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One Hand Jokes

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the secondhand shop

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Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

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Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other one!

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On the one hand, masturbation is ok

But on the other hand, it's great!

The other day I saw a one hand man in a second hand store...

I went up to him and told him that I don't believe they have what you're looking for.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

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Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

I broke all my fingers on one hand..

On the other hand, I'm fine.

How do one handed people make decisions?

Well, on the one hand...

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On one hand, I want to stop masturbating

but on the other hand, I have my penis...

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a do...

A man cuts off two fingers on one hand in a work accident

“Will I still be able to write with it?” He asks the doctor.

The doctor says, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it”

A man with one hand walks into a thrift shop

He approaches and greets the cashier, and asks if he can make an appointment.

The cashier says "sir, this is a thrift shop"

He looks at her confused for a moment, but then realises his mistake.

"Oh, my apologies, I was told this was a second hand shop"

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Same sound as a G.I. Jane joke apparently

How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?

You can't, there are no elephants with one hand

A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand

The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

What do you call a woman who has a duster in one hand, a brush in the other, a shovel on one foot and a spade on the other foot

A Swiss army wife.

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Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.

One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.

Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like t...

I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand

To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

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(sorry if this is a repost) what is the sound of one hand clapping? Masturbating

Sorry if theres a issue with this joke it is my first post on this subreddit

On the one hand, we have different fingers.

But on the other hand, they’re pretty much the same.

Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

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I cant decide my views on masturbation. On one hand, it feels good

On the other hand it feels even better

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same...

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How do I feel about people hoarding toilet paper? Well on the the one hand

I have shit because I couldn’t buy toilet paper

Bending with one hand..

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degr...

People always freak out when I show them I have 6 fingers in one hand

I'm starting to think it's because they're not mine.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

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On one hand you could find a girlfriend and someone to love

On the other hand there’s masturbation

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(nsfw) Why should you only ever have sex with hookers with one hand?

It's the only sure way not to get the clap.

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If Johnny has 3 watermelons in one hand and 7 in the other, what would he have?

Big fucking hands

What do you call Gaffer with one hand?

A Light-y

What do you call a Grip with one hand?

An Evening Alone.

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

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A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.

"A year," God replied.

Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.

"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.

God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."

On the one hand, joking about Trump catching COVID is in bad taste...

On the other hand, taste isn’t something he has to worry about now.

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women

and second among men.

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
...

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

If someone throws a net on you, on one hand you can't move, but on the other hand, you get a free net.

On the whole, I think it's a net gain.

On the one hand, I really like petting alligators...

^^^^^there ^^^^^is ^^^^^nothing ^^^^^here.

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Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ...

In the other hand, however.

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