A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"

Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

Do you know Chinese people have very bad knees?

When they meet each other, they often ask: "knee how?"

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Very bad product name

Did you guys hear that Apple scrapped its idea for an iPod touch for children when they realized that iTouch Kids would be a bad product name?

What do you call a very bad baker who gets distracted by trumpets

A Chet Baker

Doctor: I have bad news and very bad news

Me: what's the bad news?
Doctor: you have 24 hours left to live
Me: oh no!, What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you that yesterday

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

A sick man comes to a doctor. After an inspection, the doctor says "I have very bad news for you."

The man asks "What is so wrong?"

The doctor answers: "I missed all the lectures about your illness back in med school."

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My kitty ate a sports award. Would it be very bad to just wait and let him poop it out?

I'm thinking it would be a cat ass trophy.

My friend started calling the girls I was interested in very bad snipers

Because not even they would take me out.

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It was very good feeling, when I was in very bad mood and thinking about all my mistakes, and then my beloved crush came in my room.

Yet I was terrified she escaped my basement third time this month.

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A man is suffering with very bad headaches

So he eventually goes to see the Doctor who offers him a solution. ‘The good news is that I can cure your headaches,’ says the Dr. ‘The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press against the base of your spine. It’s this pressure ...

A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off...

Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good.

His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.

One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business.

He bought the company outright ...

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

Many Christians believe that the person who crucified Jesus made a very bad move.

I don't know, 'cos I think he nailed it.

Three old friends, all with very bad hearing, meet on the corner.

“Isn’t it windy?” the first man asks.



“No,” says the second, “it’s Thursday.”



“Agreed,” says the third man, “let’s go grab a beer.”

What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

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Physicists are very bad at sex.

Because when they get the momentum they can’t find the position and when they find the position they lose the momentum.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took
Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the firstd...

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A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA they decided to send it to President Trump.

Trump was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

He thought ...

Doctor : "I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life."

Me : OH MY GOD!

Doctor : Just kidding. She's dead.

"I've been a very bad girl. I need to be punished." She said...

"Very well.." I replied.. installing windows 8 on her laptop.

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My friend has very bad luck.....

If it was raining pussy somehow he'd get hit by a dick!

People say that using your pet name as password is very bad idea...

but my bcQr#1f!e is just so adorable!

My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2.

Passed over for promotion time and time again.

Old MacDonald had a very bad Scrabble hand...

E-I-E-I-O.

"I have bad news and very bad news"

said the doctor to his patient.

"Give me the bad news first, doc."

"You have 24 hours to live."

"Oh my god, that's terrible. What news could possibly be worse than that?"

"I tried calling you yesterday but there was no answer"

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David wanted a set of of twins very badly, so he asked his friend Mike for advice.

David asked him, "You have three sets of twins, three! Tell me, what is your secret!"


"I'll tell you," replied Mike, "but you gotta do exactly as I say."


David nodded his head fervently, "Okay, okay, tell me!"



"So, it's a four day process," Mike started, "The fi...

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

At The Door

One day, a woman's doorbell rang. The weather was very bad. The woman opened the door, and there stood a young girl, a Jehovah's Witness, soaking wet. The woman felt sorry for her, so she asked the young woman into the house for a cup of coffee and to dry off.

The woman wanted to make conver...

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

I need a thesaurus…

very very very very very very very very badly.

It's a very busy day in heaven, so God tells the angel at the gate to only allow people in who've had a terrible last day on earth.

The angel calls the first guy up, and asks him how his last day on earth was. "Horrible! My last day on earth was the worst in my life! I came home from work early, because I was suspecting that my wife was cheating on me, and when I went into my house I saw her naked in bed! I checked all the cupbo...

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[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

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Car accident

A man is called to the hospital, his wife and mother in law were in an accident. His wife held over for observation, and the doctor asks if his wife has any siblings.

He replies "no she an only child"

Dr Says "well than I am sorry to tell you you mother in law is very bad off. She has ...

I don't want to give a spoiler but

this joke is very bad

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

My coworker caught his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He told her the relationship was over and to leave immediately. I asked him what he said to his best friend.

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

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A man was playing golf with his local Vicar.

The man took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The man, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed "Damn - missed the bugger!".

The vicar said to the man "Please do not use foul language again."

They moved onto the next hole and exactly the same ...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

Did you know some vegetables are nevee transported by sea?

Because having a leek in the boat would be very bad.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

NSFW Husband catches wife...

I came home early from work the other day & caught my wife in bed with my best friend!

So I did what any man would do in a situation like that. I hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper & told him, "Bad dog, very bad dog! Get down! You know you're not allowed on the bed! Very ...

Trump is visiting a class

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my bes...

