Oi Jokes - 86 Hilarious Oi Jokes

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Two nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

...when suddenly a vampire jumps onto the front of the car and starts screeching at them.

The head nun swerves back and forth, trying to shake off the vampire, but he is too strong.

Looking at the crucifix around her partner's neck, the head nun has an idea. She says to the other nun, ...

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

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A man runs into a Doctor's office and shouts "Oi! You told my wife she has a nice fanny!"

Doctor: No, I said she has acute angina...

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
...

A guy picks up a girl

"Oi, put me down"

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

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Construction Worker Joke

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his ...

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

Deep in the Australian bush…

A lizard and a koala are sitting in a large gum smoking a joint. They’re having a blast.
Eventually the lizard says, “Dude, my mouth is so dry. I’m going to get a drink at the river.” So he climbs down the tree, makes his way through the bush and when he arrives at the river he leans in to drin...

a man walks into a bar....

a man walks into a bar, puts an iguana and a frog on the bar and orders a pint.

the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"

the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing".

the barman says "ok, ...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
t...

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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off!"

An Australian is driving all over Texas, fast and reckless.

He's streaking down highways, taking curves too fast and just generally being a danger to himself and everyone else on the road.

Finally, a state trooper catches up to him and gets him to pull over. "Drivin' a little crazy there, friend," says the trooper. "You come here to die?"

The A...

One morning an elderly man was out playing golf...

One morning an elderly man was out playing golf, when he hit his ball into the deep rough. While searching for the ball he came across a frog. The frog looked up at him and said: “Sir, if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” So the old man bent down, picked up the frog, put it into his...

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..

Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly.

Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.

An officer, a gentleman and a penguin.

One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle ...

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Two nuns are driving down the street

When they get cut off by someone in traffic. The first none says "maybe he doesn't know we're nuns...sister show him your cross"

So the second nun opens the window and shouts "Oi you fucking dickhead!"

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

What did the Aussie say when he turned 8?

Oi mate

What did an Australian philosopher say to the German philosopher?

Oi Kant

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"

The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."

The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

An English man, a Welsh man and a Scottish man find a lamp

One of them give it a rub and a genie pops out.
"Thank you for releasing me! You can have 3 wishes, so I that makes it one wish each!"

The Welsh guy goes first, he looks a little shifty, but decides to go ahead anyway
"Genie is it? Alright so, I want you to build a wall betwee...

So there I was in the outback....

With a kangaroo and wombat. So the wombat says to the kangaroo, “Hey mate, Oi herd ya thirty year ol’ son’s moved back in withya...” Kangaroo says, “ Yeahh, he’s a real pouch potatah.”

An Australian joins the UN Peacekeeping Corps

On his second day, his American Drill Instructor is going down the line, grilling the recruits.

He gets to the Australian, and screams "Did you come here to die?!"

To which the Australian replies "Nah mate, I came here yesterday."

A pirate walks into a bar

With a steering wheel on his belt buckle.

Bartender: "Oi pirate! What's with the steery thingy on ye belt?"

Pirate: "Yarr it's driving me nuts!" "Also it's me cake day so please don't be swabbing me in the blue cheese for the bad jokes"

I made an attempt!

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

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An Old Jewish Joke. Literally.

Abe and Rachel, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Abe asked Rachel out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had...

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

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A guy goes to prison.

As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a sho...

A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He ...

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

Man at the bus stop with a penguin

There was a policeman driving down the road and he spotted a man standing at the bus stop with a penguin.
The policeman stopped and said “Excuse me sir, is this your penguin?”
The man says “No it’s not my penguin” so the policeman says “Well can you take it to the zoo then.”
The next day t...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

Mick is walking down the street when he sees Paddy running behind a bus

“Oi, Paddy! Why’re you running behind that bus?”

“Well I’ve got to pay if I get on it!”

Aussies believe Trump is Superman.

After leaving the Whitehouse, Donald Trump goes to Australia for vacation. When asked how it’s going he replies “It’s wonderful here. Everyone thinks I’m Superman. Everywhere I go I hear people shout “Oi, Kent!!””

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A panda walks into a bar

Goes to the bar and orders some food, then sits down and eats. Once finished he stands up pulls out two pistols and shots the place up.
The barman having ducked behind the bar stands up and says
"Oi panda, what the hell are you doing?"
The panda stops at the door, turns around and says
...

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Man walks into a pub

Man walks into a pub orders a drink and goes straight to the jukebox puts money in nothing happens..he puts more money Nothing! Then gives it a push and a kick..(jukebox lights up) “GO AWAY YOU FAT BASTARD” in shock and confusion “who said that” the man says..”ME I DID GO AWAY YOU FAT BASTARD” the ...

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Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.

They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles and says ...

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A naked man runs past me down the street...

Seeing this I yell "Oi you!"

He turns and reveals he's clutching a bag of cashews to protect his modesty.

"Are you fucking nuts?"

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Most people are Wankers.

Don't believe me? Next time you see a group of Guys, shout out.

"Oi Wanker" and watch them all turn around......

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Aussie: "Is that your dog?"

Kiwi: "Aye"

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Kiwi: "Dogs don't talk.”

Aussie: “Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Kiwi: (look of shock)

Aussie : “Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: ...

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A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, t...

This bloke just came in my workplace shouting "vodka, tequila, sambuca!"

I said "Oi! I call the shots round here!"

Little Jewish boy Chaim an aspiring actor..

Little Chaim, an aspiring actor comes running home excitedly to his mother..

