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I just heard that someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 5 minuets!

Poor bastard.

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Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth.

Three couples rush to the hospital to give birth, an English couple, and Irish couple and an Asian couple. All three wives give birth to boys within minuets of each other and the fathers congratulate one another. But while the nurse are weighing the babies, they get them mixed up and have no idea wh...

A sign in a music shop

A sign in a music shop:

Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet

My cousin thought he won a staring contest with the sun.

He said "5 minuets in everything went dark so the sun must have closed its eyes."

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A guy coming in the bar makes a 50$ bet. ( this is a very long joke so sorry about that.)

He says to the bartender if I can put my eye in my mouth you have to give me 50$. The bartender says sure I’ll make that deal, so the guy takes out his eye and says glass eye and puts it in his mouth. The bartender is visibly angry and the guy says. If I can put my other eye in my mouth it’s another...

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NSFW Two elderly ladies are rocking on the porch of the old folks home.

With a reminiscent look on her face, one of the old ladies says to the other,

"Oh Martha I was just thinking:
Do you remember the minuet?

"Oh for goodness sakes Henrietta. I can even remember the men I fucked!"

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Breaker, Breaker

There was once a family of three ,a Mom named Shirley, a Dad named Rick, and a little Boy named Spencer. They owned a cat named Sprinkles.

It was a usual Tuesday morning, Rick went to work and Shirley was home with Spencer and Sprinkles. Per usual Shirley started her cleaning regiment, an...

A penguin is driving down a desert road...

...when he hears a strange sound coming from his engine.

At the next town he pulls into the service shop and asks for help.

The mechanic says, “It’s gonna take about 20 minuets to check this out. You look pretty hot, you should go get an Ice Cream at the shop across the street to coo...

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A guy walks into a bar....

And the bar is completely empty. He thinks about leaving and decides to have a drink. He approaches the bar.

“Pint please bar tender”

He takes his drink and sits down.

5 minuets later he gets a tap on the shoulder.

“Here pal, that’s my seat”

He looks around. He’s t...

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Did you hear about the woman in a coma?

Day 1. So there's a woman in hospital in a coma, the nurse is giving her the daily flannel wash. She cleans the lady down as per usual until she got to her lady parts, she notices the woman's finger twitch as she cleans.

Day 2. The nurse is giving the lady in coma her wash again when a simila...

An awful conductor...

So, a polish train conductor is carrying people to go out of the country. However, the tracks were icy because it was the middle of winter.
So the train slipped and rolled over eight times. Miraculously all but three people lived. When the conductor was trialed for manslaughter, he was found guil...

An English man, Irish man and a Scotsman escape from prison.

They have just finished climbing the wall when they hear police sirens so they decide to hide in the back of a nearby R.S.P.C.A van and each climbed into some old cloth sacks they find in there. Ten minuets later a police officer looks into the back of the van and sees the three filled sacks.
He ...

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

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A man walks into a bar...

And says to the bartender "Hey buddy, if I show you something truly **amazing**, will ya give me a free drink?"

The bartender looks around, and seeing how its an insanely slow day, and he's bored out of his wits cleaning glasses all day, says "Sure, why the hell not? But it has to be **amazin...

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Tapeworm

Sorry for the length of this..

A man has bee feeling very sick, so he decides to go in and see his doctor. The man finds out he has a tapeworm. His doctor tells him "There are two options here, surgery, or an experimental procedure I have developed, which we can start today. It will take thre...

A man and his wife have an argument which ends in a fight

Husband: So disappointing, it finished less than a minuet after it started

Wife: Now you know how I feel.

A helpful stranger

A woman and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver says "HOLY HELL, THATS ONE UGLY BABY! The woman gives him a look then sits down. After a few minuets she turns to the man next to her and says "That bus driver just insulted me" The man says "Well go up there and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your ...

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