Rectal Jokes - 36 Hilarious Rectal Jokes

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Rectal Glaucoma

One morning, a man calls his boss to tell him he'll be out sick. The boss presses for specifics, and the man says, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma." "And what does that mean?" asks the boss.

The man replies, "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today."

I have a bad habit of screaming during rectal exams.

It really makes my patients nervous.

What do you call an Italian rectal thermometer?

Innuendo

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

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My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

I was at the doctor, getting the digital rectal exam, and the doctor says:

"At this point of the exam it is normal to get an erection"

I said"I don't have an erection"

The doctor says "No. But I do"

Don’t you just hate when your halfway through your rectal exam and remember...

**You're at the dentist.**

Doctor to patient: Don't worry, It's pretty common to get an erection during a rectal examination

Patient: I don't have an erection..
Doctor: But I do.

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

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A nurse passes the rectal surgeon a beer...

The rectal surgeon says 'No! I ordered a *butt* light."

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What did the doctor say to the astrologer when the rectal thermometer broke?

"I'm sorry to inform you that Mercury is rising in Uranus."

When you have an “I hate my job” day…

Try this out:

Stop at your local pharmacy, goto their thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the blinds, change into your comfy clothes, sit on your favourite ch...

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Rectal stretcher

I was driving down the highway going a little too fast when I look in my rear view and a state trooper is pulling me over. I pull to the shoulder and he approached my window, he asks, “do you know how fast you were going?” I quickly try to explain to him that I’m a doctor and I’m on my way to an imp...

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A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

What do you call aspirin when given rectally?

An Analgesic

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

A man went to the doctor about rectal itching.

After the exam he asked the doctor "Is it hemmorhoids?".

The doctor replied "That's how they started, but they have grown a good deal. I think I would call these meatier rhoids".

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

Science has developed a new antidepressant that is administered rectally

They call them Suppositives

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I told my boss I couldn't come into work because I had a bad case of rectal myopia

"What the fuck is rectal myopia?" he asked.

"I can't see my ass getting to the office today."

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What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

(My dad loves this joke. He loves jokes that are slightly dirty and involve doctors, nurses, nuns or priests. Anyone got any more?)

Bonus joke:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, "Sister,...

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At her annual checkup the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.

She bends over the examining table but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's NOT my rectum!"

Said the doctor, "That's not my thermometer!"

Just then the woman's husband comes into the room. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands.

"I'm taking your wife's te...

Dude, I just came back from the doctors! He said I have rectal necrosis!

"deadass?"

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

I always use this joke when going to Dr's, or any medical situation. It never fails to get a great laugh.

What do you call an excellent rectal biopsy?

A great piece of ass

I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

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A nurse began writing a letter with a rectal thermometer

When she realised it wasn't working she exclaimed:

'Dammit, some arsehole has my pen!'

What is the difference between a utero-rectal fistula and a train load of army backpacks?

One is a shunt full of kit.

Why do doctors use two fingers for a rectal exam?

For a second opinion.

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

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I asked my proctologist why he had a rectal thermometer behind his ear.

The proctologist was baffled, got annoyed and answered "fuck, some asshole has my pen".

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