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Small village

In a country,there was a small village which has very bad winter conditions. So bad that , no communication, no WiFi,no transportation to anywhere.
One of correspandant of a newspaper decided to write an essay about that' village.
He set off and hardly reached to village. He found the sheriff ...

If you have a value of a million you are a millionaire, if you have a value of a thousand you are a thousandaire....

And also very bad with money

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A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

From a 19th Century Joke Book

Little Willie was six years of age and had a very bad habit of telling falsehoods about everything he saw or heard. One day, while out on the street playing, he saw a very large dog, and, becoming frightened, rushed into the house and said, “Oh, mother, I saw a big bear on the street and he chased m...

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

My joke from my son

Joke from my son:

Son: knock knock
Me: whose there?
Son: dishes
Me: dishes who?
Son: dishes a very bad joke.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

a man is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the man quicly responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that ...

Guy goes traveling to a small village in the jungle...

when he arrives he hears drums coming from the mountain behind the village. He asks the driver what the deal is with the drums. Driver says, "Oh. Drums stop very bad." Huh.
Well next he's walking around the village checking it out and he asks one of the villagers about the drums and the vil...

The Turkey Pardon

Scenario: This year's turkey pardoning.

The stage is set, the lights are warm, and the fingers are poised to hit the shutter. Trump emerges and stands ready, with a sparkle in his eye.

The turkey is presented. It's a plump beast with odd colorings. The usual brown plumage is a bit ta...

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

The toilet paper issue reminds me of a joke

When the white man first arrived to North America and set up camp, they weren't sure what to expect for their first winter. So, one man decided to chop a bunch of wood so it would be handy.

After befriending some nearby natives, he asked how cold the winters got. The native said, "Its going t...

A very Christian and conservative dad is mad at his son, Marcus, for having long hair.

Every day, when he comes home from work and sees Marcus, he gets dissapointed and mad because in his mind, men shouldn't have long hair.

One night, when he comes home, he gives his usual dissapointed look to his son and walks into the kitchen to eat whatever his wife had made.

A few ...

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation

to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?" The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the dr...

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those dr...

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

A man's waiting in a bread line in the Soviet Union

He's been waiting for hours, but just as he reaches the front of the line, the woman inside says, "sorry, out for today," and slams the door shut.

Naturally, he's apoplectic. He starts shouting- "So this is communism, eh?! I fought in the war against fascism, I've worked for the state my wh...

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

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My 1st grader got home from school and asked me

"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "h...

Some European explorers were traveling through the Amazon rainforest with some natives as guides...

when they started hearing drums in the distance. Puzzled the Europeans inquired, “we hear drums? What does that mean?”

The Natives answered, “When drums stop, very bad.”

Reluctantly the exploration continues. After 5 minutes the drums had started getting louder and the explorers star...

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I did an experiment with frogs in high school science class.

I set the frog down in front of me and told it to jump. The frog jumped beautifully up into the air.

So, I cut off one of its front legs. Then I said: "frog, jump!"
And the frog jumped. It was at a slight angle, but it wasn't too bad.

Then I cut off its second front leg and told it ...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood an...

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

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Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Pete...

You think you've had a bad day?

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers ...

Three motorcycle riders walk into roadside restaurant...

A middle aged man sits inside and eats his dinner.

The first rider went to the man and burned out his cigarette on his plate.

The second rider spitted into his milk.

Finally, the third rider dropped his lunch on the floor and stepped on it.


Without saying a word, the ...

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Little Johnny says "I'm sorry I'm late, teacher, my dad got burned this morning."

The teacher says, "Very badly?" and Little Johnny says "Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate. At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water. He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was. Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs. Thinking it's a bit weird, he s...

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A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street...

...in a very bad part of town. Out of the blue, a car rolls by and opens gunfire on the house behind her. Despite her best efforts, the woman took three bullets to her stomach and was rushed to the hospital.

The doctors did everything they could to save the woman and her three unborn childre...

Joe goes to the doctor

Joe goes to the doctor and the doctor says:"Joe, I have some bad news for you and some very bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Joe says:"Just give me the bad news first."
The doctor says:"Joe, you only have 24 hours left to live."
After the initial shock, Joe mumbles:"24 hours left....

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant..

the young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.


Sir, she said, I...

Little Bob went to church with his mom

At some point, he started feeling dizzy and unwell. He turns to his mom and asks: "Mom, can we leave now?"

"No Bob", his mom replied curtly.

"I feel very bad, I think I'm going to throw up".

"Then get out, find a bush to vomit in and come back".

Bob gets up and leaves, th...

A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...

She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony do...

Once a woman from a big city...

Once a woman from big city got married to a man who used to live in the forest with his tribe. That man was illiterate and have never been to a city before and the same goes for his tribe and his family.
After the marriage, the woman moved to his husband house in the village.
On her first mo...

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