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Old People Jokes

Why are there so many old people in Church?

They're cramming for the final

Two old people playing golf

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.



"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."



"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"...

You know what old people smell like?

Depends!

To the young people on Reddit, have some respect for old people wearing glasses.

They..paid money to see you.

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Old people and Drs

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick',...

There were two old people in a care home...

There were two old people in a care home, a man and a woman. Every evening, they'd sit down next to each other to watch the telly. They weren't married or anything, they just sat down and watched the telly, while the old gal gave the old man a handjob.

They'd been doing this every day for yea...

Why do old people read the bible so much?

They’re cramming for their finals

I hate seeing old people.

and then realizing that I went to school with them.

What do you call a group of old people dressing up and play fighting in the woods?

LAARPing

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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.


The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and ...

flasher in an old people's home.

A flasher goes into an old people's home and goes upto an old lady , pulls his jacket open and shouts "superdick ".
The old lady says "what was that, I can't hear you ".
A little bit louder the flasher again shouts "superdick ".
Again the old lady says "speak up".
Finally the flasher sho...

Why do old people like golf?

Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

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Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he ...

How are old people in Socialist republics similar?

They have a tendency to collapse

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Why do old people always say 'Well, there's no place like home'

yet, when you put them in one.....

What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play?

GET OFF MY LAN!

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An old man seems very happy at the old people's home...

..his daughter asks him how its all going. He replies "Fine"
"Are you sleeping ok?" she enquires.
"Oh yes," he replies, " very well - every evening they give me a cup of warm cocoa and a viagra... I sleep as sound as anything!"
The daughter thinks this is a little odd but decides not to com...

I saw a bunch of old people protesting outside of Chick-fil-A...

They were raising canes.

What do you say to old people in Australia as a comeback?

ƃuɐɹǝɯooq 'ʞO

What do swimming pools and old people have in common?

Deep ends

Why do old people print so slowly?

They can't Ctrl P

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?

Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

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Why does old people porn always seem believable?

Because baby boomers are actually delivering pizzas in retirement.

Why are there so many old people in office?

Because politics is a booming business.

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

At The Old Peoples Home

A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family. They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left. A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight. A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again. T...

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Old people having sex.

There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."

I know a lot of old people jokes

However they all seem to die out.

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Old people love

My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

Old people always poke me at weddings and say: “you’re next”

So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals

What kid of music do old people listen to?

Hip-Pop

I like to play chess with old people in the park.

Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish?

A couple of weeks.





(Source: h3h3 comments)

When you gas an old people's home .....

Silence of the nans

What’s blue and f*cks old people?

Hypothermia.

my friend thought of a name for a dating app for old people

I've fallen for you and I cant get up

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What do old people and shoplifters have in common?

They both leave stores with more shit in their pants than they came in with.

A tour bus driver and old people joke.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he greatfully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of p...

Two old people...

Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."

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Old People

There was this group of "couple friends" who met regularly and over the years they turned into old people. For years and years they would get together regularly. It was the standard old people get together. The women would gather in the kitchen and talk and the men would sit around in the living ...

What is the best contraceptive for old people?

Nudity

Old People And Nastiness

A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back.

"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until i...

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

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Why old people don't have sex?

Have you ever tried pulling a grilled cheese apart?

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They're coming out with a Dragon Ball Z for old people.

It's called Draggin' Balls Z

I don't know why old people drive so slowly..

If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!

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Don't mess with old people.

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the mana...

What do old people do with their cars when they are to old to drive them?

They tow them behind their motor home.

How many old people does it take to change a light bulb?

None...they don't like change

Two old people walk into a hospital...

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES...

What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?

"Carbon-Dating"

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What's the difference between a bus stop filled with old people and a crab with boobs?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

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2 old people sitting on a bench one turns to the other and says my butt fell asleep the other says

yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

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A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asks

“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s p...

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