UPJOKE
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Ident Jokes

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I saw two guys wearing identical outfits,

and asked if they were gay.


They arrested me.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.

It was impossible to differentiate between them.
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My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
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I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?
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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, yo...
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I just found out my wife has an identical twin

I saw her on Tinder.
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What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."
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What do you call 2 people with identical penises?

Doppelwangers

What is the biggest difference between identical twins?

Location.
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So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.

Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"

The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"

Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?" ...

"Discussions about identity politics are often unproductive," said my friend.

"You're wrong," I replied. "Look at all the arguments, distrust and frustration they produce."
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A young couple in poverty give birth to identical twins.

After much consideration they decide that the best thing for the baby boys would be to give them up for adoption so that they can have a better shot in life. One boy goes to a Spanish family who name him Juan, the second goes to an Indian family who name him Amal.

18 years pass when the birth...
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Identical Twins

A teenage girl gave birth to identical twin boys. As she realized she was not ready to take care of young children, let alone 2 boys, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption.

The boys were adopted immediately. One of them was adopted by a lovely Egyptian family who decide...
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My Identity

Today I gave a homeless person everything I own, My identity, wallet, house, even my wedding ring.

You can't imagine how good it feels to be free of debt and my wife for the first time.
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Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.
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Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...
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What do you call two identical looking boobs?

Identities.

There's no 'I' in 'team,'

But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'
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Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter
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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

I hate hostage negotiations, where you have to prove you're a trusted identity, and you have to meet up at some out-of-the-way location.

Sorry, I meant postage negotiations.
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There are two identical twin brothers that live together.

One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After so...

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!
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I made my own identical copy of Disney Land and only charge visitors a quarter of what Disney does.

It’s more fun than it has any rights to be.
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What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon.
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Mistaken Identity

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: - "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?" - "I am not Master Ayumu."

Identity Crises!

A man goes to the doctor's consultation room to get the results of his wife's tests.

The lady on duty tells him: "I'm terribly sorry Mr. but there was a bit of a problem that crept in.

We sent your wife's tests along with another lady with the same surname, to the pathologists. Resul...
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What did the foot fetishist say to the case of mistaken identity?

Oh dear we seem to have got off on the wrong foot
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I just got fucked by identical twins.

It was a doppelgängbang.

“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job”

I said to my friend

He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”

I remarked “ why should I ?”
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A nosy identity thief is the absolute worst

He has that annoying habit of making other peoples lifes his own
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A month ago, someone stole my identity

Last week he mailed my license and social security card back, along with a five dollar bill.
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No pair of balls are identical.

In fact, there are vas deferenses between the two.

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A set of identical boy triplets grow up doing everything together.

Naturally being brothers, they are very competitive and strive to outdo each other in everything they do. School, sports, work and most especially girls.

They get older, meet girls and all decide to settle down. Competitive streak aside, they are also extremely close and decide they will ge...

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10 Identical Fruits

One day Daniel, Jeremy, and Lake are walking down the street and a van pulls up. Five guys hop out and kidnap the trio. Then after being drugged they wake up in a forest. One of the guys who was in the van speaks in a heavy Russian accent and tells the boys to go out into the forest and come back wi...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent
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Did you hear about the identical twin police officers?

They were copies.
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A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption

One of the twin boys is adopted by a family in Spain and is named Juan. The other boy is adopted by a family in Egypt, who name him Jamal.

Years later, her son Juan connects with her and sends him a picture of himself with his family.

Feeling moved and happy that Juan is doing well, ...
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A Spanish woman was married to an Arabic man when they discovered they were going to have identical twin boys.

After much discussion, it was decided that one should be named after his paternal grandfather Amal and the other after his maternal grandfather Juan.

Years go by ...

The boys and their mom are at the grocery store one day when the boys were about 6 yrs old. As the mom was looking at...
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What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?
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When you’re telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you tell them the entire thing.

Because you just can’t tell them a part.
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If I had an identical twin...

