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Rectal Jokes

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Rectal Glaucoma

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss.

The man replies, "I just can't see my coming in to work today."

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

What do you call an Italian rectal thermometer?

Innuendo

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

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My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete anymore!

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some has my pen"

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Don’t you just hate when your halfway through your rectal exam and remember...

**You're at the dentist.**

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A nurse passes the rectal surgeon a beer...

The rectal surgeon says 'No! I ordered a ** light."

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

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Rectal stretcher

I was driving down the highway going a little too fast when I look in my rear view and a state trooper is pulling me over. I pull to the shoulder and he approached my window, he asks, “do you know how fast you were going?” I quickly try to explain to him that I’m a doctor and I’m on my way to an imp...

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What did the doctor say to the astrologer when the rectal thermometer broke?

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mercury is rising in Uranus."

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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some has my pen!"

What do you call aspirin when given rectally?

An Analgesic

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

A man went to the doctor about rectal itching.

After the exam he asked the doctor "Is it hemmorhoids?".

The doctor replied "That's how they started, but they have grown a good deal. I think I would call these meatier rhoids".

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

I always use this joke when going to Dr's, or any medical situation. It never fails to get a great laugh.

What do you call an excellent rectal biopsy?

A great piece of

Science has developed a new antidepressant that is administered rectally

They call them Suppositives

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I told my boss I couldn't come into work because I had a bad case of rectal myopia

"What the is rectal myopia?" he asked.

"I can't see my getting to the office today."

When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.



(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)

Bonus joke:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister,...

What is the difference between a utero-rectal fistula and a train load of army backpacks?

One is a shunt full of kit.

I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

Dude, I just came back from the doctors! He said I have rectal necrosis!

"deadass?"

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A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:

'Dammit, some has my pen!'

Why do doctors use two fingers for a rectal exam?

For a second opinion.

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

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I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered ", some has my pen".
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