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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his dat...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank.

Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

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There was a debate in my class about the Mexican/US border

Some argued that a wall was needed, and a rather racist friend of mine jokingly said:
"Mexicans are rather dumb, some barbed wire and such would be more than enough to keep those thieves out." After a short pause, he added: "As long as they don't start to steal the border itself".

Unsurpr...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

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I got so many bitches and so many hoes.

Then again, it's unsurprising considering I'm a farmer.

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

Have you heard Michael Stipe has died?

No? That's unsurprising seeing only two people know. That's me 'n the coroner

The fallen spoon

A man and his wife are sitting at a restaurant, eating their soup, when he suddenly drops his spoon. A waiter, who was just passing by, quickly picks it up, takes a spoon from his pocket and hands it to the customer.

Quite unsurprisingly, the man looks at the waiter in confusion. "Oh, don't b...

The king

Once there was a great tribal king. Fearlessly, he led his troops into battle. He settled disputes fairly, and ruled with grace and compassion. And he lived a humble life. No palaces for this king; he lived in a straw hut just like the rest of his subjects, and shared out the tribes resources so tha...

So Chris Brown has quit music...

Unsurprisingly, he has beaten Rihanna to it.

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A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer

It's September 1793, in Paris, France. A crowd of several thousand has gathered at the Place de la Concorde.

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are lined up for execution. All three women are accused of conspiring against the Revolutionary government.

Nodding to the smiling crowd, the ...

A man writes an OP-ED for his local newspaper.

He goes into great detail explaining why everyone in his town is an idiot and they are ugly too.

Unsurprisingly, it gets a VERY strong reaction. People hate him!

So the next week he calls up his local paper and asks them to publish his OP-ED again in the next week's paper.

th...

Top 10 worst jokes!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."


3.Two peanuts walk into a ba...

An old pirate walks into a bar...

He had the whole package: pegleg, hook for hand and an eyepatch.
He gets some stares from the other guests as he takes his seat by the bar.
Eventually one of the guests dares to ask: "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arr I only fell overboard one time in me whole pirate career and that's when ...

A police officer stops the local priest...

The police officer sees a car swerving to and fro, driving like an absolute madman, so of course, he stops the car. To his surprise, he finds who else but father Duffy at the wheel.
"Father Duffy, have you been drinking tonight?"
"Oh no, not a thing"
"Well I'm going to need you to take the ...

Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak...

Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak. They've been out all day, and the sun's setting. As the temperature drops, they decide to light a campfire on the watercraft, which, unsurprisingly sinks. This just goes to prove that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

I asked my racist granddad what does he think should be illegal...

His reply, quite unsurprising, was "Youth in Asia" .

...How did you do it?

There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, kill...

The Scientist and the Frog

A scientist wanted to test how far a frog could jump, so he trained it to jump on command.

The scientist said "jump" and the frog jumped an amazing 2.6 meters.

The scientist then cut off one of the frog's legs, and said "jump". Unsurprisingly the frog only jumped 2.1 meters.

The...

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Super baby

A man was sitting outside his wife's hospital room while she was giving birth. Finally, after half an hour of anxious anticipation, the doctor emerges from the ward holding the baby in his arms.

"Congratulations Mr Smith, it's a boy. Not only that, this baby has super powers!"

The man,...

Pickled Onion

*My friend told me this today, so I rewrote it the way I remember. Trust me, it's worth the read!*

This story takes place in the middle ages, with kings, knights, castles, etc.

There was an adventurer wandering through the night during a storm. The wind was gusting, and he was being pe...

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The truckload of penguins

A traffic cop is parked up by the side of the road, watching traffic pass. To his surprise, a flatbed truck crawls by, and the back is filled to the brim with penguins. Unsurprisingly, he wanders what the heck is going on, and immediately pulls out, tailing the truck.

He signals for the drive...

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