UPJOKE

Went To The Doctor Jokes

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

A woman went to the doctor's office and seen by one of the new young doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the ...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

An expecting couple went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done

The doctor told them that their child looked good, but that there was some anomaly or complication, so he asked them to come back next week.

The next week, the doctor did another ultrasound, and informed the couple that they were actually going to have twins. He also noted there was again som...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor today and said

“Doctor, my ass hurts!” He said
“Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” I said
“Right around the entrance!” He replied
“My advice is that as long as you call that the entrance, it’s gonna hurt.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

A guy went to the doctor to get snipped...

Afterwards there was a vast difference in his vas deferens.

I went to the doctor

Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.

He said: 4 meters.

A man went to the doctor with a wax buildup in his ear

He sat down on the bed and the first thing the doctor asked what ear it was.

The man said it was 2023

A gingerbread man went to the doctor because his knee hurt...

The doctor told him to ice it...

I went to the doctors and said

"every time I drink a cup of tea or coffe, I get a shooting pain in my eye"

Doctors said "just take the spoon out the cup next time".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors' this morning...

"It's my testicles, doctor." I told her. "One of them isn't normal."

"Excuse me?" She said, rather abruptly. "Are these your certificates on the wall? Did you spend the best part of a decade earning a medical degree? Is that your name on this office door? Are YOU a doctor?"


"Err, n...

Ray Charles went to the doctor.

Doctor said, "I got good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"

Ray says, "Give me the bad."

Doctor says, "Well Mr. Charles because of your diabetes we have to amputate your left leg."

Ray, "Damn. Well what's the good news?"

Doctor clears his throat and sings, "U...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

A depressed man went to the doctor

The man said "Doc, I'm having dark thoughts and I may be suicidal. What should I do?"

And the doctor said "Pay in advance."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out."

I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctors for a prostate exam

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate .......

But I still wish he hadn't

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to complain about his migraines.

Man: So doc, what’s the problem?

Dr. Well, after examination we’ve found out that we would need to castrate you.

Man: (surprised) What? Why? What does that have to do with my migraines?

Dr. You see the blood vessels in your penis gets bunched up and hence it constricts blood flo...

I went to the doctors because I’ve suddenly acquired a fear of flying

The thinks it could be a terminal illness

Did you hear about the sandwich who went to the doctor?

He went to the mayo clinic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old farmer went to the doctor...

When the doctor comes in, the old farmer says, "Doc I haven't been able to shit for days."

The doc says, "I have just the thing for you." The doc then gave the old farmer some suppositories and tells him to take one when he gets home.

The farmer goes home and takes it and a day later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor, turns out I'm constipated...

No shit

The Jalapeño went to the doctor, complaining of back pain. The doctor noticed it was crooked.

Turns out, he had Scovilleosis

A plumber went to the doctor

He said "Doctor, every time I try to sleep I close my eyes and see visions of PVC, copper, steel and corncob. Am I going mad?!"

The doctor replied "Relax. You're just having pipe dreams."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

I went to the doctor today

“Looks like you’re pregnant,” he said. “That’s impossible, I can’t be.” “You’re not. You just look like it.”

I went to the doctor and told him....

"doctor, I feel like I'm repeating the same day over and over again"

He told me to stop reading r/jokes

A man went to the doctor..

The doctor said, "As a part of your physical exam we're gonna need a sperm sample, take this jar and bring it back to me tomorrow." The next day comes back and says "Sorry, doctor." He hands her the jar and it's empty." "Well doc, it was like this. I started with my left hand, nothing, then my right...

Chuck Norris went to the doctor for surgery

When the doctor woke up from sedation, Chuck gave him a lolly pop and wished him a good day.

I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.

The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?”

I said, "Yes, they’re in favor 14 to 3.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I went to the doctor...

She asked "What brings you here today?"

I replied "My car."

And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors yesterday.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor and he told me I have to stop masturbating. I asked him the reason why.

He said, "because I'm trying to examine you!"

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting...

A lady went to the doctor because she had been struggling to lose weight.

She had tried all kinds of diets and pills and exercise programs with no success. The doctor said, "don't worry; I have a special remedy that is sure to work. Just eat a small piece of sesame cracker with unsweetened tea three times a day for three weeks. Then check in with me on your progress."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor to see about penis enlargement.

He turned out to be a shrink.

I went to the doctor to get a prostate exam.

The doctor told me to take my jeans and underpants off and to bend over the table.
As he was putting plastic gloves on, he said:

”Alright Steve, don’t get hard this time.”

”My name’s not Steve” I said.

”Yes, I know. I am Steve”.

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.

So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor...

