North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

"Meatloaf" is the best safe word.

Because I would do anything for love, but I won't do THAT!!!

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

I have a girlfriend with a lazy eye. She's the best.

Whenever I make a mistake she always looks the other way.

I asked my dad how he felt about having the best son in the world

He told me to ask my grandpa.

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

One of the best things you can do for your mental health is to stare at dried pieces of fruit.

It's fantastic for raisin awareness.

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

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I had a friend who was the best ever at putting worms on fishing hooks. We called him

Jack off joe, because he would also jack off all the time

Where's the best place to buy a rain forest?

Amazon

My wife and I was arguing about which personal pronoun was the best.

I won.

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

A pastor, a nun, and a blind man were talking about the best position to pray in

The pastor says, "I think the proper way to pray is on your knees with your hands together and your head bowed."

The nun says "That's a good one brother Tim but I think we should pray with our eyes wide open looking up into the sky like a child would speak to their father."

The blind ...

I told my doctor "yoga is the best antidepressant available"

"Sounds like a bit of a stretch", he replied

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

Why is The Salvation Army the best known charity?

The others just don't ring a bell.

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

It doesn't matter where you drop her off in the morning....

Which computer sings the best?

A dell

What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

A year ago, the Jacksonville Jaguars thought that they found the best coach for their team.

Turns out that was an Urban myth.

What’s the best brand of computer for playing pop music?

A Dell

I think my ceiling looks pretty nice. It's certainly not the best, but

it's up there

The best part about working in a morgue

Remains to be seen.

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The best knock knock joke EVER

Knock knock.

Who‘s there?

Poop. .

Poop who?



Ha ha ! you said poo poo!



My daughter made that up.
I am so proud!

Three brothers are arguing over who got their mom the best Mother's Day present

The first brother says "I got mom the best gift! I bought her a brand new house! It's so huge, its practically a mansion!"

The second brother says "No, I got mom the best mother's day gift! I bought her a brand new luxury car and I even hired her a chauffeur to drive her around! She just has ...

What is the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus...

There was a competition for the best wordplay joke

Hundreds of entries were sent in, but only 10 made it to the final round. However, none of them won.

No pun in ten did.

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The best spot to Masturbate without getting caught

is behind the Kitchen Door.


Or have you ever been caught masturbating behind it? No? There you go.

What Marvel Superhero is the best at HTML?

Spiderman.

I think the doctor who amputated my legs is the best doctor in the world,

but I admit I'm partial.

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Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

---

---

But if you fuck it youre going to jail

What’s the best part about being an orphan?

Every bag of chips is family sized

I wouldn't say my house has the best ceiling in the world.

But it's definitely up there!

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Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."
Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything in...

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

The Best Gorilla Joke of 1897

Gorilla: Did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo?


Zookeeper: No, I did not.


Gorilla: That's because I am a quiet gorilla.


[Muffled sounds of gorilla violence]

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?

With a Pitchfork!

Whats the best health insurance in America?

Go Fund Me

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They say make up sex is the best

Which is lucky, because all of my sex is made up.

Medusa is the best drug dealer

One look and I'm stoned

What is the best name for a female master thief?

Miss Take

6:30 is the best time on a clock...

...hands down.

Do you know the best way to roast brussel sprouts?

Tell them their mom was so fat she was sold as a cabbage

whats the best part about fingering a gypsy?

you get your palms red for free

China has the best baseball team.

They took out the whole world with one bat.

Countries around the world are having a competition to find out which currency is the best

Brazilian trying to keep it real, Russian is in ruble, and South Korean won.

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The best bakers use real butter so . . . .

. . .
there is no margarine for error.

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

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Vampires make the best partners

They always ask before cumming inside

What’s the best way to kill German aristocrats?

Von by Von

If you have bad credit, a trigonometrist is the best friend to have.

He can cosine for you.

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The best palindrome i've ever come across is ...

The best palindrome i've ever come across is tit and boob

What's the best thing about being Joe Biden?

