Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

To get to the secondhand shop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

If you have a green ball in one hand…

And another green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

Complete control over Kermit the frog.

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other one!

A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand

The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(sorry if this is a repost) what is the sound of one hand clapping? Masturbating

Sorry if theres a issue with this joke it is my first post on this subreddit

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

How do one handed people make decisions?

Well, on the one hand...

People always freak out when I show them I have 6 fingers in one hand

I'm starting to think it's because they're not mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ...

In the other hand, however.

I broke all my fingers on one hand..

On the other hand, I'm fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand

To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I feel about people hoarding toilet paper? Well on the the one hand

I have shit because I couldn’t buy toilet paper

I have 6 bottles in one hand and 5 bottles In the other. what do i have?

A drinking problem

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(nsfw) Why should you only ever have sex with hookers with one hand?

It's the only sure way not to get the clap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I cant decide my views on masturbation. On one hand, it feels good

On the other hand it feels even better

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Johnny has 3 watermelons in one hand and 7 in the other, what would he have?

Big fucking hands

If you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other, what have you got?

A bloody big moth!

One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.

"A year," God replied.

Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.

"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.

God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."

For Redditors thinking about getting married soon—consider this very carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring..

On the other hand, you don’t.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

After watching the first episodes of HBO's Chernobyl, as a resident of Pripyat, I can count on one hand all of the inconsistencies I have noticed.

So far, there are 27.

A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

How do you pick up an elephant with one hand?

You can't, there are no elephants with one hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On one hand you could find a girlfriend and someone to love

On the other hand there’s masturbation

On the one hand, joking about Trump catching COVID is in bad taste...

On the other hand, taste isn’t something he has to worry about now.

On the one hand, we have different fingers.

But on the other hand, they’re pretty much the same.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who were the authors for the paper - Juggling 3 Plutonium balls with one hand?

Notta, Guud, Ideya et al.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.

One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.

Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like t...

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

The Native American says to the bartender, "Me want beer!"

The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Native American a tall glass of beer. The Native American drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the one hand, I should be more focused on my job as a shark feeder at SeaWorld.

On the other h... FUCK!

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A friend and I wanted to get a hooker, but we could only afford one hand job so we had to flip a coin...

Luckily I won the toss...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a lady with a gallon of water in one hand and some chik fil a in the other

and I thought to myself:

"Now there's a thirsty girl who wants some cock"

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women

and second among men.

My friend thought I was lazy because I could count on one hand how much I moved today...

They didn't know I was wearing a FitBit

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

July 4th PSA: On one hand fireworks are a lot of fun.

On the other hand I only have 2 fingers.

What do you call Gaffer with one hand?

A Light-y

What do you call a Grip with one hand?

An Evening Alone.

Bending with one hand..

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.