The Bill Jokes - 31 Hilarious The Bill Jokes

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

The 15-dollar bill

The local barber was showing the guys in his barber shop a novelty 15 dollar bill he had bought in a novelty store.

They were all laughing at how phony it looked, when one of the guys commented that his dumb brother was heading their way, and that he was dumb enough to think their bill was a ...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days an...

Did you hear about the Bill Gates Divorce?

Melinda kept the house and Bill kept all the windows.

A Homie who pays all the bills.

PayPal

What does an Aussie say when it’s time to pay the bill?

Checkmate!

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

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An infinite number of mathematicians enter an infinite bar

In this bar, a pint of beer costs one dollar

The first one asks for a pint of beer, then the second one asks for two pints of beer, then the third one asks for three pints of beer, and so it follows for every single mathematician there

When they're all done, the men ask for the bill an...

How do Australian chess players ask for the bill?

Check, mate

Send the Bill to my brother in law

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nun...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the thir...

I forgot to pay the bill for my exorsist

Now I've been re-possessed.

What did the Bartender say to Neutron when it asked for the bill?

For you NO CHARGE

What did one composer say to the other when the bill arrived?

Can you pay? I'm baroque.

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Why isn’t Santa allowed to handle the bills?

Because Mrs. Clause said she’d divorce him if she caught him blowing bucks again.

If you are having trouble unlocking your front door, take out your wallet and arrange all the bills in mathematical order.

Because organizing your finances is key.

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

Why did the bill collector go after the gymnast?

Because he had outstanding balance

Doctor gave me six months to live, but i couldn't pay the bills

gave me another six months

A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.

"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.

"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".

A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The...

The last time an exorcist came round I forgot to pay the bill

I got repossessed

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A drunk man sitting at a bar starts to dry heave (long)

The bar patrons instinctively moved away from him, and sure enough, he vomits all over the bar and himself. The man immediately starts sobbing loudly.

The bartender approaches slowly to address the mess. He says to the man "Hey, man. Don't worry about it. You're not the first guy to throw up ...

You ever go on a date and look at the bill and just think...

Man, if I was single this would be half off...

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