UPJOKE
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Abl Jokes

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.

The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."

"You're on," says the big guy.

"Right...

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years...

But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.

Doctor : "After the operation, you will be able to meet your family members tomorrow….!"

Patient: "But I am all alone Doctor!! All the family members have passed away!!"

Doctor : "I know that...!"

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You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

My mom told me I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

How are blind spiders able to see?

They use web sites.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

How were Viking longships able to effectively communicate with one another?

They used Norse code.

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

Do you know why Tom wasn't able to close his windows?

Because Jerry had the mouse!

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

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I have a pretty unique ability. I'm able to put a rope up my ass and tie it together before pooping it back out.

I shit you knot

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

Why was the woodman able to save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandma so quickly?

Because he knew "Inside every wolf there are two people..."

You are able to cook a grenade

But they should specify that it’s non-microwaveable.

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

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I've never been able to tell jokes

I always punch up the fuckline

Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.

My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.

Why was no one able to go to the dock anymore

It collapsed because of Pier pressure

As a large man I've never been able to properly wash my back

So my wife bought me a loofah on a stick.

Now I can put all that behind me.

ever since COVID I haven't been able to get my favorite bagel.

This everything shortage is really is getting out of hand.

Am I able to think up of a brand new color...

...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

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I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

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A guy told me I'm weird and asked for my deets to pass on to a therapist who might be able to straighten me out. I said "No thanks....

....I prefer to remain anomalous."

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it

The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

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After years of research and experimentations, a Generic Engineering Biologist was able to make a perfectly healthy Hybrid between a Fish and Duck.

The only problem left to be solved now for him is:

Whether to name it a Dish or a Fuck?

I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month

Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere

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We may not be able to call black people the N-word

But we can say things like "hey dad" and "have a nice day officer."

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Why Wasn't the Green Pepper Able to Participate in the Archery Competition?

It didn't habanero....

A friend of mine asked if I thought hummus was able to be used as a facial exfoliation scrub.

I said to him "I've had a smashed chick pee on my face before it worked wonders can't see why it wouldn't here"

Tiger Woods won't be able to play the Masters this year.

Having difficulties with his driving.


Too soon?

How are nine ants able to live in an apartment for free?

By not being tenants.

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Before going into my operation, I asked to surgeon "Will I be able the play golf after my operation?"

"Yes, I suspect so." The surgeon replied.

"That's good because I couldn't fucking play before".

Is Tom the cat able to pour gasoline on the ground from a container?

No, but Jerry can.

Despite what his detractors say, Donald Trump accomplished what no other U.S. President was able to do.

He got himself impeached. TWICE.

Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?

Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.

Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!

Other than King Arthur, nobody was able to pull the Sword out of the Stone.

You could say, they didn't have Arthurization.

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

How come the Fresh Prince was able to craft a sword?

He's a black Smith.

Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions

…tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf.

How was Jaws able to sneak up on people while they were swimming?

Wouldn't they hear the tuba?

Beethoven was told he wouldn't he able to make music. But did he listen?

No

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

Man, people with glasses must be able to see into the future.

Why?

Because they have four-sight.

All I want from my job is to be able to put food on the table.

I'm a waiter.

Blind people aren't able to program.

They can't C.

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.

You just have to have cell coverage.

Did you hear that doctors were able to replace a stamen with a pistil?

It was the first successful trans-plant.

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.

It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

I thought with my vasectomy my wife wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.

I guess it just changes the color of the baby.

All women should be able to do atleast 70 things

69 and leave

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I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

Edit: I just thoguht of my favorite joke used in-game:
The joke teller, a girl on my team, was put on the phone with a young sounding guy:
Her: Knock knock
Him:Whos there?
Her:(Sexy voice) *Whoever you want it to be baby*
And then he laughed and she hung up. No Q for us!

**Doub...

I'm so sick of my friends not being able to handle their alcohol

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me home

Why were’t the melons able to get married?

Because they cantaloupe

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

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I’ve always wanted to have sex with a cougar, haven’t been able to yet.

