Under The Table Jokes - 72 Hilarious Under The Table Jokes

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

Me hiding under the table from the giant...

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

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He started slowly undoing his belt from under the table. She bit her lips. Was this really happening? Here? "Fuck it" she thought, and she started undoing her own belt from under the table.

He motioned to the waiter "another round of wings please"

They smiled at each other, knowing they both had room now.

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I was drinking my best friend under the table.

When someone bent down and said, "Is that a fucking dog in your glass?"

I was offered a job under the table

I waited 12 hours and no one showed up.

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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

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A man scores a hot date Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.

The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable ...

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A man goes to a doctor ..

To see about getting his penis enlarged. The doctor says “yes we can do that - there’s a new operation these days. We take the trunk of a baby elephant and graft it into your penis.”

So the man excitedly agrees and gets the operation. Six weeks later after it’s all healed he goes on a date wi...

What did the guy at the restaurant say to the bubble gum he found stuck under the table?

I have a bad feeling about this, Chewy.

500 dollars

Dave, Carl and Carl's wife, sara were playing cards on Thursday morning. Dave's card fell under the table and when he went down to get it, he saw that Sara was not wearing underwear.

Dave got back up and went to kitchen to get some refreshment. Sara followed her into the kitchen and asked, "...

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way...

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table?

I’d rather him just hand me my check standing up. It’s hard to crawl under there.

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A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

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Get out shep!

Loads of guy's sitting around a table in a pub.

One of them has a fart coming on.

He can't hold it in so tries to do a quiet one, letting only a little squeak out.

A guy looks down at his dog under the table and says quietly "Get out shep"!

The guy thinks "Um? Everybody...

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

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A girl brought her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents for the first time

When they were all sitting down to eat the boy sits down at the dinner table when he notices the family dog curls up right at his feet.

Dinner is going well when all of the sudden the boy accidentally lets out a tiny fart.

"Hey Bowser!" the girl's father whispered to the dog nudging hi...

Quick thinking

A beautiful young woman wearing a revealing black dress and a sharp-dressed middle-aged man were sitting across from one another in an exclusive, high-end New York City restaurant; long white tablecloths and perfectly arranged place settings with one small white candle burning brightly in the center...

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

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A man is having dinner with his girlfriend's family for the first time...

As they're eating, a little squeeker escapes him before he realizes that he's got to fart.

"Spot!!" yells the mother

Relieved, the man thinks "I just farted and they thought it was the dog under the table! Thank goodness"

After a few more minutes the man realizes that he's got t...

A bartender walked over to a table where two people were on a date

He spoke to the woman first- "Madame, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut you off. You both have clearly had too much to drink; your husband just slid under the table!"

The woman said "No, my husband just walked in the door!"

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A man goes to his girlfriends house for dinner..

The father invites him in. He sits down at the table, and starts eating. The family dog is sitting quietly under the table..

While eating, he feels the urge to pass gas.
Thinking he can do it silently, he decides to do it at the table.
"BRAAAAAPP" The sound of it echoes in the dining r...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

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A man undergoes a new procedure and has penis replaced

With an elephant trunk. He hasn't told his girlfriend because he wants to surprise her on their wedding night. He is having dinner at the future in-laws house and they are having steak and baked potato. They pass the plate of potatoes to him and out of nowhere something darts out from between his ...

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A guy went to a doctor about getting a penile implant.

When speaking with the doctor, he said "You have come to the right place. We have a new procedure, that has worked very well for several of my patients. We implant part of an elephant's trunk into your penis. I expect you'll enjoy it once the operation is complete.

Although the man was a l...

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My dad went to his girlfriends house for the first time when he was in college...

It was thanksgiving dinner, and he had been invited over since they had been dating for well over two years. In the middle of the meal, he felt a fart brewing. Hoping it wouldn’t be a sphincter-symphony, he lifted a cheek and slowly let it out. To his dismay, it was audible (though more of a piccolo...

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor..

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.

Blushing coming up from the table, he ...

Two mentos are in a bar...

...just enjoying a drink of coke, (as they do of course.)

Then a Halls Cough Drop walks in.

One of the mentos hides under the table. Shaking.

The other one asks him "What's up?"

The mentos hiding under the table replies "You don't wanna mess wi...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant...

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Stil...

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Can't you just UNDERSTAND!?

Little billy was bored so he was playing under the table in the kitchen with his toys to pass the time. His mom who was cooking and noticed him under the table shouted "Billy get out from under the table right now!" Little billy was confused and asked his mom " what does under mean?" She answered "i...

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

There once was a vampire named Mabel...

Whose menstrual period was stable.

So one week in four

She'd slip to the floor

And drink herself under the table.

Rover!

So this Steve is meeting his girl's father over dinner for the first time. Trouble is, Steve has really bad gas. So everything's going well: the food tastes nice, the father really seems to like him, and the the dog is eating the crumbs that fall under the table. But eventually, Steve lets one rip. ...

Two mints are having an argument in a bar

Both arguing with each other about who's the hardest, would win in a fight between them, general bragging and macho bs etc.

All of a sudden an Extra Strong Mint walks in and they both hide under the table until he finishes his drink and leaves.