A man went to the doctor on Saturday, to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor said, "I can't give you a double dose, it's too dangerous!" "But I really need it!", the man replied. The doctor asked him what he needed a double dose for, to which the man replied, "Well, my girlfriend is coming into ...

I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant

They changed my mind

I went to the doctor's the other day for a prostate exam...

He gave me the thumbs up!

A man went to the doctor’s office for a complete physical.

After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse “Give me a hand and help me turn him ...

My friend went to the doctor for a prostate exam

The doctor asked him to bend over the exam table. Then the doctor stands behind him and tells him to relax. My friend said he heard the doctor put on his gloves and squirt some lubricant into his hand. The doctor says, “On the count of three. 1, 2, 3”, and begins the exam. After a few minutes, my bu...

An 80 year-old man went to the Doctor

He said, "Hey Doc, when I was 25 years old I couldn't push my erection down with both hands. When I was *50* years old I couldn't push my erection down with both hands. Now I'm 80," the old man said, "and I can push it down a little bit with both hands". He looked the Doctor straight in the eye and ...

A man went to the doctor…

A man went to see his doctor. The Doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied, “I have pain in my ass”. The Doctor inquired, “where”? The man stated, “at the entrance.” The Doctor nodded and said, “as long as you keep calling it an entrance, you’re going to have pain there.”

A fellow went to the doctor for a physical examination...

... The doctor found him fit as a fiddle, with no sign of any ailments... but when the man left the office, he dropped dead right outside the door. The nurse hurried in and told the doctor, "That man you just examined fell dead on his way out! What shall we do?" The doctor replied, "Go turn him arou...

A man went to the doctor.

He told the doctor that he was having trouble getting his wife pregnant. The doctor gave him a bottle and told him to go home and provide a sperm sample. He went home and tried with his right hand. But his right hand couldn’t do it. So he tried with his left hand and he still couldn’t do it. So he c...

I went to the doctor

I said, "I'm suffering from hereditary diarrhea!"

He said, "that sort of thing doesn't run in the family"

I said, "well it's in my genes!"

He went to the doctor

Doctor every time I drink tea my eyes hurt and I really like tea , the doctor order him a cup of tea , after the guy drink it and start complaining of pain
The doctor said I think removing the spoon would really help with the pain .

I went to the doctor the other day

Me : I am afraid of random letters

Doctor : Are you?

Me : *confused screaming*

Doctor : Oh I see

Me : *screaming intensifies*




I saw this somewhere and though to share it here

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jox went to the doctor…

Jox:- “Doctor my penis has got brown spots..”

After examining Jox, the doctor asks..“Are you married?”
Jox:- “No !”
Doctor:- “Any girlfriend/boyfriend?”
Jox:- “No No !!”
Doctor:- “Do you visit brothels,call girls?”
Jox:- “Never”
Doctor:- “Mastrubation?”
Jox:-“No”

D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor

So I went to the doctor and he was needed to write me a prescription. He reached into his pocket to pull out a pen..Instead he pulls out a rectal thermometer..

The doctor then yells "Damn, some asshole's got my pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy went to the doctor with his penis

The doctor saw his penis and started laughing because it was tiny.

The guy said that wasn't the exact problem.

So the doctor asked what the exact problem was(still laughing).

The guy said, "Well, it's swollen..."








for those who didn't get it ...

I went to the doctor thinking i have long covid...

ME: Doctor, I think I have long covid

Doctor: have you lost your sense of taste..

ME: Definitely, I think listening to Michael Bolton is cool...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor's today, with a bright red scab on the head of my dick..

I dropped my trousers for him and straight away he told me it was caused by not eating properly.

"Oh come off it, doc!" I scolded. "You've not examined me or even asked about my lifestyle. How the fuck can you just assume I'm not eating properly?"

"It's a bit of tomato skin."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?

Doctor: Gemini

Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.

Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?

Astrologer: Cancer.

Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor...

Went to the doctor yesterday, and to my surprise, he told me that I had to stop masturbating.

"Stop masturbating? Totally? For how long?" I asked.

"Well, at least until you get out of my office."

Went to the doctors

Doctor: You’re overweight

Me: I want a second opinion

Doctor: You’re ugly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor because I had a piece of lettuce stuck in my butthole

The doctor gasped when they saw it.

I asked, “what’s wrong, Doc?”

They replied, “this isn’t just a piece of lettuce, it’s the tip of an iceberg.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from...

...knee pains.

“Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?”,

asked the doctor.

“Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?”

“Not ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor saying that she got some STI while masturbating with frozen vegetables.

Turns out it was her peas.

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind

Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor.

Doctor: How many drinks do you consume in a week?

Me: I don't know. I'm an alcoholic, not a fucking accountant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A old couple went to the doctor for a health checkup.

