On Top Jokes - 94 Hilarious On Top Jokes

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Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

What would happen if a piano fell on top of you?

You'd b-flat.

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building.

The first one opens his lunch box and goes "Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump!". The second one opens his lunch box and also goes "Man, anoth...

What do you call a dog that works on top of buildings?

A ruffer

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Why does Melania get on top?

Because Donald is only capable of fucking up.

Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree?

Because they're good at it.

What do you call someone who's on top of everything when it comes to news, technology, video games, nsfw, and everything else?

an Apex redditor

If you stack two tacos on top of each other, you get two tacos.

But if you stack two lasagnas on top of each other, you get one lasagna.

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

All these jokes about Hamlet on top of a dictionary are getting tiresome

When it's just a play on words.

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

there wasn’t a hare on his head

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car

Now everyone waves at me

My Nokia slipped out of my hand and landed on top of my car so I took it to Best Buy

But they said they don’t fix cars

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down....

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
Th...

a snail goes to a fancy dress party with a girl sitting on top of it

The host says: "what have you come as?"
- I've come as a turtle
- and who's the girl?
- that's Michelle!

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An old bull and a young bull are standing on top of a hill overlooking the grazing area. The young one says, "Why don't we run down there a fuck a cow?"

The old bull replies, "Why don't we walk down, and fuck them all?"

How do you call a Lada on top of a hill?

A miracle.

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And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?

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Science fiction

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But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?

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An interesting place for a Lada factory.

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

What's brown, smelly and sits on top of a piano?

Beethoven's Last Movement

Why was sin lying on top of cos at the beach?

They were tanning.

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An elderly man is feeling horny, so he rolls over on top of his wife.

He says, "wow, you're tight, but boobs are boney." She says, "you're on my back."

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I had sex with a woman on top of a keyboard

I made her qwert

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Chuck Norris is always on top during sex

Because Chuck Norris never fucks up

I refuse to throw out the liquid on top of my yogurt.

That would be wheystful.

I put a sticker of a cricket on our pontoon top

I call him Bimini Cricket

What's white on top and black on the bottom?

Society

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A company of soldiers were route-stepping through a valley, when a Marine appeared up on top of a nearby hill and said: "You Army guys fight like girls!"

The Army captain said: "First Squad, get up there and teach that Marine a lesson!”

Ten soldiers go charging up the hill and disappear over the top. Sounds of fighting are heard, then the Marine appears, straightens his shirt out, and yells down to the soldiers "Come on now, don't any of you p...

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What do you call 20 naked men sitting on top of each other's shoulders?

A scrotum pole.

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Wonderwoman was sunbathing naked on top of the justice league tower...

Superman was flying over and he had the idea that "hey I'm quick as lightning, I could go down there and have sex with her really quick then be out of there in a second." So he flies down, gets the job done and flies off. Wonderwoman jumps up and goes "what the hell was that?" Invisible man replies ...

Men who are bald on top are great thinkers and men who are bald on the back of their heads are great lovers and...

men who are bald on the top and the back *think* they are great lovers.

Once there was a young boy, around 8 years old, who lived in a village at the bottom of a hill. On top of the hill was a temple where monks lived.

One day, he heard a strange sound coming from the top of the hill. Curious, he walks up the hill and knocks on the giant doors at the front of the temple. The head monk answers the door and asks what he can do for the kid. However, when the kid asks what the sound was, he simply replies, “I can’t te...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later He built a wall with barbed wires on top.

A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.

Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.

The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.
The consultant explained: "First of all.. stand 60 feet ...

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

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Three men are on top of a roof

The first one says “If I jump off this roof and shout an object, I will land in it”. The others don’t believe him, so he jumps off and shouts “HAY” and lands safely in a big pile of hay. Now seeing that it’s safe, the second one jumps and yells “Pillows” and lands safely in a pile of pillows. Finall...

Why do we put candles on top of a cake?

Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

What did the cholo say when several houses fell on top of him?

"Get off me, homes!"

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

As they stood on top of The Eiffel Tower, watching a beautiful sunset, he got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”

She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”

He said, “Help! My replacement knee is made of magnets.”

Did you know: If you stacked every elephant on earth on top of each other...

...most of them would fall.

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3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

Nelson was 5ft 4". His statue on top of the column in London is 18ft.

Thats Horatio of about 3:1

A rooster lays an egg on top of a roof. Which way does it roll?

Roosters don’t lay eggs.

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So there was a bar on top of the Empire State Building...

And a man went to the top and ordered some scotch. While he was drinking a man came up and ordered some tequila, drank it, and jumped over the edge of the building. The man, horrified to what he saw, was then surprised to see the same man who jumped over walk out of the elevator and sit down at the ...

A religious man was stuck on top of his house because of a flood

A man came by in a boat and said "Quickly get in or you're gonna drown!"
The religious man said "I don't need saving by you, God will save me!" So the man rowed away.
Another man came by in a boat and said the same thing, but the religious man knew that God would save him so he refused.
...

