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Kneels Jokes

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."...

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A 50 year old man enters a confession box and kneels

Man: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."

Priest: "Tell me your sins son. The Lord is generous and knows we all succumb to weakness from time to time."

Man: "I've been carrying on an affair for the last 6 months with a gorgeous 25-year-old blond women. She has a beautiful figure, vo...

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Mother & Daughter Are on a Plane...

Mother & daughter are on a plane. Daughter asks mother, "Mommy, if big dogs have baby dogs & big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother stumbled and didn't have an answer for that one so she desperately looks around and replies, "I don't know sweetie, ...

A vicar and a rabbi go on a hike

As they look out at the view from the top of a hill, the vicar says "I think we can both agree this shows the beauty of God's creation. I feel like this would be a good opportunity to pray.

The rabbi says "Yes, its magnificent, we should indeed pray."

So the vicar kneels down and says...

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

A journalist is tasked with writing a human interest piece on the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

He decides he will take a month and observe those who come to pray. After a few days he notices one elderly man who arrives at the same time each day. The old man struggles to kneel before the wall, prays for ten minutes, struggles to stand, and then leaves.

The next day, the journalist appr...

John and his friend are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the road next to them. John kneels down and takes off his hat

“Wow,” John’s friend says. “That’s very thoughtful of you.”

“Well,” John responds, “we *were* married for 35 years.”

So Jesus is up on the cross, and James, his most faithful disciple. kneels at his feet, trying to comfort him in his last hours.

Soon Jesus, exhausted, says softly "James... James...."

James, trying to comfort the Lord, soothes him "I am here Lord, save your strength"

Jesus falls silent. A little later He says again, "James... James... are you there...."

"Yes, my Lord, I am here" answers James "Be still ...

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(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama *backhands* Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and l...

Kim Kardashian arrives in India for the first time, she walks out of the airport, and to her surprise, everyone on the streets stops, turns towards her, and kneels in humility and reverence

Little did she know, they worship cows over there!

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow

They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.


After a while Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.


A beautiful blonde walks in to the room, kneels in...

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!

4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"

They run until they reach a dead end.

They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:

"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVE...

The Lone Ranger.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the wide endless desert, they stop and Tonto climbs down and kneels and puts his ear to the ground. He lifts his head and says, "Buffalo come".

The Lone Ranger says, "how do you know.?"

Tonto says, "Face sticky"

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

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A Mexican man cannot find work and finally heads home for the evening.

On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill. So he kneels and prays to God, "Please God, let me find a way to feed my family".


At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight ...

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of ligh...

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New Monk

A man joins a monastery and is told he will have to take a vow of silence, and can only speak two words to the High Council every ten years on a special holy day.

He agrees, and spends ten years in contemplation. On the holy day he is seated before the council and says "Food bland". And goes ...

what are you doing after this?

A few decades ago, a man walked into a barber shop and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."



As it was in those days, the barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge.

However, instead of the usual child or assistant, a gorgeous woman kneels down and shi...

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A drunk guy is in a bar.......

A drunk guy is in a bar when he suddenly says "Hey everyone! I bet I can fart the national anthem!" People start coming wondering if he'd really do it. The man then takes off his pants,kneels on the bare counter and takes a shit. The angry bartender then asks him what the fuck he was doing and the d...

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A homeless man tries to sleep with a nun

A homeless man is sitting outside of a bus station begging for change when a nun walks by. "Hey there sexy lady! How about some love for an old homeless man?," he says. The nun says nothing but gives him a nasty look and walks away. "Hey, buddy" says a voice behind him. The homeless man turns around...

Son: *crying* Santa isn't real!

Me: of course he is!

Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come

Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then

3 men were sentenced to death by firing.

The day of the execution came, and the firing squad leads the men to the execution grounds.

 

Now, this firing squad was rather well-known to be the most gullible group around, and it’s due to this knowledge that the first man started to hatch a cunning plan to escape.

...

Three townsfolk were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The King must witness every execution.

First up was the town’s Priest. Sentenced for baptizing the newborn babies a bit too long. Executioner puts the bag over his head, priest kneels down into the headrest, and the lever is pulled.

The blade comes speeding downwards and stops half...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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The bet

Me: Bet you $10 you can't fit my dick in your mouth without gagging.
Her: That's a bet you're gonna lose.
Me: *unzips
Her: Yeah, no prob. *kneels, begins
Me: If you feel something rough it's just a scab...
Her: *gags
Me: I won...

A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...

A theologian, a physicist and a mathematician

A theologian, a mathematician and a physicist are standing on top of a burning five-story building. The only way to escape would be to jump into the pool at the back of the house. The theologian shouts: "God will save me", jumps, and hits the ground two meters beside the pool. He is instantly dead. ...

A man goes into a church

He kneels down and starts praying like he's been doing for many years.

Man: Dear God, I've never asked for much and I've been devoted to you all my life. I'm your humble servant and I have a question.

The church starts trembling, the walls are shaking when a deep voice arises.

G...

Dave's life sucks

So Dave is having a bad year, lost his wife house and job. It's been months and nothing is going right. A broken man he kneels to pray, "god please I don't ask for much but please I need to win the lottery". The lottery numbers are drawn and he is crestfallen so he tries again, "please God I can...

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A Very Nice Golfer

There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.

The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've...

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A little boy wanders into a construction site next to his house.

A few hours later, he comes home and quickly finds his dad.

"Dad guess what. The guys at the construction site showed me how to build a house."

The dad excited, asked his son to show him what he learned. The son gets a roll of string, hands one end to his dad, runs to the other sid...

