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Hamish Jokes

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Meeting the locals....

Tom had been in Police work for 30 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he retires from his job and buys 50 acres of land in the highlands of Scotland, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and does a food shop once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace ...

My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."...

What do you call a Scotsman who's nearly at his house?

Hamish

My friend once accused me of boiling my pets

To prove to him that this simply wasn't the case I showed him my hamster, Hamish, alive and well. He then said 'what about the incident with nemo?'

I said don't be ridiculous, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

Visiting married friends

Hamish MacTavish is visiting his married friends Sandy and Glenda MacDougal.

”Sandy, I can’t help it,” says Hamish, ”but Glenda really turns me on. If I could pinch her bare backside just once, I would give you a thousand dollars.”

”For that kind of money,” says Sandy, ”I don’t think t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Speech Therapist

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, ...

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