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Missionary Position Jokes

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My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation

2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on

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Why do most men like the missionary position for sex..?

...most men hate fucking up...

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Why is it called the missionary position?

Because you can deliver the semen on the mount!

How does a Dolphin get his lady into missionary position?

Flipper

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What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the missionary position to doggy style?

A sexual revolution.

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[NSFW] Sailor Smitty has retired after a long life at sea, and decides to go to college.

One of the first classes he takes is “Human Sexuality 101.” Why not?

On the first day of class the professor says “We will be discussing a variety of human sexual combinations and experiences. There are a great many… “

Sailor Smitty shouts “104!”

The professor says “That...

A young man becomes a born again Christian after reading a religious flyer at his college.

He doesn’t initially tell his girlfriend, justifying the embarrassment as natural to any young infant in the faith. But in the following weeks his commitment escalates dramatically, and he takes up a position as a Christian missionary to Uganda.
One day the dreaded phone call wakes him up. Ob...

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3 guys talking at the bar about sex with their girlfriends.

Guy 1 "my girl loves it doggy style."

Guy 2 "well my old lady loves to do it 69 style."

They look at the 3rd guy. Guy 1 asks "why so quiet?"

Guy 3 seems reluctant and they encourage him.

Guy 2 "hey we told you about our girls so spill the beans"

Guy 3 "well if I ...

Blonde, brunette, and redhead in an OBGYN office...

The brunette says her kid will be a priest, because she likes missionary position.

The redhead says her kid will be a construction worker, because she likes it piledriver style.

The blonde bursts into tears, and cries "Oh no, I'm having puppies!"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Bet...

So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church

I really hope I get the missionary position

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Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?

She wanted a high paying missionary position.

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Why did the church hire a prostitute?

Her résumé said "missionary position"

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Three women went to see the OB/GYN

The Brunette came out and said, "We had sex in the missionary position, and we're going to have a boy!"

The Redhead came out and said, "We had sex in the cowgirl position, and we're having a girl!"

The Blonde started sobbing as she stood to go in. Between sobs, she said, "Oh no! We'r...

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This is the sickest train joke I know. Be warned.

Bruce was meant to meet his friend in a bar at midday.
12:30pm, 1pm, then 1:30pm rolls around. Just as Bruce was about to give up, his friend finally strolls in with dishevelled hair and a smug grin, "Sorry I'm late mate, you won't believe what happened to me just then..."
"What?"
"Well, I...

My best joke in 40 year of joke telling

A woman goes to her doctor for a check up. During the post check up consult the doctor says
“Mrs. Jones you are in very good health but, I couldn’t help but notice the abrasions on your elbows and knees. Can you tell me what is causing them?

Sheepishly she responds “Maybe it is because I...

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So a guy meets a woman at a bar..

Things are going well for the two of them, so the guy says "let's go back to my place. It's only a block away." The woman agrees, and as they're about to leave, the guy says, "I just want you to know, I want to do something a little..kinky." The woman agrees again, and up to his place they go. Thing...

Rodeo Position

Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say’s “I miss my missus, but when we make love it’s always the same”. Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks “how’s that?” “We alway...

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Three married guys are bragging about how good they are in the sack

The first one goes: "First I rub my wife's whole body with massage oils for a good half hour then I lick her toes. She's usually pretty excited at that point. Then I come down on her for a long time until she begs for me to give her the d. I fuck her very slowly to build up her impatience and after ...

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

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Jewish jokes

(Just a few of my favorites)

A man is getting ready to get married to a very Orthodox wife, and he goes to her rabbi for help. He's recently converted and very unfamiliar with Jewish weddings.
"Rabbi, for the wedding, do I sit with my wife?"
"No, the men sit with the men and the women ...

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