An Indian Chief and a Pilgrim are out hunting in the fields.

Chief - "Never hunted with white man before."

Pilgrim - "Don't worry I aim well. Last year I took down a..."

The Chief stops walking and slowly kneels down and places his right ear against the ground.

The Chief stands up. "Buffalo. Come."

Pilgrim - "How do you know?"
...

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A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

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A guy walks into a bar

As he is drinking his beer, he looks down and sees a monkey sitting on a chair.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the monkey?"

"Oh, that's mine. She can does trick. Want to see it?"

"Yeah!"

So the bartender whistles, the monkey stand up, the bartender pulls out a steel ...

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

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The Quadriplegic At The Beach

An armless and legless girl is lying on the beach, crying. A man comes over and asks,

"What are you crying about?"

She goes, "I'm crying because in my whole life I've never been kissed."

So he kneels down and kisses her, but that
causes her to cry even more. He asks, "What ar...

2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the othe...

My uncle told me this

2 hillbillies, Cletus and Bubba are talking in a bar. A lady at a table next to them starts choking. Cletus stands up and walks towards her. He asks her “Are you choking?” The woman nods. Cletus then kneels down and licks her rear. The woman was so surprised that she spit out the food. Cletus walked...

Paddy is a poor Irish farmer...

He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.

Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'

For years and years Pad...

A little girl was walking on a frozen lake when she saw a wolf who had fallen in a hole in the ice and was drowing.

The girl, having a pure heart, runs to it, kneels down, plunges her arms in the icy water, grabs the wolf's tail at the very last moment and pulls, pulls, pulls until she manages to bring the poor animal back on the ice shelf.



At that moment, the wolf changes into a prince. The girl b...

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Funny you should say that... [long]

A middle-aged Jewish man goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, you gotta help me. It's my son. For 30 years he's a Jew, and now bam! He says he's a Christian!"

"Funny you should say that," the Rabbi replies. "I'm having the same problem with my kid. Let's go see Rabbi Rabinowitz, the Elder....

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One day a man gets on a bus and sees the most beautiful Muslim woman sitting in one of the seats.

Even with her headscarf he can tell she’s gorgeous. The seat next to her is open so he sits beside her. He decides he has to have her, but can’t think of what to say to her so he asks, “do you want to have sex?”

The woman slaps him and gets off the bus. A few stops later the man goes to get ...

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The Fence

Two New Zealand guys were walking through a paddock one day when they come to a fence.

Stuck in the fence is a sheep. Only its head is stuck and its body on the men's side of the fence.

Without think about it one of the men, John pulls down his trousers and fucks the sheep. When he's f...

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

The last rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!"...

An old man goes to a church

He enters the confession box, kneels and says

"Father, I am 60 years old. I have been married for 35 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. She was hot and gorgeous. I ravished her and she enjoyed every moment of it"

T...

Little Johnny Murphy goes to confession

He confesses to the priest that he has had inappropriate contact with a female classmate.
The priest asks "was it with Debbie O'Connell?" To which Johnny replied "no"
The priest asks again "was it with Mary O'Malley?"
Johnny again replied "no".
The preist gives up and tells Johnny to s...

A Christian goes on a hunting trip...

He sits in his tree stand all day and sees nothing.

As he climbs out of his deer stand he slips and rolls down a large hill breaking both his legs, losing his rifle in the process.

As he lays in pain at the bottom of the hill he hears a grunting. He looks up to see a massive Grizzly lu...

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are in an office building elevator.

The brunette looks over at one of the walls and notices a stain about waist high. "Ew," she says, "What is that stain?" The redhead walks over to the stain and pokes it a little, then sniffs her finger. "Oh my god I think it's someone's cum." All three women get to giggling and talking about whose i...

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Boy discovers where babies come from

Boy that lives in the country is coming of age and starting to discover himself. He goes out in the woods and is touching himself when suddenly something shoots out of his penis and lands on a rock.

Concerned that something is wrong with him he runs back home to tell his dad what happened. H...

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

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A woman prays in the graveyard..

Every single week she kneels before the headstone. When she is finished, she stands up and slowly walks backwards all the way out of the cemetery.

One day a lady stops her to ask why she doesn't turn around and walk normally.

She replies,

"My husband is laid to rest here. He a...

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THE DEACON'S LAST & FINAL WORDS

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the dea...

The realistic magician

A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my ...

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A man is walking down an empty beach...

Suddenly he hears someone crying in the distance.
He finds a woman, with no arms and no legs, sitting alone in the sand and crying.

“Why are you here crying by your self miss?” He asks.

“Well, I’ve been this way my whole life and... I’ve never been kissed by a man!”

“I’ll kis...

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A man taking a walk along a pier...

... suddenly hears this heartbreaking sobbing. He goes to investigate the noise and finds a woman in a wheelchair, without arms or legs, crying her eyes out.

He rushes over and kneels down besides her, asking her if she's ok, has she been abandoned here?

"Well," She answers, through he...

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(NSFW) The hippy and the nun

One day a hippy walks into a bus, when he spots a nun sitting in the first chair. To him, the nun is one of the best looking women he has ever seen. Being the straightforward guy he is, the hippy walks up and asks, “Hey, wanna have sex?” The nun, shocked, smacks him in the face, and gets off at the...

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Marriage counseling

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor. They tell the counselor that they just can't seem to get things working. Constant fights, etc. etc.

The counselor says, "Sometimes a good way to understand where the issues are is to take turns doing a little role-playing with me here in the offi...

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