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A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain

A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it.

The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew ...

I have a medical condition, where i sometimes Turn into a small Tower with a weapon on top.

My doctor said, it is called "Turret-Syndrome"

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 all piled on top of each other

The odds were stacked against me.

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

How do you get on top of an ice shelf?

Climate.

My Son: (kindergarten at the time) Dad, what’s a square with a triangle on top of it?

Me: A house?

Son: No. It’s your mom’s house.

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

I put the punchline to this on top of a Conifer tree.

If you don't get it, joke's on yew.

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3 guys are on top of a cliff

3 guys are on top of a cliff admiring the view, then god comes down to them and says "jump down this cliff and shout out what you want the most and you will find it on the bottom"

The first guy jumps and shouts "5 pound notes!". He land safely in a large pile of 5 pound notes at the bottom....

I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so stupid because I left them on top of my car

Turns out I lost them on my own accord

Some thieves stole all the tiles on top of my house

Roofless

Why is the best place to teach physics on top of a cliff?

Because that's where the students have the most potential

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Nicholas the 16 year old boy always behaved like an asshole towards everyone around him. On top of that, he had a very bad smoking habit. No matter how many times people would advise him to quit, he'd never listen.

Nick, a teen; a dick, shun.

What happens when one plate goes on top of another?

You get an earthquake

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump

I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.

What’s big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on top of you, you would die?

A pool table.

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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were on top of a water tower...

They were eating sack lunches. The brunette pulls his out and says “Damn, I’m tired of my family making me the same sandwiches everyday! If i have another one of these, I’m going to jump off of this water tower and kill myself!” The blonde and the redhead feel the same way because they too have the ...

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Three drunks on the top of the Empire state building.

Three drunkards are standing on top of the Empire State Building. The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the bui...

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What's the difference between standing on top of Mount Everest and getting a blowjob from a 90 year old grandma?

There is none.

In both cases you're enjoying but you must not look down.

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When Borris Johnson and Donald Trump have sex, who’s on top?

Vladimir Putin

Why their are Angels on top of the Xmas Tree

Have you ever wondered how the tradition of putting an angel on the tree started? It may not be as magical as you might think,

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

T...

Two nuns are driving down the road one evening, when suddenly a vampire jumps on top of their car.

The nun in the passenger seat yells "What should I do!". The nun driving says "Show him your cross!". The first nun leans out the window and yells "GET OFF MY BLOODY CAR!"

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A woman is on top of a bridge about to commit suicide

A homeless man walks up to her and tells her not to do it.

"Its too late, I've made up my mind" said the scared and shaking woman.

"Well, before you do, can we have sex first?"

Appalled the woman shouted "No!"

"Ok, then I'll just meet ya down at the bottom".

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Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.

One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”

“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “t...

Her: I want to be on top tonight.

Me: No way, bunk beds were my idea!

What did the Joker say when he was on top of Batman?

"Joke's on you, Batman"

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A Man and a woman met on top of a building.

Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.

Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.

Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?

Woman: Nice idea

Then they made passionate love.afterwards...

Woman: lets ...

Be very careful if someone offers you fries, gravy, and cheese curds with raspberries on top.

I’ve heard of people trying to poison raspoutine.

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

What do you get when a piano falls on top of a minor?

A flat minor

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My wife likes to dress up for role play. The other night she pretended to fly across the room, then jumped on top of me and shouted “Super Pussy!”

“I’ll have the soup”, I replied.

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

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The weirdest thing I saw last night was a Redditor tripping and falling on top of a clown.

It was virgin on the ridiculous.

Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!"

Turned out it was Farmer Geddon

So these two cows are sitting on top of the hill.....

One cow says to the other cow.. did you hear about this mad cow disease? The other cow says what the hell do I care I'm a helicopter

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Wife lets me be on top.....

Last night My wife let me be on top.

I fucking love bunk beds.

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

I've protected my laptop by placing several alcoholic fruity beverages on top of it.

I guess I misunderstood when people told me to focus on cider security.

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A HIGH-POT-IN-USE

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There's this bar on top of the Empire State Building

The first guy looks at the second guy and says" you know the wind is so strong up here, if you jump out the window, it'll carry you right back up."
The second guy looks at the first and says "I'm not stupid I'm not going to kill myself."
The first guy says "watch." So he heads over to the wind...

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Why do women like to be on top during sex?

They love to watch their men fuck up.

Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for climbing a ladder that was balanced on top of his toilet?

It turns out that in his state, it is still illegal to get high on pot.

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Guy says to the hairdresser, I want the hair on top shaved down the middle on the side one shaved all the way the other side leave as it it is, hairdresser replied, sorry sir but I cannot do that.

I said well you fucking did last time.

3 guys worked on top of the empire state building.

They all had the same stuff for lunch every day and they said if they had it again they would jump to their deaths.

The Irish guy had a different meal so he lived.

The German guy had a different meal so he lived.

The polish guy had the same meal so he jumped to his death.
...

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