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Improv Jokes

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health..

Still got thrown off the bus.

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

My wife asked me if I learned anything at my first Improv lesson.

I said no.

How do I improve my ADHD?

I really want AD4K.

Playing Legend of Zelda has really improved my work ethic

My boss says that I'm "Hylian Efficient."

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

I just got kicked out of my improv group

I don’t give a schtick.

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

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I got some viagra tea bags for Xmas. They don't improve your sex life.

But they stop your biscuits going soft.

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

My dad's best improv

We were driving one day and my dad had to stop the car because a seagull was in the middle of the wet road picking away at a soggy box.
I asked him why he stopped the car instead of driving on.
To which he replied, "He's just trying to get his cardboardhydrates"

Needless to say, everyo...

The Russian economy is improving drastically.

Soon even the poorest Russian will be a billionaire.

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay techniques....

I had to fast forward through all the boring bits in the beginning though.

Why do programmers have a hard time with improv?

They can't execute without a script.

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

Disabled people are the worst at improv

They can make up a story but can't run with it

Why did Stephen Hawking only do improv?

He was no good at stand-up.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

My wife told me to improve on my foreplay technique.

Needless to say, I went golfing straight away.

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

I've been trying to improve at Excel

I keep watching videos and reading tutorials, but I find I am continually regressing.

Website....We use cookies to improve performance.

Me...Same.

What do you call a border dispute along tectonic plates that's settled through improv?

Whose Fault Line is it Anyway?

how do people improve the railway system?

With a training.

Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.

Overcome with jeal...

Where do tyrants shop for palace improvement products?

Home Despot

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

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The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

Why can't you improve the efficiency of wind farms by playing country music around them?

Because they're really just big heavy metal fans.

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

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It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

What's so great about llamas doing improve?

The Spit Takes

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference ...

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

Guys, I think this sub is really improving.

I haven't seen a repost since last decade.

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Does masturbation improve reading?

I read that masturbation brings a remarkable improvement in lexicon, and I was absorbed by this statement devoid of reason. Everyone knows that it exacerbates me when I witness a petulant fool brandishing bombastic cultisms as banal corollaries whose ephemeral purpose is to obscure the rickety colle...

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

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My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy.

Its Officially A Best Cellar.

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

Selling an improved autocorrect?

Shut up and take my monkey.

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

I'm on a self-improvement course.

It's ÂŁ2 cheaper than the last one I went on.

I bought a book about improving memory

When I put it on my bookshelf, I saw three same books there.

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

I want to improve this whole Battle Royale craze

I want it to be Battle Royale with cheese

I thought drinking more wine would help me improve my French.

My efforts were all in vin.

Missippis state literacy scores are improving.

Bravoe!

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

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The spoon

Customer at restaurant drops a spoon. Waiter nearby immediately replaces the dropped spoon with a clean one from his breast pocket. Next time the customer sees him, the waiter has a new spoon in his breast pocket so the customer asks about the spoon.


“The owners hired a consultant some t...

5 Tips To Improve Your Writing

1. Contractions aren't necessary.

2. Do not overuse exclamation points!!!!!!

3. Don't be redundant, because it can be boring to read the same things over and over again, just restated.

4. Do not appear condescending to your readers. "Condescending" means to look down upon someon...

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

What's terrible but never gets improved

The bad jokes on this subreddit

I was at my local home improvement store yesterday

And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."

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An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

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An improved Game of Thrones joke

Robert Baratheon, Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon go into a tavern. They order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, they each find a fly in their cups. Robert goes into rage and smashes the cup, demanding new ale. Renly takes the fly out and laughs with the barkeep about it. Stannis rea...

My wife wasn't too happy when I mentioned that our limited budget meant deciding between improving the kitchen plumbing or replacing the pool pump.

Its either sink or swim.

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?

Take the Domino's sign off the roof.

What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight?

Vitamin c.

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one

*Watt

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

I love smoking weed in a home improvement store.

Best way to take your highs with your Lowe's.

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

Why are my favorite home improvement shows about whole house fumigation?

Because they are in tents.

What do you call a home improvement store for tyrannical leaders?

Home Despot.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face.

I wear contacts.

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

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