Damn zookeepers keep getting in the way

TIL bumblebees are able to fly higher than Mount Everest.

Because Mount Everest can't fly.

To being able to dance with your girlfriend during quarantine

First imagine you have a girlfriend

Why are pelicans able to dive into the ocean they way they do?

Because they're called peliCANs, not peliCAN'Ts.

Thanks to my internet service provider, I was finally able to read a book....

They had an outage

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

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A key to a woman’s heart is being able to make her laugh.

She laughed at the size of my penis

I think that anti-vaxxers kids should be able to read the facts and be able to decide if they want to vaccinated or not

The only problem is they never get old enough to read.

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76 years ago today, Adolf Hitler did what no one else was able to do

He killed Hitler.

After all these years I was finally able to hang my brother

s stocking on the mantle! Happy Holidays!

I wasn't able to catch my train...

The air was so foggy that I mist it.

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Why wasn’t Hitler able to foresee his own demise?

Because he was part of the not-see party.

What’s more crushing than not being able to start your car?

Not being able to stop it

It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

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Teacher asks a question from the next chapter in a class. You are able to answer because:

You Reddit.

Faith may not be able to move mountains

But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.

Why are all glasses wearers able to rip paper with just one look?

They have tearable vision.

How are men like a linoleum kitchen floor? If you are able to lay them correctly the first time,

Then You Are Able To Walk All Over Them For The Next Twenty Five Years.

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The other day I told my doctor I havent been able to poop in weeks

He said I was full of shit

The little fighter plane thought he wouldn't be able to fly high enough

Not with that altitude you won't

Humans were never able to fly

until we got it Wright.

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I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

What do you call it when you're finally able to take off your mask?

An airgasm

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

My friend always brags about being able to turn cake into alcohol

He must be a fungi at parties...

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!


And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire were finally able to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame by using a Jedi mind trick...

"These are not the 'roids you're looking for ..."

Did you hear scientists were able to grow vocal cords in a petri dish?

The results speak for themselves

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

Ever wonder how cows are able to stand on such steep hills?

They have strong calves.

My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

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A man dies and he's able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.

And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "wh...

All these jokes about Asians not being able to last...

Just take a look at Vietnam. It was the French you pulled out first and then the Americans that left. Only Vietnamese still stayed.

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:

'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'

'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'

'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'

The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I n...

A trans friend of mine was recently able to adopt a kid.

Haven’t really seen him around lately, though, now that he’s a trans parent.

I used to not be able to tell the difference between sine and cosine

But it was just a phase

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

What lives in a tree, is very religious and is sometimes able to open doors?

A Monk-Key

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

My Boss: "I'm scheduling a meeting for next week" Coworker: "I am able to take the minutes" ...

Me: "... and I'm able to take hours."

Not the greatest joke, but the title of this post just came through my inbox and I can't reply with that. Not that I don't WANT to reply with that. So I'm here. I just needed to tell SOMEONE.

I feel better. I can get on with my day.

My Wif...

I was finally able to make it out of the friendzone.

Turns out she didn’t want to be my friend either.

Which spice girl is able to carry the most petrol?

Geri can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

"We should always help abled people", says miss Mandy to the class

"Would anyone like to share a story where you helped one?", She adds....
Kevin stands up and says, "I, with my 4 friends, made a blind woman cross a road!"
Miss Mandy says, "wow! That's amazing! B...

Considering that Jesus Christ was able to make wine from water

and the fact that I can make water from wine,
does it make me Antichrist?

Roger the wingless eagle didn't let the ridicule coming from other able-bodied birds get him down

He was unflappable

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out, I've been doing it for years.

I asked my cat how he's able to live life so adventurously...

...he told me you just have to live in the meow.

Kudos to that guy who was able to poach deer

I can't even poach an egg decently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Princess Buttercup and Wesley were never able to have children

She was inconceivable.

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women might be able to fake orgasms.

But men can fake a whole relationship.

Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas?

Because he was Snowden.

A skydiver opened his parachute too late. He won’t be able to make it

Not with that altitude

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