UPJOKE
confederacycarolinaquitmanmidwestcarolinianappalachiaoregoniankansanmissourianchesapeakeyosemitealaskanshilohkentuckianfloridian

Irl Jokes

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I had sex with 3 girls

I wish i could post this in a different sub.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings...

Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

IRL Accidental joke story

IDK where to post this but I figured I'd make some people chuckle before it gets taken down. But if someone in comments could point out a subreddit for funny stories, thanks that'd be awesome.

Was working on a neighbors overhang/pergola and roof (damages, old house). His 4 year old kid was as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

Does anyone want to meet up irl and play games together? Or we could just hang out and talk about life

Asking for a friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

This joke was inspired by a IRL event

I went to the kitchen, and I looked up through the skylight windows. I then noticed a plastic Rite Aid bag that was stuck in a tree.

My dad saw me looking up, and he asked me, "What are you looking at?"

I said to him, "There is a Rite Aid bag in the tree."

He asked me, "Do you ...

All my friends keep saying that my new girlfriend is imaginary...

Joke's on them, so are they

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, "Your name is Brian."

I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."

Social Media IRL

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my f...

At a restaurant, a girl asked me if I was single.

I said yes, and then she took the chair in front of me,

Something I saw posted on reddit the other day just happened to me IRL...

It was a meme come true!

What is the one thing common between my girlfriend and my favorite book?

Both are works of fiction.

I once dated a girl with a twin. We all know the immediate fantasy that springs to mind, and so i thought i'd ask.

I asked and they agreed.
It was a wonderful experience and if anything her twin was a really nice guy.

I love it when I’m walking close behind a girl and she starts speed walking.

It’s as if she wanted to race all along.

10 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date,.

Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

Girls are always so impressed with how fast I can take a bra off

But generally, they’re not too happy that I was wearing one in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Golfing Injury

A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have ...

I'm always pestering women, I've asked the same girl out 3 times

She said yes each time, I just had to be sure

I'm much better at organizing my thoughts on Reddit than I am IRL

After all, most of my comments here just have the one point.

Meeting your ex IRL is like staring into a black hole

There should be something there, but there isn't. And it sucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When girls find out I have a small penis they all say the same thing. "Don't worry about it, size isn't important.

I wouldn't fuck you even if you had a huge dick."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dare someone to pull off this joke IRL.

A manager calls one of his employes because he is very late for work.
The employee picks up the phone. The boss enquires, "John, why aren't you at work?" John responds, "I have a medical condition." Concerned the manager asks, "What is it?" John replies, "I have anal glaucoma." The manager respo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally had an IRL date with a Redditor on Saturday night

Things went great and we were actually physically attracted to each other. She invited me back to her apartment for a drink. One thing led to another, and we ended up in bed.

She liked when I nibbled on her, and although it sounds cliched, she ended up saying, "Hurt me! Hurt me!"

...

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.