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Nonplussed Jokes

Truck wreck

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman took her husband to the doctor.

"He can't talk, only sings!" she told him in some distress. "I can't communicate with him anymore!"

The doctor asked the husband, "Is this true? Are you only able to sing now?"

The husband looked at the doctor and burst out, "Well she's all you'd ever want, she's the kind I'd like to f...

A famous pub in Dublin...

There's a famous pub in Dublin, at the top of Camden Street, called the Bleeding Horse. One day, a Clydesdale horse trotted in and ordered a pint of Guinness and a packet of cheese and onion crisps. The barman was a little taken aback, but Dublin barmen are nothing if not professional, so he served ...

In my hand

"Hello, baby," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you some." "Listen," said the woman, nonplussed, "If you can hold it in one hand, I'm not interested."

At the golf course

A man was waiting for an open tee at a golf course when a stranger walked up with a set of clubs and asked,

\- “I’m by myself today - wanna pair up?”

The first man was glad to have a partner, so he agreed, and off they went.

The stranger turned out to be a salesman for male en...

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Off to the Crusades! (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants sleep with his wife in his absence. Yet this is...

The Swiss embassy has had it’s flag stolen.

Ambassadors are nonplussed.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. After standing there for a few seconds, he suddenly starts swinging the dog around in circles at the end of its leash.

The bartender, understandably nonplussed, asks, "Excuse me, sir... Can I help you?"

"Oh, no, thank you," replies ...

Lunch with Dad.

A Dad took his two boys, ages 4 and 6 to a diner for lunch while out Christmas shopping. The waitress asked the older boy what he wanted and he said, "I'll have a damn cheeseburger!" Angry that his son had cussed, and in public, the Dad reflexively back handed him off his stool. The waitress, nonp...

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch

Two friends, Mick and Dave, are having lunch over at Dave’s house when the conversation turns to postal delivery workers.


Dave, disgruntled about the subject, says “I order a lot of books to get delivered here daily, but I always get a slip saying that they missed me, even if I’m home to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coroner's first day

Jack gets a job as a coroner in his local precinct, assisting the head coroner.


He starts prepping his first subject for autopsy, when he notices a cork in the corpse's behind. Putting on his gloves and grabbing an evidence bag, he slowly removes the cork and suddenly a song starts bursti...

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An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Am...

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So, the day little Johnny is turning 12, his dad asks him the following question...

"Little Johnny, do you know how babies are born?"
The little boy, scared, answers immediately:
"I don't wanna know! Please promise you won't tell me, dad!!!"
The dad is really nonplussed, confused, and asks him:
"But why in the world don't you want to know, Johnny?"
Johnny, hiccuping ...

A groaner for you all...

A rabbit hops its way into a trendy cafe in Melbourne.

It says to the nonplussed waiter, "I've munched my way from Sydney to here and I'd like something different to eat."

"What would you like?" asks the waiter.

"A leaf of fresh lettuce between two pieces of toasted white bread,...

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Making cake

5-year old Jennie and her mother are walking in the zoo. They walk past the monkey cage, in which two monkeys are fucking. Jennie asks her mother, "What are the monkeys doing?" and her mother, thinking quickly, answers, "Um, they're making cakes, dear." They keep on strolling through the zoo, and th...

For $1,500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 2011 Ferrari GTS.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"

T...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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A 50 year old single woman goes to the doctor...

She tells the Doctor that she's a virgin, and that she's never even been kissed. She's asked all her friends why she's never been approached, none of them have been able to explain it to her. She just turned 50, and she's sure it must be some sort of medical problem.

The doctor says he'll do ...

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