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Dog Bark Jokes

Neighbour’s Barking Dog

Two neighbors (the Smiths & the Jones) haven't been getting along. You see, Mr. Smith leaves his dog outside all day and the dog never stops barking.

Finally, after not being able to hear himself think, Mr. Jones tells his wife: "I'VE HAD IT!" and he stomps outside.

Upon returning...

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

A wise chinese guy once said: If a dog barks-

It's undercooked.

A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks...

it's not cooked well enough."

What does a swedish dog bark like?

Bjork

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

What do you do if you dog barks too much?

Put him in a barking lot

How do you stop a dog barking in July?

Shoot him in June.


From the old Adam West Batman, as told by Cesar Romero. Still the #1 Joker, apologies to Heath Ledger.

"You never talk to me anymore, you treat me like I'm a dog barking"

"Oh, **you** were talking? I thought a dog was barking."

What do you call a dog barking under some rocks?

A subwoofer

My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

If you have your wife banging at one door, and your dog barking at the other, which do you let in first and why?

The dog, because after you let him in, he stops whining.

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the next door neighbours dog would not stop barking.

So one day this guy has a big win on a horse race and goes for a few drinks to celebrate, after a few too many pints decides he has had enough of this dog barking across the wall from next door every night. So he marches up to his neighbours door and offers to buy the dog for a big wad of notes. The...

A Man Walks Into a Bar with His Little Dog...

He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "25 bucks says this dog can talk!"

Bartender says, "I'll take that bet. Make it quick."

Man looks at the dog and points upward. "What's the name of this thing over our head keeps the rain out?"

Dog barks, ...

Smartest dog

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bum walks into a bar with his dog...

He says to the bartender, “Hey fella, if my dog can talk, will you give me a free drink?”

Bartender looks at him suspiciously but says, “yeah, sure, why not.”

So the guy looks at the dog and says, “ok boy, what is on top of a house?!”

The dog barks out, “Roof! Roof!”

Then...

A man and his dog walk into a bar

The man tells the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this is a talking dog."

The bartender says, "Ok, if it is a talking dog, I will give you $100. But if it isn't, then you give me $100 and I'll throw you and the dog out that window."

The man looks to the dog and says, "Ok, boy: what is ...

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

...Blonde dog!

...Blonde lying in bed with her husband listening to next door neighbours' dog barking for hours and hours every night!

* **blonde:** "I've had enough of this," ....the blonde runs downstairs, finally returns back to bed.

* **husband:** "The dog is still barking. What have you done?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting in a bar bragging about his dog...

He says his dog can do basic maths and that if anyone asks a basic question and his dog cant answer it, he'll buy them a beer.
So one man says ''What's 1+3?'' and the dog barks 4 times.
Another man asks ''What's 5-2?'' and so the dog barks 3 times.
A large man in a torn and foul-smelling ja...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says “you can’t have a dog in here!” The guy says, “this is a really smart dog. If I prove that to you, can we stay?” And the bartender says sure.

So the guy turns to the dog and says “What goes on top of a house?”

And the dog barks “...

I went to the pound the other day...

...I was looking for a new dog. While I was there one stood out in particular. Every minute he would bark out the time exactly as it happened.

"Bark! 12:32"

...

"Bark! 12:33"

...

"Bark! 12:34"

"This dog is amazing!" I thought to myself as I wondered w...

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