Waking up every day and learning that you're the president.

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

You know the best thing about pirates orgies?

You can come as you are, and you can arrr as you cum.

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

What's the best gift to get a "woke" person...?



Sleeping pills...

In animal college, where's the best place to make memories?

The hippocampus.

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

The best way to a man's heart is through the stomach

And up past the ribcage.

When is the best time to eat chocolate and marshmallows?

In the s'morning.

Whats the best thing about having dementia?

There are new jokes on this subs all the time

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

What fruit has the best aim?

A bownana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the best sex of my life while camping.

It was fucking in tents

What is the best herb to give your lover?

A BAE leaf

What days do Canadian stoners like the best?

I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag

So I poke the Mrs and say "Put the kettle on fatty".

The optimist: This is the best of all possible worlds!

The pessimist: You are right!

Why do Ska Bands make the best Door Dash drivers?

Because if you order food they'll *pick it up, pick it up, pick it up*.

What's the best part of being a hitman salesman?

Their target audience never complains.

The best pizza joke ever

Actually never mind it's too cheesy... That's the biggest problem with pizza jokes, it's all about the delivery…

Why does spiderman always have the best comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability!

Dating a religious girl is the best

I cheat, she finds out.
Then we go and pray. And **BLAME THE DEVIL FOR IT.**

My sister always said the best way to a mans heart is through his stomach.

Great lady.

Terrible surgeon.

What’s the best knock knock joke?

Two men walked into a bar.

What vegetable is the best singer?

Corn, because it's always in hominy.

What is the best country for overweight people?

Bulge-area

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They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

Where’s the best place to find a man with no arms and no legs?

Where you left him

What is the best Three-Piece Swimsiut?

Hat, sunglasses and slippers

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

Some people say I roll the best joints in the world

It's a doobious honour.

What's the best way to keep smelling fresh?

Put a dryer sheet in your face mask.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

The best thing about being addicted to drinking brake fluid?

\- You can stop whenever you want.

The best place for a spy to go undiscovered is on a satellite

Because in space, no one can hear you scheme.

What’s the best part of a dead baby joke?

They never get old

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Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?

Because he's the headmaster.

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Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.


Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.


Edit 2 electric bugaloo: You all wanted to know what the original punchline was, so it was "they're the best at fucking the next generation"

Panties are not the best thing in the world

But they're close to it

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

What is the best and worst thing you can tell your doctor during a check up?

Be positive.

Who is the best Kung fu vegetable?

Brocc Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?

Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.

A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: “And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.

The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure”

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

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When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

Who's the best businesswoman in the bible?

Pharoah's daughter; she went to the Nile bank and drew a little prophet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best sex position is called WOW

That's when I flip your MOM over.

From 2004-2015, Chelsea FC had the best goalkeeper in the world

On second thought, Petr Cech that one

North Korea has declared a 'cultural war' on K-pop coming in from the South. They decided the best way to counter this would be to creat their own genre of music.

They have named it K-Boom.

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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Gopal Bhaar and the best feeling

Gopal bhaar was a witty man, called on a lot by the king.
On a hot summers day, the Maharaja calls on his trusted advisors and ask them what the best feeling in the world is.

A lot of feelings go into the pool, happiness, orgasms, seeing your child being born, and so on.

When it co...

Anyone know the best thing about the invention of e-mail?

People stopped judging me so much for being an anti-faxxer

Community is the best sitcom

Chang my mind

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Which is the best vaccum cleaner?

The one that sucks the most..

What body part makes the best student?

The eye, because it’s a good pupil!

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Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on. From Todays GCFL

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Eve...

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best thing to say to a dying person?

Get a fucking life.

Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best

I won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After making love, a guy rolls over and says "That's the best sex I've ever had!"

Then he notices a picture of a man on the nightstand. Worried, he asks "Is that your husband"?

"No silly" she replied, as she snuggled into him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked

"Nope", she replied.

"Then who?" he asked?

"That's me before surgery" she replies.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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