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Smoking Weed Jokes

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

Why did the cows stop smoking weed

Because it got to the point where the steaks were too high !

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

Apparently smoking weed makes you gain weight

That explains my Pot belly

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

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The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

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A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sloth was on the top of a tree smoking weed.

The Gecko saw it and went to ask for a hit and the Sloth said "Sure man! Take a big hit that's some good shit".
Almost immediately after taking a hit the Gecko started coughing like crazy. The Sloth then said to the Gecko "Damm go to the river and drink some water. I told you that's some good shi...

Why was smoking weed so bad in 500 A.D.?

Because you’d get stoned.

If smoking weed causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking weed do?

I divulged state secrets after smoking weed

I was charged with high treason

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

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My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

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In court for smoking weed

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in ...

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

I've never actually been caught smoking weed.

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

I'm giving up smoking weed for a year.

That's not right.

I'm giving up, smoking weed for a year.

Dad: a little birdie told me you are smoking weed.

Son: so now you are talking to birds and I am the one supposed to be smoking weed.

Making pizza is like smoking weed

You need dough to get baked

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A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

a joke thats originally in arabic, but I think translates well.

3 men are smoking weed when the cops show up. Panicked, one hides undrneath a car, the other climbs up a telephone pole, and the last hides under a donkey.

The cops find the first guy and ask him if he was smoking weed, and he replies "im just a mechanic, and havent smoked a day in my life" s...

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I heard smoking weed keeps you regular. . .

Everyone tells me “Shit or get off the pot!”

I was expelled for smoking weed at school

All I wanted was a higher education

Koale who smokes weed

Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,

After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" h...

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Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey was smoking weed up in a tree...

.. When suddenly a small lizard walked by.

"What are you doing up there?" The Lizard asked

"I'm smoking some weed. You should try some, it's real' good!" The monkey replied.

Not having anything to lose, the lizard accepted.

A little while later, the lizard was feeling thi...

Whats it called when an old person gets hurt smoking weed?

Joint pain.

A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill...

At least he went out on a high note

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

I went 14 yrs without drinking alcohol or smoking weed

Then I entered high school

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking weed...

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking marijuana when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, "What are you smoking?" The monkey says, "Some of the best weed I've ever had, come & try." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they both smoke the marijuana.

Af...

The captain and some navigators are smoking weed on the bridge on the titanic

When all of a sudden a cadet bursts in from the door releasing a big cloud of weed smoke right into his face. The cadet ignores it and starts exclaiming:

"Captain! I've spotted a huge ice block of ice right in our path, we need to change course, or we will hit it!"

"Naah, don't worry ...

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

I love smoking weed in a home improvement store.

Best way to take your highs with your Lowe's.

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