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The Stage Jokes

The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Hillary and said,

"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little...

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"How much for a dance?" I asked the stripper on the stage.

"£20," she said.

I pulled out £50 and gave it to her.

"How come you're so generous?" she winked.

I said, "Just in case I break the pole."

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer is dribbling out of both sides of his mouth.

A televangelist at a mega-church down south was on stage, collecting money from the faithful and promising them he could help anyone.

A young man left the audience and came up on the stage and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. The televangelist starting chanting and took the young man by his shoulders and shook him. Then he cupped his hands over the young man's ears and said some more incantations and finally shoute...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

A man walks up to the stage at a stand up night and tells the crowd about his long history of squatting.

After a few seconds of silence, he says “Thank you, I’ll be here all night! Don’t tell the owners though.”

During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.



"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.

Silence.

After a moment he cleared his throat.

Nothing.

After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"

She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with on...

In a circus full of people the entertainer walks onto the stage

"Ladies and gentlemen! Up next is our brand new act. Welcome to the stage - the boy with a phenomenal memory".

Following the entertainers introduction, a boy comes out from behind the stage, starting to unzip his pants.

"Now the said boy is going to urinate on everyone in the front ro...

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

Good news, I'm finally going to get something I wrote produced for the stage.

I've lined up some great people to perform in it. The producer read the script, titled "I Pun, Therefore I Am,” and asked me if it was a musical.

Sadly, I told him no. It's just a play on words.

Two sound guys are getting the stage ready for a concert...

First sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one two..."

Other sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one too..."

Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild.

“Are you ready to hear some music??”
“YEAH!!!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”

Did you hear about the stage production called “Dictionary”?

It’s a play on words.

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife d...

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

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THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 suc...

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He got too close to The Edge.

A theater actor kept forgetting his lines, so he painted the script on the stage.

It was a play on words.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

A bear and a pony walked onto the stage at a convention...

And the pony went up to the microphone and said, "Bear with me, I'm a little horse."

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

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In the middle of a magic show, a chinese guy went to the stage and asked to the magician.

If you are a true magician, then do a magic that can give me someone's valuable thing in my pocket without knowing him. Magician agreed and did the magic.
Magician: So pal, did you get what you want in your pocket?
Guy: Yes.
Magician: Since it is not your property, you should return it to t...

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A wedding in Galway was rudely interrupted by the drunk uncle Patrick as he went up the stage and announced...

"The wedding is off. We're out of food. We're out of booze. And somebody fucked the bride."

The guests were in shock.

About 5 mins later, uncle Patrick got back on the stage and announced, "Sorry about that. The wedding is back on. Laura made us some sandwiches. Connor brought some wh...

The sound of a musician on the stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound of a pigeon on a stage doesn't. The reason is a coo sticks

What do you call the stage at a Polish strip club?

Empty. It only has a Pole.

A guy at a bar goes up onto the stage at an open mic night.

“I had a Russian friend once...

And a— *taps * Check, one, two.”

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

Samsung left the stage with one final note

It made social media blow up.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

Tickets for the Indiana State Philharmonic went up dramatically after they doubled the width of the stage.

You didn't think that the ISP would give out twice the band width for free did you?

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

You guys hear that Bono fell off the stage at the big U2 concert last night?

He got a little too close to the edge.

I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995.

When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"

Then my sister left.

What do you call the stage a ladybug goes through before it becomes an adult?

Pupa-ty. ^^**ba-dum* ^^*psh**

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?

A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!

A funeral was being held for a man, and someone went up to the widow and said...

"I would like to say a word."

The widow nodded, and the man went on stage and said, "Plethora."

He then left the stage.

The widow stopped him as he walked by and said, Thanks, that means a lot."

If there was an award for taking the fewest steps in a day..

I wouldn't get it because I wouldn't walk up to the stage to receive the award.

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