I would have him discreetly follow me around whenever I'm hanging out with a girl. If she ever asks me "Are you single?", he will jump out of the bushes and say, "No, I'm double."
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What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen
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Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries a photo of one of them because…

…if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
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I once had a threesome with identical twins.

Guess that makes me a dopplebanger.
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Identical Twins

A woman gave birth to identical twin boys.
She and her husband named them Amal and Juan.
However, being a poor family in a third world country, raising two children wasn't feasible, so the couple had to give one child up for adoption, and they chose Amal.
Many years later, the father became...
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What do you think Alexa, siri, and cortana identity as

Binary
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Someone stole my identity

I hope they can do a better job with it.
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Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted.....

Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series...
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Having identical triplets is like....

Having one kid with multiple personalities.
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I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.
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Two redditors give birth to identical twins

They marvel at how beautiful the first kid is. "This is the cutest thing I have ever seen."

When they saw the second baby, they had only a single word to describe their reaction.

"Repost."
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what do we call a pair of identical twin cats?

Duplicats
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My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...
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I tried to make a joke about identical frequencies and wave forms.

But it really separated the room.

I was expecting more coherence.
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I have the only identity where if it was stolen...

The person who brought it would ask for a refund
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Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis

, You know who you are, I think?
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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"
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Why are older Israelis More Prone to Identity Theft?

They still use Netanyahu.
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What do you call an identity stealing spaghetti?

An impasta!
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What do you call it when two people bring identical lunches to the office?

A cuisine-kydink.

Sorry.
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What do you call a martial artist who's masking his identity?

Not sure, but you might want to use his judonym.
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Two friends are chatting when one says 'I had a date with identical twins last night' the other friend asks 'any luck?'

'Yes and no' replied the friend
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How many tickles does it take to confirm your identity?

Just 2 test tickles.
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A set of identical twins are separated at birth

A mother in Italy was unable to keep her babies, she had two identical twin boys. Unfortunately she couldn’t find a family to take both children so two separate families each took one of the boys. One of the families was from Lebanon and named their son “Amal”. The other family was from Spain and...
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What is Superchicken's secret identity?

Cluck Kent

^(My eight year old told me he made that up.)
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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

A man hurt himself while trying to chop wood

I guess you could say he had an axe-ident.
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A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...
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I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.
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What do identical stars do?

Twin-kle
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TIL Smoking cannabis and drinking codeine infused solutions causes temporary memory loss and identity confusion among young lyrical artists.

That's why new rappers are always asking "What's my motherfucking name, y'all!"

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Stan Lee wrote Tony Stark as a character with a sexual identity crisis.

He's all man, but likes to dress as FEmale

What do you call the identity of a person who secretly is a priest?

It’s an altar ego.
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Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.
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I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.

On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.



It said "It sucks to be you."
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My wife appears to have had her identity stolen.

Some woman at the mall just parked really badly and had a go at me like it was my fault.
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What was the true identity of the Greek Spider-Man?

Pita Parker
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If identical siblings are both interested in something,

Do they have twin piques?
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A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood.

It was an axe-ident.
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Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...
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How does the lead singer of Nickelback prove his identity?

"Look at this photograph"
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Two identical twins that were separated at birth were asked how they reunited

Well, one said, “we met online and immediately noticed many physical similarities”

The other chimed in “ we both mentioned in our bio how we never actually met our parents”

“It was quite a strange coincidence that we met, huh”

“Yeah, grinder is a wonder, isn’t it?”
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What do you call a car crash with a lumberjack

An *Axe*-ident
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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

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The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

My identity was stolen two days ago.

They called today begging for me to take it back.
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A scientist couple had identical twins...

They named one Peter and the other one Control Group.
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My neighbours have two sons - identical twins names Jamal and Juan.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.
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What do you call a baker who has no identity?

John Dough
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I encountered an eagle with an identity crisis...

He's watching me like a hawk.
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Conspiracy theorists think that Vice President Cheney stole someone's identity, and that his birth name is actually Bart.

It's not true. I've met him. He's a real Dick.

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates
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What do you call a cat who steals someone's identity?

An impawster.
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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it kno...
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