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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

As The White House suggests the peak could be in sight.

Scientists warn that in reality, Trump has several levels of stupidity to go yet.

No end in sight...

I can't see an end. 
I have no control.
I don't think there's any escape.
I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

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I'm driving slowly down a quiet street with no one in sight.

I come up to a stop sign and slow down and it's quite obvious that there's no one remotely near the intersection because there's perfect visibility in all direction.

Just when I cross the intersection a motorcycle cop pops out from behind some bushes where he was hiding. Apparently there was...

When you really have to pee and there's no bathroom in sight...

Urine trouble.

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I needed the loo, and only a wishing well was in sight.

Well. Shit.

My friend has a compulsion to eat everything in sight, and as a result, he's put on a lot of weight...

You might say he suffers from OBCD.

A man is lost in the forest late at night...

(Quick note: I first heard this joke in Chinese, so this is an attempt to translate it to English)

...and stumbles across a cabin with a light on inside.

He knocks on the door, and is greeted by a kind-looking old lady, who happily welcomes him inside, treats him to a hot meal, allows ...

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

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Two Irishmen are on a cruise when the ship encounters trouble.

The ship breaks in two and sinks rapidly and the two Irishmen are the only survivors, having secured a small lifeboat. They are adrift at sea with no land in sight. Suddenly they see something floating on the waves. It's a small, ancient lamp, and when they retrieve it and dry it off a genie suddenl...

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Dogs will be Doggs

Three dogs are at the vet. One asks the others, "So, what are you guys in for?"

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivere...

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Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

Th...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

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A man asks his hunter friend to take him on a trip

It's a rather cold and windy day so the man asks his friend: "How do you bear this freezing cold?"
His friend replies: "I just take one of these." and hands him a flask of whiskey.The wind gets stronger and still nothing to shoot in sight, so they help themselves out to a couple of more shots. ...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

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Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And wi...

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

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There was three boys called Zip, Dick and Piss They were in class and their teacher went out to make a phone call

Right then Zip jumped on the table,
Dick jumped in the teachers chair,
And Piss was punchin everyone in sight .
3 minutes later the teacher back in and said

Zip down,
Dick out,
and Piss in the corner

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

Flasher on Hollywood Blvd (Jewish area)?

A flasher has been doing his thing on Hollywood Blvd exposing himself to several women.


After a while, he comes across an elderly Jewish lady.
He looks around for any police, none in sight, so he goes up to her & opens his coat,


The Jewish lady looks him up & ...

Dude is getting ready for prom night

He thinks to himself; "I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!".

He thinks about what he'll need. "I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!" So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thin...

At the canteen of a Catholic school...

The nun places a note in front of a pile of apples: “Take just one. God is watching”. Beyond there is a stack of biscuits. A student writes a note and puts it in plain sight in front of the cookies: “Take whatever you want. God is watching the apples".

What's what?

A very innocent young couple had spent a number of months courting very chastely indeed, not least because they had only the haziest idea of what being unchaste even involved. So at the wedding reception both he and she were being taken aside by their friends and told "Hey! You'll get what's what al...

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"Your one and only job is to supply the miners"

The foreman told the asian man before leaving the job site.

Upon the foreman's return a week later he noticed one of the job site workers lackadaisically lounging in the sun.

"Hey Bob! How are ya? Why arent you workin boy?" said the foreman.

"Im too hungry to work. That chinama...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

A Priest encounters a nun while going to the monastery with his car

He encounters a nun in the side of the road. The priest stops the car and offers to drive the nun to her destination, the nun accepts.

The nun gets in the car. She crosses her legs making her pretty legs to come in sight

While the priest is looking at her legs he nearly crashes. After ...

2 men are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst.

As they walk with all hope lost, one of them spots a well in the middle of the desert.

'Look, a well!' - said the first man

'There is no way that well has water... ' - replied the second man

'We should check if it has water. Look, let's drop that rock into the well to check whet...

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Preacher

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher headed out early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half- hour late, he saw the back...

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

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A man walks into the bar with a monkey on his shoulder

He sits at the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring his beer the monkey jumps off his shoulder and proceeds to eat everything in sight.

He eats all the bowls of mixed nuts, eats all the popcorn, jumps over the bar and eats all the marschianno cherries and all the green olives. ...

A zoo owner is busy at his desk when 3 of his assistants walk in, a blonde, brunette, and redhead.

The brunette steps forward and says, “Sir, we’ve finished our work on those new exhibits you wanted”. The man gets up from his desk and follows the three out of the room down to the exhibit hall.

First the brunette stops and turns and points at here exhibit. “Ah, you finished the gorilla cag...

I went to Brisbane's hottest redhead competition

5000 people attended, and not a soul in sight

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Dave’s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.



When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple...

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A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figure...

No wonder fortnite is so popular among school children

Who doesn’t love hopping off the bus and shooting everybody in sight?

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns

I knew the end was in sight

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A man is walking along the beach, and encounters a woman with no arms or legs

She catches him looking, so he feels it necessary to say hi. She explains that her caretaker left her there, while she went to get lunch. They chat for a while, and he stands to walk away. The woman looks at him, and blurts out:

"Hey. You're so nice and handsome. I'm embarrassed to even ask t...

A blonde stands on the bank of a river

There is no bridge in sight. She sees another blonde across the river and shouts:

How do I get to the other side of the river?!

The other blonde shouts back:

Why? You already are on the other side!

To celebrate their 10th anniversary, Fruit Ninja decides to host a live event.

They decide to commission for an arcade style game/exhibition to be made where the visitors can pick up physical weapons at each of the fruit stations and hit the designated fruit with them. After they hit the fruit the computer would display their score and play a congratulatory tune if they got ab...

I walked into an old defunct Nike store today. The place was depressing because-

there wasn't a sole in sight.

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A horny rooster

A farmer wakes up to find his rooster dead in the garden. Desperate that his chickens will no longer lay eggs, he goes to the market in search of another. Upon arrival he sees a a large, heavy built rooster so he asks the seller:

“Oi! How many bucks for that one?”

“5000 dollars!”
...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

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A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar...

...They sit down at the bar and the man orders a beer. The monkey promptly starts running around the bar, eating everything in sight. He eats some napkins, peanuts off of the bar, all the marichino cherries, everything he can pick up. Then the monkey hops over to the pool table, jumps on top of it, ...

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

Blonde in a rowboat

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, What do you think you're doing? It's things like this...

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