Irish Accent Jokes - 36 Hilarious Irish Accent Jokes

Read it in an Irish accent for full effect !?

Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " what's your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " sa...

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(Best read in an Irish accent) So an old man is on his porch..

A young lad is walking up the hill with a roll of chicken wire rolled up under his arm. "What ya doin wi' the chicken wire, laddie?" asks the man. "Oh sir, I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" replies the boy. The man says, "you fool, you don't catch chickens with chicken wire!" An hour later, though,...

Irish accent recommended

A young Irish man named Paddy was moving away to London. He went to his next door neighbors (3 miles away) to say his goodbyes. His neighbors, Mr and Mrs Dunne, said their goodbyes and they asked Paddy

"Could you find our daughter Nelly Dunne and ask her why she isn't writing back home p...

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

For my next magic trick ill teach you a Irish accent

Say it with me: Ari Po-er an tha cersed chil'

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, “Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!” The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, “Well I’ll be, by chance do you come from Ir...

How do you teach an American an Irish accent

Say the following words:

Whale.

Oil.

Beef.

Hooked.

One more time. . .

Now say them all together fast.

(Heard on NPR yesterday)

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....

out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

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If you say "fuck off" backwards...

You still say fuck off but with an Irish accent.

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

Two Irish plummers

This joke is said in a heavy Irish accent

Two Irish plummers were plumming when one turns to the other and says "quit your plumming someone's coming" to which the other replys "that's nonsense if anyone is coming its me"

Irish bean soup

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p...

Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?

[In a thick Irish accent] Because one more would be too farty!

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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.

Am Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are lost deep in a jungle. They get captured by a tribe of cannibals and are told "you can have one request before we kill you, eat you and then your skins into a canoe". The scot asks for a bottle of the finest scotch and, somehow the tribe brings it to him...

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An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

Irish Cop and a Flasher

*Said best with alternating Irish accents*

One day an old Irish beat cop on the streets of Belfast is arresting a flasher for the 25th time. He says, Angus, I’ve arrested you 25 times over the years, once a year for every year I’ve been a beat cop, but I’m retiring this month and I think you ...

An Irishman was sitting at a bar in London

...when he heard a guy with an Irish accent and asked if he was from Ireland.
"Yes" he replied. "Well so am I " said the first patron."What part of Ireland are you from?
The second patron replied " I'm from a small Village called Green Valley "
"I'll be damned!" "I'm from Green Valley too"....

What do we want?

A Northern Irish accent!

When do we want it?

Noy!

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Two Guys at a Bar (Long)

A gentleman is sitting at a bar when another man sits at the stool next to him.

He sees that the man orders a scotch, which is what he is drinking.

After a few minutes they get to talking and as soon as they both speak it is obvious they have heavy Irish accent's.

The one man sa...

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I'm a Leprechaun!

A man was at a club and after several drinks, of course he had to go to the bathroom. When he started relieving himself in the trough, he noticed a dwarf a few feet down the trough. He glanced down and saw that the dwarf was hung like a horse.

“Damn! How does a little guy like you have such a...

An Irishman wants to rob a London bank...

An Irishman wants to rob a major London bank, but he is worried that his thick Irish accent will give him away. He decides to go to a language class to learn how to speak Proper English like a real Englishman.

After months of practise, he strolls into the bank with a sawn-off shotgun, and in ...

Recycling is important...

I went to the bar last night. I saw two rather large ladies having a great time. They seemed to be speaking in an Irish accent. I sauntered over and asked them

"Are you ladies from Ireland?"

They responded, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I apologized immediately and said
"Are you ...

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GEORGE and me MADDY

(Best told in my best drunken Irish accent) Old couple driving home.

George: Madeline, me Maddy, for 50 years we’ve driven this old country road.

M: Aye George we have, the same fences to our right lit by the pale moonlight.

G: Do you remember sometimes we’d pull the car off to ...

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A guy goes into the bathroom at a bar.

He's using the urinal when this really short guy starts using the urinal next to him. The guy can't help but notice this little guy is hung like a donkey. Having had a few drinks, he comments on the dudes huge member.
The short guy laughs and in a thick Irish accent he says, "Aye. I'm a leprecha...

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Two Leprachuans walk up to a Cathedral in Ireland (long)

The first one knocks on the door. A nun comes out and the Leprachuan asks in a thick Irish accent "sister you gotta help me. I'm in a bit of a pickle and you're the only one who can help."

The nun responds "what's it you need help with?"

The Leprachuan replies: "are there any female nu...

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An Irish man goes to his local doctor...

The Irish man opens the door to the doctors office and says in a stiff Irish accent
"Oh doctor, I haven't been feeling myself lately. My backs been killing me"
The doctor then asks the man to bend over as he whips the cuff of his surgical gloves against his wrist. He then reaches into the Iri...

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An old Irish man is sitting at the pub

and he seems to be upset, so the bartender walks over and says "Sheamus, whats wrong?". Sheamus says "You know that dock, down at the lake? You know I built that right?" Bartender says, yeah Sheamus, everyone knows you built that." Sheamus says "But nobody calls me Sheamus the dock builder do they?"...

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A young man is backpacking through Ireland...

When he decides to go to a bar in a small town. He sits down next to a native just sipping on his drink.

The native stops and says to the young man in a thick Irish accent "You see this bar here!" He said as he slammed his hand on the bar. "I built this bar with my own two hands. Board by boa...

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A man goes into a restroom at a bar...

He's standing at the urinal and notices a very short guy at the urinal next to him. The little fellow is maybe three feet tall, wearing a green suit and hat, red hair and red beard... and hung like a horse.

The man says, "Excuse me, sir, you're quite unusual looking, what's your story?" The l...

A rich Texan is on vacation in Ireland...

One of my oldest, one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it pop up since I've been subbed. But of course it's surely a repost. I like to put on the Texan drawl and Irish accent for this one...

After a long day of sightseeing the Irish countryside the Texan wants to relax and have a beer so...

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

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The Jar in the Bar

So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills.

He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?"
"No idea" responds his friend, s...

[Long] Paddy and Mick fancied a pint or two but didn't have a little of money...

**Best read with an Irish accent**

between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Mick said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money ...

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