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The Best Jokes

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

What is the best “safe word”?

Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

Zelensky is the best comedian

He turned the whole Russia into joke

Why is Juneteenth (June 19th) the best day to have the Neighborhood BarBQ?

Because everyone is free that day!

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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What's the best time for sex?

8:54 because it's 6 to 9.

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.

Because it's made of hide

What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

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The best chicken joke ever!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.


The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.


The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.

The results were staggering!

What's the best part about being 111 years old?

There's no peer pressure.

What’s the best job for someone with a humiliation kink?

Customer service.

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

What type of joke is the best joke?

A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

What do you call the best Runescape player in the world?

The 'Scape GOAT

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

The Best Son.

Three brothers are waiting for their mother at the airport. One says I'm the best son because I got her a new car! The second one says I'm the best son because I got her a new TV!. The third one says I'm the best son because she's lonely so I got her a parrot to talk to.

The mother gets off...

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

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Everybody Knows Dave, The best joke on my cake day

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

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Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!"...

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The best thing about having a penis...

is sharing it with people who don't.

"The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach."

The surgeon was fired later that day.

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Americans are the best at solving Rubik’s Cube

They have a long history of sorting and separating colours

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

What's the best dating service in India?

Connect the dots.

(I'll see my self out.)

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

Why do females make the best archaeologists?

Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

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The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

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The best pickup line to get pussy.

Pspspspspspspspspsp

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine'...

...clearly never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

What's the best thing about corn?

It's the only food that if you really wanted to you could eat twice

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

What’s the best name for a sheep?

Baaahby

What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?

The second hour is free.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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What is the best way to piss off a Redditor?

[removed]

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

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Three guys are talking about the best bars ever.

First guys says, I know a bar where you order a drink and the next one's free.
Second guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and next two are free.
Third guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and they take you out back and fuck your brains out. One guy asks, Where is this ba...

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They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

did you know cyan is the best colour?

it's cyantifically proven.

Did you hear the Supreme Court just struck down a law declaring ketchup to be the best condiment?

They say it doesn’t pass mustard.

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What's the best part about dating a black girl?

You don't have to meet her father.

Dad jokes are the best

Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant.

Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad

Wife: No you're not.

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What’s the best way to see aliens having sex?

Go on Porn Hubble

I was just looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world...

But it's definitely up there.

I just saw the best skydiver ever

Even though he was the last to jump, he was the first to hit the ground!

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer

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They say make up sex is the best...

Good thing, because all the sex I have is made up.

How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?

You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.

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The best thing about Japanese porn

is they censor it so I can watch it with my family

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The best rule for productivity.

Since 2 yrs of my life I am following the 20-20-20 rule. Which is best for productivity and peace of mind.

I find it more calming then ever. Also I have gained lot of confidence in myself when fighting in this wild jungle I call life.

Even you can apply this to your life and get bette...

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What's the best thing about farm sex?

Well, it's a stable relationship.

Who grows the best weed in the world?

Saudi Arabia, smoke it once and get stoned twice

What's the best time to change a diaper?

In the wee hours of the morning.

I found the best Chili has 239 ingredients

But no more, because that would be too farty

What’s the best part of a Netflix original?

The second half of this joke has been canceled by netflix

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

Who makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who?

Martin, luthier king.

Which letter in the alphabet is the best?

The E, because all of the other letters are Not E (Naughty).

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

What’s the best way to clean a dolphin?

Use a multi-porpoise cleaner…..

I’ll see myself out

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

The Best Medicine

A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"

The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"

"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked...

Where's the best place to hunt deer using dynamite?

Just trying to get the most buck for the bang

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

You know the best thing about pirates orgies?

You can come as you are, and you can arrr as you cum.

What's the best country in the world?

The USA

What is the best power tool to love?

A Sawzall. Because it will reciprocate.

So I went into the pharmacy this morning and asked the assistant what the best thing would be for killing germs...

he said Ammonia Cleaner, so I apologized, as I thought he worked there.

Which god is the best?

Baphomet. He's the GOAT.

What is the best thing about getting COVID?

Your farts don't smell anymore.

what birds make the best pirates?

robins!!!

Why does China have the best baseball team?

Because they took out the whole world with one bat

What's the best thing about being Joe Biden?

Waking up every day and learning that you're the president.

What's the best part of BJ?

Two Minutes of Silence.

What is the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by Whittle!

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this prostitute gives the best handjobs in town... (NSFW)

and this guy hears about her and goes to her asking "so you really give the best hanjobs in town?" the girl goes "see that mcdonalds? i've used the money i got from giving handjobs to buy that mcdonalds" so the guy is convinced and asks for a handjob, gives her 50 bucks, and it's the best handjob he...

When is the best time to buy a house?

20 years ago.

What birds make the best accountants?

Flamingos. They're real good at balancing.

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My wife told me vacation sex was the best...

Worst postcard ever.

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