A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

The barman says “We don’t serve time travellers in here”.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

I served a pot of chili to a table of anti vaxxers and jokingly told them it could double as a covid test.

They thought it was a bit tasteless.

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Grandpa gets served.

Little Tommy sat on the porch with his grandpa while visiting last Summer. Grandpa tells Tommy to fetch him another beer from the ice chest Tommy was sitting on. Tommy hands over the beer and asks "May I have a beer too grandpa?" Grandpa looks Tommy up and down and replies " IDK son, can you dick re...

What do you call a layoff notice served in a bag of coffee?

Grounds for termination.

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Justice is best served cold

Because if it was served hot it would be Justwater

Whenever I make Eggs Benedict, I always serve it on a hubcap.

Cause there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, “hey we don’t serve your kind here.”

The Higgs Boson particle said, “but you can’t have mass without me.”

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

I should open a bar that serves only shots and sipping whiskies, and is called...

Drinking, Fast and Slow

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

What can you serve but not eat?

A tennis ball.

A man came into the butcher shop yesterday and asked if we serve soft Italian sausage…

‘N do ya?

Yeah that’s the one.

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They served pizza at work today, and I finally understand the saying "pizza is like sex".

Because I didn't get any.

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

I wanted to open a new Strip Club that serves seafood.

Calling it Bass To Mouth

what kind of drink does the genie bartender serve?

a djinn and tonic

What do they serve at the medicore Chinese restaurant?

General so-so's chicken

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.

They lost the opener.

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A Tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his Cava Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, delicious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor. You have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight today. A delicacy!"
The tourist said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me a...

I got served by a one armed waiter the other day

You have to hand it to him

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.


A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

The Story of Creation as told by Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that ma...

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Hitler used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."

How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?

"Do you know what day ...

A string walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve strings in here."

So the string goes outside, tangles itself up, mashes itself up a bit, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here?"

"No. I'm a frayed knot."

Why do mechanics hate people who serve in the military?

because no one ever thanks them for their service.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "Whites only" and help us out!

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served

When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Log...

I've learned that restaurants in Denmark would rather serve five Germans than one American.

Something about five customers being better than one.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

What do you call chicken nugget's served in a pub?

Bar-tenders

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

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A blind man goes to his local Subway everyday for lunch

One Monday, he went up to his subway and ordered his usual BLT. He enjoyed BLT’s, and they were easy to order since he couldn’t point at the ingredients he wanted due to his blindness. The worker gave the man his sub, and the man ate his sub only to find it tasted sweet and juicy. He went up to the ...

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

A redditor and a girlfriend walk into a bar....

No really, i have a girlfriend, the bartender could also see her and served her a drink.



Seriously WTF, sub? :)

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type."

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

What kind of food do they serve at Medieval Times?

Farm to Fable.

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A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

A weasel walks into a bar, the bartender says "wow I've never served a weasel before, what will it be?"

"pop" goes the weasel

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches

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A horse walks into a bar

The bar tender says, "sorry, we don't serve horses here." The horse protests, "but I'm not a horse!" To which the bartender responds, "why the fuck would you take horse dewormer if you're not a horse?!"

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

What do you call a tasty Mexican demon dog served in a restaurant?

A chalupacabra.

I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.

That meant the steaks were just too high for me.

What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party?

Pot Roast. Ba dum dum

Which state serves the smallest drinks?

Mini soda

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Open Season on Nerds

This truck driver was driving through the Silicon Valley. He decides he needs a cup of coffee so he pulls into this truck stop. As he goes in the door he sees a sign that says "No Nerds will be served." He sits down at the bar, and the bartender comes over to him. The truck driver says, "I'll have a...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

What's the most unhealthy meal served in a nursing home?

The Seizure salad.

A Muslim couple visit a restaurant known for serving exotic food. As they peruse the menu, the husband exclaims, "Wow! That gorilla burger sure looks good!"

His wife looks up in surprise. "That's haram, bae!" she admonishes.

Eat at Steve's

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
...

What do sharks serve their guests at parties?

A sharkcuterie

What do you call a dog who serves icecream?

Scoopy-Doo

What do you call a strip club that serves spaghetti and meatballs?

Titaly

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

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Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your roo...

A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”

A young man was sent to serve at the navy

He sees a drawing of a naked woman on the wall and a hole drilled in the necessary spot. He sees a line of sailors infront of the wall, he goes to the captain and asks:


"Captain, can I try?"


The captain responds with: "Ofcourse, go ahead"


The new sailor goes to the l...

Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…

The first man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria”

The second man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur”

The third man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there’s a sign o...

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

We tried that new fusion restaurant that only serves intestines and organ meat.

It was offal.

A bacteria walked into a bar and was told by the bartender, "We don't serve bacteria here."

The bacteria said, "But I work here -- I'm staph."



credit: Princeton Review 2021 GMAT Prep Book

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

A Bear walks into a bar

A Bear walks into a bar in Barnaby BC. Asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied " sorry we can't serve bears in Barnaby bc". The bear replied if you don't serve me I will eat the woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender replied sorry.... And the bear ate her... then he wan...

From my 5 year old: An eyeball walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, “I can’t serve you! Where’s your mouth?”

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Did you know that cultures with arranged marriages typically serve melon at the wedding feast?

Yep. It symbolizes the fact that they cantelope.

A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti

So I put in a re-straining order.

I wanna open a restaurant for girlfriends that only serves 2 things

"I don't care" and "just not that"

"You can be whoever you want to be!"

Instructions unclear. Currently serving time for identity theft.

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

So a rope walks into a bar

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind. "

The rope leaves, parts it's head and ties up his chest before entering the bar.

The rope enters again.

The bartender asks "aren't you the same rope? "

The rope says "well I'm a frayed knot. "

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Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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Jumper cable joke

A guy from the country has some work to do in the city. It's all paperwork and he hates that shit. When he finally gets everything finished he decides to stop and have a beer before driving back home.

Unfortunately, the first place he stops is a posh fern bar. The bartender goes, "Dude, I ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

A piece of string walks into a bar

and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approac...

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

What kind of pasta is served at Forrest Gumps restaurant?

Penn-ay!

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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I wanted to become someone serving the community and helping people ever since i was little.

On Mondays - Thursdays, i am a doctor. Fridays - Sundays , I'm a Police officer. Being a stripper is challenging.

A posh guy walks into a restaurant and demands the waiter to serve him a chicken from Suffolk

The waiter says "Very well! Take a seat, sir! I shall check with the chef and see what we have to offer."

So the waiter goes to the kitchen and after asking for a chicken from Suffolk the chef looks at him with a strange face. He hands him a random cooked chicken and tells him to bring that ...

Did you hear the joke about the empty bar that served Sangria?

There was no punch line.

Men in black. After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord. He decided to seek help from his younger self. Why did he travel to sixty years ago?

K, 9.

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

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