“Mom, I got a great role in the school play”

His mother beams and says, “That’s great son. What part are you playing?”

“I play the part of the Jewish father in a nice Jewish family”

His mother sm...

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An Irishman walking the streets of Belfast...

Paddy was walking down a dark alley in Belfast one night at the height of the troubles when he feels a gun pointed at his back and hears a harsh raspy whisper “Protestant or Catholic?”.
Paddy was absolutely shitting bricks and was thinking fast and replied “As a matter a fact, Oim Jewish!” to wh...

One day, a farmer walks up to a fisherman...

... and said, "Oi, I found this 'ere red thing glimmerin' at the river over yonder. Issa worth much?"

The fisherman takes a look at what the farmer caught. After inspecting it for quite some time, he frowns and says, "I'm afraid it's worthless, sir."
The farmer frowns. "I'm not sure what...

Four fonts walk into a bar

The barman shouts "Oi, get out! We don't want your type in here!"

An American walks into an Irish pub

An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"

"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.

"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"

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Joke from"28 days later". (Joke for the humorless)

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, “Oi. You can’t leave that lyin’ there.” And the man says, “No. It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

Irish Man

Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the
preacher... The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell
of alcohol, whereupon he...

An Australian is visiting Britain...

He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar with traffic rules and street lights and just crosses streets whenever. After almost getting hit by cars several times and lots of honking a police officer sees him and shouts: "Oi! You there, did you come here to die?" The Aussie replies:...

Man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe

After a few hours the drunken pair get up to leave.

The giraffe stumbles and falls to the floor unconscious, the man walks on.

"Oi" shouts the bar man, "You can't just leave THAT lyin' there"

The man turns as says:

"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

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Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

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3 rats are having a drink at the bar, bragging about how hardcore they are.

first rat says, "Guys, last night I ate a whole block of rat poison. woke up this morning, didn't even have a hangover."

"That's nothing," says the second rat. "I ate the cheese out of a rat trap today; the bar came down over my back and I just hoisted it hoisted it off and came here to meet ...

Two English chavs

English chav 1: Oi lost moi dog, innit.
English chav 2: Blimey, you doin' something to find it?
English chav 1: Yeah, I put posters up all over town, didden oi.
English chav 2: Wot you put on the posters then?
English chav 1: Here boy

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A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

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A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar.

The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight.

'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.'

A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat hi...

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Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

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Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts,

"Oi, driver! You're losing your load!"

Driver replies, "Fuck off!"

5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!"

Driver again replies, "Fuck off!"

...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

The Reverend John Flapps

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down ne...

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Leprechuans in a Nunnery

Two leprechauns walk into a nunnery. The first leprechaun flags down a nun and asks her, "excuse me sister, Oi's just wond'rin. Would ya happen to have any nuns that're my size?" the nun replies, "noo my son, I'm afraid you're a very wee man. We have no nuns here that're your size." the leprechaun t...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bar tender says ‘oi you get out, we don’t allow those in here’. The man replies
‘Oh no don’t worry he’s perfectly tame, look I’ll show’.
The man then proceeds to unzip his trousers and take off his pants. The crocodile opens its mouth and the man dangles his balls inside the jaw.
Afte...

There once was a man...

...who worked at a shop where everything was $2.80. He said the same thing to customers; '2.80', ' the best', and 'if you don't someone else will'. This usually works well for him.

A customer comes up and asks, " how much is this?"
$2.80"
"how's the quality?"
"the best"
Should I...

Almost there

The wife invited her family over for dinner, and about one hour before they are due to arrive she realises that she has forgotten to buy the snails she planned for the entree.

She asks her husband to quickly go to the store and buy some, but warned him to come back straight away.

The h...

A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,

"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"

"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."

The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and w...

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So a guy walks into a truck stop and orders soup...

It arrives in a few minutes. The waiter has his finger in the soup. As he sets the soup down the guy goes: “Oi!!! What gives with the finger in my soup???”

The waiter replies affably: “Oh, it’s just that I have a cuticle infection and keeping it warm helps.”

“Why in the ever loving fuc...

A man walks into a bar wit a giraffe

He sits down at the bar and orders himself a pint and a milkshake for the giraffe.

He finishes his pint, the giraffe finishes it's milkshake and he orders another for each of them.

Again they finish and have another.

After the third the giraffe drops down dead. The man gets u...

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Paddy was morbidly obese so he went to see the doctor…

The doctor says, "OK, Paddy, I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day, then eat normally for a day, then skip a day. Stick to this regime for a fortnight and you will lose weight, so come back and see me then."

A fortnight later, Paddy returns to the doctor, who is amazed to see...

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A man sitting in the back of a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask a question...

The driver screams and loses control of the car causing it to veer off the road, narrowly missing a group of people and comes to a stop just before hitting a shop window.

For a moment , everything goes quiet in the taxi, then the driver says, "Oi mate, don't do anything like that again. You s...

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An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the m...

Three Englishmen

Three Englishmen were sitting at a bar having a drink and chatting it up. Suddenly, one guy spots an obviously Irish man having a drink by himself a few seats away, and they start making snide comments about him.

After a couple of drinks, one of the guys decides to confront the Irish man. He ...

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Two Dyslexics in a kitchen. .

One turns around to the other and say's "oi Frank, can you smell gas?" "Smell gas?" replies Frank, "i can't even smell my own fucking name!"

The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"

The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you ...

An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg

And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"

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