. The prof asks the first blonde:

"You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?"

"I open the window."

"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind bl...

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

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Mama Bear Papa Bear and Baby Bear...

Are sitting at the table for breakfast. The Papa Bear says "my porridge is too hot!" And the Mama Bear says "my porridge is too cold!". The baby bear says "bitch bitch bitch, can't you guys ever be happy about anything?"

... As told by an 84 year old Italian man who was a patient of mine at...

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What’s the difference between people and pizza?

There’s no such thing as a person too hot to stick your dick in.

Girl, you’re like steam.

Too hot, but I’ll try touching you anyway.

^^^^^.


^^^^^.


^^^^^.

(This is just a joke. Dont actually do this.)

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