UPJOKE

A Man Went To The Doctor Jokes

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.

So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

A man went to the doctor’s office for a complete physical.

After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse “Give me a hand and help me turn him ...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A man went to the doctor..

The doctor said, "As a part of your physical exam we're gonna need a sperm sample, take this jar and bring it back to me tomorrow." The next day comes back and says "Sorry, doctor." He hands her the jar and it's empty." "Well doc, it was like this. I started with my left hand, nothing, then my right...

A man went to the doctor and said: "Doc, I broke my arm in 12 places."

The doctor replied: "Well, stop going to those places then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

A man went to the doctor…

A man went to see his doctor. The Doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied, “I have pain in my ass”. The Doctor inquired, “where”? The man stated, “at the entrance.” The Doctor nodded and said, “as long as you keep calling it an entrance, you’re going to have pain there.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor...

A man went to the doctor on Saturday, to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor said, "I can't give you a double dose, it's too dangerous!" "But I really need it!", the man replied. The doctor asked him what he needed a double dose for, to which the man replied, "Well, my girlfriend is coming into ...

A man went to the doctor because he felt sick and tired because he couldn't stop telling airport jokes.

He found out it was terminal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

A man went to the doctor.

He told the doctor that he was having trouble getting his wife pregnant. The doctor gave him a bottle and told him to go home and provide a sperm sample. He went home and tried with his right hand. But his right hand couldn’t do it. So he tried with his left hand and he still couldn’t do it. So he c...

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him, "Sir, I have bad news, you are going to die soon"

The man said, "well that is just terrible, what should I do?"

The doctor told him, "You should take 3 mud baths every day"

The man said, "well, how is that going to help me?"

The doctor says, "It will get you used to the dirt"

A man went to the doctor about pain in his backside

He said:

"Doctor please help me my bottom hurts"

The doctor replied,

"Well can you tell me exactly where it hurts"

The man said,

"Right around the entrance it's really sore"

To which the doctor said,

"My advice is that for as long as you call that the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor

The man told the doctor he had a kingdom of ants inside his butt the doctor told him to bring a fruit to attract the ants outside his butt. The man went home and placed a watermelon near his butt the ant king came out and tasted the watermelon


Then the ant king shouted:BOYS BRING IT IN

A man went to the doctor about rectal itching.

After the exam he asked the doctor "Is it hemmorhoids?".

The doctor replied "That's how they started, but they have grown a good deal. I think I would call these meatier rhoids".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor...

"Doc, when I pee, it flies in all four directions of the compass."

"You swallowed a button! Next."

A man went to the doctor

"I have some bad news and some very bad news," the doctor said.

"Let me know the bad news first," said the man.

"You have 24 hours to live," replied the doctor.

"Oh no! What is the very bad news then?"

"I forgot to tell you that on yesterday's appointment."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor

He said: sir can you please help me, I can’t stop singing What’s New Pussycat! What do I do?

The doctor replied: that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome

The man asked: Is it common?

The doctor responded: Well, it’s not unusual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming,...

A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys."

The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away."

"Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked.

"Why?" the doctor inquired.

"Because I'm scheduled to wrestle in the championship match tonight," he replied.

A man went to the doctor for male performance problem.

“Do you think the booze could be an issue?” Asks the doctor.

“Maybe not the booing so much as her slow, ironic clapping.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

A man went to the doctor asking what he could do to live longer.

The doctor asked him some preliminary questions.

"Do you drink much?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you stay up late or go to wild parties?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you eat fatty or sugary foods?"

"No, Doctor."

"Do you consum...

A man went to the doctor

The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..."

The man asked "well how long do i have doc?"

The doctor said "10"

The man asked "10 what?"

The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."

A man went to the doctor's, concerned about his liver...

The doctor asked: "When do you typically drink?"




The man replied: "i drink when flying. Calms the nerves."




The doctor sat back. "I see. Would you describe yourself as an alcoholic? Perhaps alcohol isn't the issue after all."




The man thought fo...

A man went to the doctor’s in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor.

“It’s my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares.”

“Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?”

“Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, ‘Quick, get out, my husband’s coming home,’ that, without thinking,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

The doctor prescribed him a course of suppositories to ease the pain and told him to come back in a week.

A week later he returns. The doctor asks him how the suppositories worked.

The guy says "they were absolutely useless. For all the good they did I may as well have just shoved them...

A man went to the doctor complaining about memory loss.

\-And when did this start? Asked the doctor.

\-When did what start? Replied the man.

A man went to the doctor's complaining of a headache

The doctor did some tests and discovered a brain tumor.

Doctor: Looks like we're going to have to perform a brain transplant.

Man: I don't want a brain transplant.

Doctor: You must or you'll die.

Man: It sounds scary, I don't want one.

Doctor: There's no other trea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the Doctor because his dick had turned bright orange (note, this is NOT a Trump joke)

The Doctor examined his penis, and exclaimed, "Well, I'm stumped, and have never seen this condition before. Tell me, what did you do last night?"

The man said "Well, after getting home from work, I watched some porn and ate some Cheetos"

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