The man goes in first. The doctor asks him - Are you keeping well?

The man replies - Yes. Every night, when I go downstairs to the bathroom, I open the door and the light comes on. When I am finished, I close the door and the light switches off.

When it is the wife's turn, the doctor a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor...

Me: doctor help I've got 5 penises

Doctor: jesus christ how do your trousers fit?

Me: like a glove

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor...

"Doc, when I pee, it flies in all four directions of the compass."

"You swallowed a button! Next."

An old man went to the doctor

The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."

The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

Anna Paula went to the doctor.

She checked in at the desk. The receptionist asked her name.
"Anna Paula" she replied.
"And your last name?"
"My last name is Day."
The receptionist went back to the doctor and came back quickly. "I'm sorry the doctor refused to see you."


Which just proves that Anna Paula Day...

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'

- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '

Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how ...

I went to the doctor...

Because the back of my foot hurt.
He told it could be months before it heels.

I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam.

It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife went to the doctor to ask for help

“My husband’s penis is so big, it nudges at my liver whenever we have sex,” the wife said.

“Wow. In that case, let’s prep your husband for surgery. We’ll trim his penis a little bit so it doesn’t reach your l—“

“Uhm,” the wife interrupted. “How about we move my liver instead?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

A man went to the doctor

"I have some bad news and some very bad news," the doctor said.

"Let me know the bad news first," said the man.

"You have 24 hours to live," replied the doctor.

"Oh no! What is the very bad news then?"

"I forgot to tell you that on yesterday's appointment."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors for some butt cream

I called the doctor the next day...

Me: Doctor, I’ve had quite a reaction from applying this cream you’ve given me

Doctor: oh really? Where did you apply it?

Me: on the bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy had an erectile dysfunction and went to the doctor...

... the doctor gave him a little pill and told him:
"Take this the next time you drink a coffee with your wife nearby."
Four days later the man again visits his doc:
"Doc this didn't work out. I did like you told me. Coffee with wife, take the pill! I immediately noticed the effect and te...

I went to the doctor the other day and said: "Have you got anything for wind?"

So he gave me a kite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor

He said: sir can you please help me, I can’t stop singing What’s New Pussycat! What do I do?

The doctor replied: that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome

The man asked: Is it common?

The doctor responded: Well, it’s not unusual.

Do you know why the cookie went to the doctor? BECAUSE HE FELT CRUMMY! AH-HAHAHA! Do you know why the cookie went back to the doctor?

Cancer. Stage 4 cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor with an unusual problem...

"Doctor, I've got three breasts." She declared.

"Please undress," said the doctor.

"Doctor, I'm worried that when you'll see my problem you'll laugh", she said nervously.

"Don't be concerned, Miss" said the Doctor. "I'm a medical man and I'm fully trained to handle such proble...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor... (NSFW)

...and I said "I had a bit of a fall in my kitchen, and as embarrassing as this is, I've got my cock & balls stuck in a jar of vinegar."

"Any pain?" said the doctor.

"A slight pickling sensation..."

I ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles. I went to the doctor and he said:

"Your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."

A proctor went to the doctor.

Doctor: "Please leave my waiting room."

Proctor: "I don't want to. Why should I?"

Doctor: "You're testing my patients!"

I went to the doctor to get a cognitive test.

The cardiologist told me “You’re not very bright but your hearts in the right place.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an eighty year old man who went to the doctor for his annual checkup, and when the doctor finished checking him over, he was amazed and said

“Sir, you have the body of a 40 year old, and the physique of a 20 year old; tell me, what’s your secret.”

The old man replies “Well I have a very good relationship with the lord, so much so, that when I go to the bathroom at night he turns the light on for me.”

Now the doctor was just...

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

Went to the doctor for an ear infection and now I’ve found out I’m actually going deaf.

That news was pretty hard to hear.

A man went to the doctor about rectal itching.

After the exam he asked the doctor "Is it hemmorhoids?".

The doctor replied "That's how they started, but they have grown a good deal. I think I would call these meatier rhoids".

wife said I need to lose a couple pounds so I went to the doctor

healthcare in the UK is damn cheap

A radish went to the doctor...

A radish went to see his doctor after a horrific accident left him comatose for weeks.

When he woke up, he told the doctor that he was feeling a little better, He said, "Doc what are my chances of a full recovery?"

Doctor: "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors because I had a lettuce stuck up me arse.

All he did was apply a dressing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor the other day for a sexual problem.

It’s not what you’re probably thinking though.

My eyes and sometimes my entire face would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.

The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray but I’m seeking a second opinion.

A guy went to the doctor and complained:

"Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?"

"Well, let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jum...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.