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Back Pocket Jokes

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

I lost $2000 out of my back pocket...

When I got home my dad asked “whats wrong?”
I replied, “I don’t feel too grand.”

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

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A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pul...

What did the cell phone say to the back pocket?

Can I make a ?

(Credit goes to my coworker who doesn't know what reddit is)

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I took a Life Saver from a girl's back pocket at work.

I got fired for her mint.

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket?

Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

A guy buys the new Iphone 8 , He puts it in his back pocket when he hears a crack

I hope that was my spine he said.

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

A married couple had a deadbeat son.

An married couple had a son in his late 20s still living at home. The parents were concerned that they're son showed a disinterest with pursuing settling down getting on with his life.

The son was working at his part-time job at a pizza place. The dad, at home, said, "I have an idea." He laid...

When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring;

I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

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The Moral of the Story

There once was a fly, hovering above a pond.

The fly was thinking "I'm awfully thirsty, I think I'll go down to the pond and have a drink."

What the fly didn't know was that a fish was watching him thinking "That fly is looking awfully thirsty. When he comes down to get something to d...

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

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A frog hops into a bank and goes up to a teller.

He notices the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he decides to ask her
"HI Ms. Whack. My name is Kermit and i would like a $50,000 loan for a vacation".

The teller is taken aback and asks "who are you and why would we give you a loan?"

The frog says "Dont worry my father is Mick Ja...

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FaceID

What does it say about you when you enable FaceID and go to put your phone in your back pocket and it unlocks??


I feel like Apple is either saying I have good looking or my face needs improvement.

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A Jewish man rubs a lamp. : Genie. “You get one wish.”

Jewish man pulls out a map from his back pocket and points at Israel and Palestine. “See these two countries? I wish for peace here.”
Genie: “Can’t be done. You have another wish?”
Jewish man: “Sure. Before I die, I want my wife to give me one last .”
Genie: “Can I see th...

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O'Malley was really smashed this time.

I'm talking traffic cone huggin, pavement lickin kershnickered.

He was really doing good stumblin home, though. He made it all the way up the walk and almost to the top of the stairs before he fell back on the the pavement and heard the breaking of glass.

The pint of Paddy's he had ...

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...
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