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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

I've been trying to improve at Excel

I keep watching videos and reading tutorials, but I find I am continually regressing.

I read in a medical journal that sniffing Rosemary will improve your immunity during this rainy season...

But my colleague is not understanding when I do this and now she’s calling the security...

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

My wife wasn't too happy when I mentioned that our limited budget meant deciding between improving the kitchen plumbing or replacing the pool pump.

Its either sink or swim.

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...

and i still got thrown off the bus

how do people improve the railway system?

With a training.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement

whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become...

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

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Three guys are walking through the woods...

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie (of course). It booms "You have freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars....

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My new book I wrote about improving your basement just sold its millionth copy.

Its Officially A Best Cellar.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

I’m quite bad at archery

But I aim to improve

The Christmas Elf

A Christmas elf walks into a bar and orders an eggnog. "What brings you to town?" the bartender asks. "I'm taking music classes at the community college. Santa requires it of all the Christmas elves now," the elf says. "It's supposed to improve our rapping skills."

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

I just got kicked out of my improv group

I don’t give a schtick.

I didn’t think the Chiropractor would improve my posture...

... However, I stand corrected

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I really want to get into improv...

and all that jazz.

Disabled people are the worst at improv

They can make up a story but can't run with it

Here's an old one.

I cant remember where I got this one from but here it is.

This man wants to reconnect with nature and disconnect from society for awhile. So he drives to his uncle's cabin in the woods. The uncle has no electricity, no phone or internet. The man thinks it's the perfect get away.
The firs...

Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.

Overcome with jeal...

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

Why did Stephen Hawking only do improv?

He was no good at stand-up.

I Used to Miss My Wife

Then my aim improved.

An Engineer Dies And Goes to Hell…

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how are thing...

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Second opinion

A man was walking into the therapist‘s office and sat down. „What’s your problem?“, asked the therapist. The man answered: „Well I have massive struggles to find a girlfriend and I don’t know why“. He looked the man deep in the eyes and said with a very meaningful face: „Well it’s because you’re ugl...

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

I always put my glasses on when doing Math homework.

It improves division

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

My girlfriend said I was too into improv.

I said, “Yes, and...”

Stuttering Sam the S-S-S-Salesman

Three guys, Adam, Barry and Sam, got hired by Mike the Manager to sell bibles door-to-door. First day of work, they had a quick meeting with Mike and they were each given a separate area of the city that they were to try to sell their bibles. They were to go out, use their best judgment as to the lo...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

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Use The Camel

Having joined the French Foreign Legion, Pierre focused on becoming the best soldier he could. Day in, day out he trained; long marches with full pack, hand to hand combat, shooting range etc... but even all this activity couldn't take away the yearning he had, after all he was a young viral man. T...

What do you call a border dispute along tectonic plates that's settled through improv?

Whose Fault Line is it Anyway?

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

A man enters the confessional...

A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar w...

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My woman wanted to try new things to spice up sex.

I told her to come over and I would show her the improvement on the 69. She got pissed when I told her it's called the 68. You suck my dick and I owe you one.

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NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

How can you work to improve your 3D drawings into 4D drawings?

It just takes time

Why do programmers have a hard time with improv?

They can't execute without a script.

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So a group of students recently did an experiment with results that showed zucchinis can actually improve your memory...

That’s great and all but I just feel sorry for the guy who had to get a zucchini shoved up his ass because he’s never gonna forget it.

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

A baby key is watching his dad unlock a door…

One key see, one key do.





Please improve on this, I just came up with it.

My dad's best improv

We were driving one day and my dad had to stop the car because a seagull was in the middle of the wet road picking away at a soggy box.
I asked him why he stopped the car instead of driving on.
To which he replied, "He's just trying to get his cardboardhydrates"

Needless to say, everyo...

During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

tenfold

Guys, I think this sub is really improving.

I haven't seen a repost since last decade.

