UPJOKE
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Isn't it strange how sometimes a random 80s rap song will start playing in your head for no reason?

I guess we just have to accept that the brain is a very complex organ, because it's like that, and that's the way it is.

a fly stayed on pence's head for a couple of minutes at tonight's debate

at least the fly knew when his two minutes were up.

What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?

That would be soda pressing.

I went to the doctor because I’ve had the Pawn Stars theme stuck in my head for two weeks

He said he’d have to call in a buddy of his who was an expert on those sorts of things

(But seriously please help me I’m going insane)

Two boxers go head to head for the biggest match of the season!

In one corner we have Timmy “The Lemon” Dorah!

And in the other corner we have Tommy “The Lime” Jokata!

Both men are known for their vastly different capabilities, Timmy having an extremely weak body, but insanely strong arms, and Tommy being known for his insanely strong body and extr...

A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.

Bartender says, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

One of the birds says, “oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside.”

A wise man once told me that you should love with your heart and use your head for everything else

He died of a concussion

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Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

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Funeral procession

A man is jogging in the park one day and witnesses the strangest funeral procession he had ever seen. There was another man walking immediately behind a hearse and in front of it was a second hearse. Behind the man was a line of about 50 men walking single file. Curious, the jogger walked up to the ...

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!


Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

A Redhead, a Brunette and a Blonde

were on the run from robbing a bank, they were almost out of gas so they pulled over and ran into the first store they could find. The redhead hid behind a bag of dog food, the brunette hid behind a bag of cat food and the blonde hid behind a sack of potatoes.

The police seeing their car park...

A good-natured conspiracy theorist wakes up and realizes that he's died in his sleep and gone to heaven...God appears and says "welcome my son, as a reward for your virtuous life, I can answer one question for you about any topic you'd like with absolute certainty..."

The man thinks for a second and asks God "who actually killed JFK?"

God's eyes roll back in to his head for a minute while he scours the divine historical record. After a moment, he returns to normal and says "Lee Harvey Oswald."

The man replies "Wow! This goes way deeper than I though...

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