UPJOKE
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Paraphrased Jokes

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Cooper Clarke's hairdresser joke, slightly paraphrased.

A man is at the hairdresser and makes conversation.

The hairdresser asks him "You going anywhere for your holidays?"

The man says, "Me and my wife are going to Rome".

"Why do you want to go to Rome?"

"I love Italian food".

"Well, it's all fish and chip shops in Rom...

Paraphrased Russian joke about jokes

Tell a German a joke and he won't get it.

Tell an Englishman a joke and he'll get it, but he won't laugh.

Tell an American a joke and he won't get it, but he'll laugh anyway.

Tell a Russian a joke and he'll say:

"I already heard that one."

The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

Glass houses

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones..... or mastubate in daytime.

Paraphrased from Bo Burnham. Credit where it's due.

Senator Bernie Sanders during his 2016 campaign run was the subject of a lawsuit by Libertarian Gary Johnson's campaign.

The subject of the lawsuit was an accusation of plagiarism. the Johnson campaign alleged that Senator Sander's slogan of "Feel the Bern" was paraphrased from Johnson's own campaign slogan "Feel the Johnson".

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

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A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

A man is on his dying bed, and wishes to confess something to his wife...

He says "my love, I must tell you something I've been holding in a long time..."

"Shhhh, it's okay, my love, you need to rest."

"But I have to tell you, I cannot hold it in any longer"

"It's okay, my love", she said, "you will soon be at peace and it does not matter....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite Richard Pryor joke

(paraphrased) Two black guys are argueing about who has the biggest cock. They agree to go into the woods (for privacy) so that they can whip them out and compare. On the way there, they have to cross a bridge and they both decide that they need to pee. They take opposite sides of the bridge and ...

On a mission from my grandma and I need your help!

This is not a joke, but a request.

My grandma asked me to come up with a joke for her, for a speech she's giving to her charity foundation. The joke has to involve an old woman, and raising money/charity donations. Here's the example she gave me (slightly paraphrased from when she told it t...

A joke I heard on a Townes Van Zandt album. I guess maybe NSFW?

Paraphrased a bit. I doubt Mr. Van Zandt would mind, and god knows who he heard it.
A cop is out walking the streets in a little town one night when he comes across a drunk man. The drunk is stumbling around the sidewalk back and forth like he's looking for something.
Cop asks
"What're yo...

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