The barman comes up to them and laughs "I...

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A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

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A man goes to the doctor to ask about options for penis enlargement.

He says, "doc, it's tiny. My pinky finger has more girth. I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me if I don't do something about it."

The doctor replies, "well, if you're really that small, I don't think medication is an option. However, there is an experimental surgery I've been developing, w...

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The Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

Two pieces of tarmac are sitting at a bar having a drink...

Suddenly, a red piece of tarmac storms into the bar and one of the pieces of tarmac having a drink jumps under the table to hide, his friend says to him, “what are you doing?”, he replies, “hiding, you don’t want to mess with him, he’s a cyclepath.”

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There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

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What if a MakeAWish kid wanted to lose their virginity?

They'd have to work something out under the table.

Dirty cop, dirty wife.

A policeman comes home from work early and finds his wife naked and a pair of boots his never seen before at the door. He starts running around the house. He opens the bathroom door, looks inside and says:"No one here, so where is he?".

He goes to the kitchen, checks under the table and says:...

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What's the difference between a stripper and a prostitute?

With a prostitute, money isn't the only thing that happens under the table.

My wife caught me cheating With her cousin. She totally overreacted and left the house.

She saw the extra Monopoly money I was passing her under the table.

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Three men go to a bar..

A man walks into a bar and has had a long day. "Give me a Jack and Coke." he says. The bartender reaches under the table and pulls out an apple. "What the hell is this?" The man says. "Just give it a try." says the bartender. The man takes a bite out of the apple and is dumbfounded. "Wow! this tast...

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Joke nsfw

A man was riding his dirt bike one day and has a wreck goes to the emergency room. The doctor says "you torn most of the muscles in your groin so we wanted to get your okay to try a new procedure to replace the muscles in your groin with muscles from an elephants trunk." So he gets the procedure and...

Three slabs of concrete walk into a bar

They sit down, order drinks and start bragging about how strong they are. As they're doing this a small bit of green tarmac walks in and they hide under the table as it orders its drink.

When it leaves they all get up and the barman asks them

"What's up with you guys? I thought all of ...

Why didn't Monica Lewinsky get a tax return in 1995?

Clinton was paying her under the table.

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A woman is going with her boyfriend to his parents' house...

...to meet and have dinner with them. This is a very important night, and she wants to make a good impression – she even made some bean pies for the occasion, the parents' favorite.

They get to the house, and are having dinner – so far everything is going just fine. Then…disaster strikes. Sh...

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

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A man goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged...

...The doc says, "Ok, how big do you want it to be?"

The man says, "Big as I can go."

The doc says, "Well ok, but sometimes these things don't work out well."

So the doctor performs the surgery, attaching a baby elephants trunk to the man. The man wakes up and is very pleased. "...

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Two guys are talking at a bar

Guy One: Another Shot
Guy Two: You look down, what's the problem?
Guy One: My girlfriend gave me a blowjob under the table while my parents were over.
Guy Two: Dude, that's awesome!
Guy One: The table was glass.

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A circus train derailed catastrophically (I hope this isn't a repost)...

...and many lives were lost, both animal and human. One clown who was on the train had his penis severed from his body, but luckily the surgeons were able to replace it with the trunk of a dead elephant.

Once fully recovered, the man went on a date. Everything was going smoothly until th...

A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

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My wife started charging people for blowjobs at fancy restaurants...

...because she wanted to make a little extra money under the table.

Ba^dum^tsssss^ssss

Two pieces of Black Tarmac are chatting in the pub.

One says to the other "I'm the hardest piece of tarmac in here I could take anyone on".
Just as he's saying this a Red piece of tarmac enters the pub.
The Black piece shuts up and hides under the table.
The other black piece of tarmac says "what's up with you" and he replies "I might be ...

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[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.

"I took her on a date last night," bragged the Orc.
"And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat!"

"Liar." Says the Elf.
"It's true! She loved it. Go ask her." Says the Orc.

So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit.
"Is it true that you went on a date with t...

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A joke my dad told me

So one day a man gets into a bad car crash and wakes up a week later in the hospital. The doctor says “I have some good news and some bad news, bad news is you lost your penis in the crash, the good news is there is an African doctor who can replace it with an elephant trunk, and seeing your situati...

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A young man visits his girlfriend`s family for the first time...

He is really nervous and is doing his best to make a good impression. Dinner is served and he takes care to keep his elbows tucked in and tries not to stuff his mouth as he usually does.

After a while, however, he feels the need to fart. At first he fights to keep it in, but eventually he s...

All alone

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord w...

An investigation was carried out by a foundry...

since somehow people were getting a hold of their new ingots before they started selling them publicly. They investigated the entire foundry and found out that the man in charge of working the furnace was selling the ingots illegally, under the table. This only proves that he who smelt it, dealt it....

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A man has an unfortunately sized penis...

And he doesn't have a lot of money. He goes to a doctor and says "Doc, please can you help me? My penis is so small, I don't know what to do!" The doctor says "Well yes, but the procedure is $10,000."
"Aw geez doc I could NEVER afford that!" he says defeated

The doctor replies "Well, if ...

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