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

I've started to learn how to raise the dead to improve my love life,

I've become a neck romancer.

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

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A dominatrix was trying to improve her PR so she changed her name to Harm

One day she was getting a medical check-up and she realized she would have trouble paying her doctor. Being a sex worker, she tried to see if there was an alternative way to pay.

“Doctor, isn’t there something we can figure out?”

“I see where this is going and I appreciate the sentim...

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Does having a penis sticking out of your forehead improve your vision?

Depends how big your balls are.

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

Jesus is sitting in heaven looking glum, when St Paul says

"You've been down lately, come join me for yoga this afternoon, it'll improve your energy levels and perk you right up, Lord"



Jesus looks up, his expression remaining grim



"I'll pass, I've had bad experiences with Pilates"

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

Hey Prof, what can I do to improve my grade?

Prof: um... it's May

Me: LOL, sorry, what MAY I do to improve my grade?

The first Condom was invented by the Welsh using sheep intestines

The English improved upon the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first

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Scientists say masturbating improves the immune system.

Use that information at your own wrist.

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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Having sex at regular intervals improves memory

Have a great 2016 guys.

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Why planes don't have babies?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who could...

What do you call a pizza with no toppings?

Mushroom for improvement

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A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE...

It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

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A group of doctors in a psychiatric ward wanted to look for an improvement in the mental stability of their patients, so they devised an experiment. A doctor put 5 patients in one room.

While in the room, this doctor went to the wall and drew a door (with a door knob and a keyhole). He told the 5 patients in the room to figure out how to open the door.



1st patient waved at the doctors, and tried to open the painted door.

2nd patient kept shouting at the door "...

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The Department of Defense wanted to improve their survival training...

The select a sergeant from the Army, Marine Corp, and Air Force for interview, in order to see what they already know.

The interviewer asked the three sergeants, "OK. What would you do if you were away on deployment, you're about to go to sleep, when you find a large scorpion in your tent."...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

To improve corporate rapport , they made it compulsory for guys to hang out with other guys outside of work

I guess that was the "mandate"

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I’ve been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven’t noticed any improvement.

You know, youtube improving the lives of creators and vaccines causing autism have at least on thing in common

Neither actually happen

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

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For me, going to a home improvement store is like having sex.

It's all about DIY.

What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one

*Watt

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

The Doctor suggested my wife and I try different lubricants to improve our relationship

I think loctite is the superior lubricant, my wife doesn’t agree but I doubt we’ll ever be separated.

You can improve the average intelligence of reddit users right now.

Just delete your reddit account.

Microbiotics in sour beer has been found to improve the health of North Belgians.

That proves what's good for the Gose is good for the Flanders.

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

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For my New Year’s resolution, I decided to join a gym to improve my sexual stamina.

Turns out none of them offer 60 seconds a month memberships.

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NSFW NSFL A dude want to grow a big one

While visiting a nude sauna, man#1 notices another man with probe down to his knees. Amazed and shocked, decided to ask or advice.

How did you get it so long?
Well... you tie a 5lbs weight to it and wait a week.

In a week there is no improvement. Dude decides to tie a 5 gallon buck...

How can Trump improve both his golf game and presidency?

Reduce the number of downhill lies.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

Thank you President Trump..

..for improving my vocabulary. I would have never known the meaning of sedition, insurrection, quid pro quo, colluding, etc without you!

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

Did you hear about Oscar Pistorius' home improvements?

He wants a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend's dead against it

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

As a young man I was told if I wanted to improve myself I should learn to embrace my mistakes.

Which is why I hug my children every day.

Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

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Does masturbation improve reading?

I read that masturbation brings a remarkable improvement in lexicon, and I was absorbed by this statement devoid of reason. Everyone knows that it exacerbates me when I witness a petulant fool brandishing bombastic cultisms as banal corollaries whose ephemeral purpose is to obscure the rickety colle...

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

Even if you don't notice any improvement from acupuncture,

you can't say it's pointless.

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