UPJOKE
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Ruine Jokes

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

Best way to ruine a friendship ?

Ask her out.

They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race...

A nun ruined her uniform and asked her tailor for a replacement.

Nearly 3 weeks later she angrily calls him asking what’s taking so long. “I don’t know why you’re upset.” - He coolly replies. “It takes at least 21 days to form a new habit.”

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ruined day.

I saw a hot girl in class today.

I kept thinking dont get a boner then she did and my day was ruined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AdBlock ruined my sex life

There are no more hot singles near me

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

What is 6.9?

A good thing ruined by a period.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit should add separate NSFW tags for gore and porn

I'm so tired of my boners being ruined by these hot ladies.

What is it called when you restore a ruined old ship?

Deckromancy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex ruined our friendship.

I wish my buddy hadn't walked in on me and his wife.

Just ruined my laptop

Accidentally poured alcohol on it and all the drivers started crashing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was ruined because too many people started doing it?

Sex with my girlfriend.

Ruined My Day

My Friday is ruined!"
"Why, what happened?"
"I realized today is Tuesday."

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

The internet ruined me

Thanks to the internet, I can no longer use the phrase lollygag in casual conversation.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Homosexuals have ruined threesomes for me.

Every time I have one, both of the other dudes turn out to be gay.

My life was ruined by my obsession with video games.

Fortunately, I had another two lives.

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

One moment everything's fine, the next you've ruined everything.

You're like a boolean china shop.

I'll never forget what that priest did to me that ruined my life forever

He said "I now pronounce you man and wife"

I used to have a great joke about baking, and then I ruined it

I should never have left that pun in the oven.

How do you know your comment ruined someones joke?

\[deleted\]

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS BITCH OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

A semi truck full of Ramen noodle caught fire today and the whole shipment was considered ruined

The total loss came out to be $73

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