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Messing Jokes

I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark......

....no pun in ten has.

My buddy said I need to "get out more, stop messing around with computers and find a woman", but little does he know, I'm about to date a really hot ~20 year old server.

It's a Generation 6 Dell PowerEdge 1650 that I had to turn off because it burnt my rug and my best estimate is that it was made circa 2002.

My neighbor tried to blame me for messing up his drive way

But it was his own silly Asphalt

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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Try to avoid messing with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

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My masturbation addiction and lycanthropy are really messing up my sleep.

I'm up all night tossing and turning.

I have been secretly messing with people's spice racks...

You might not know it, but your thyme is cumin.

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

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Messing with the Taxman...

THE TAX MAN CALLS.
The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax office.

The taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his accountant.

The taxman said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying...

I know my brother has been messing with my spices...

He thinks I didn't notice since I'm blind,

\-

But I know it, my thyme is cumin, I can feel it.

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A man was walking along a street, and happened to notice a sex shop.

'We have something for everyone!', the sign read.

His curiosity piqued, he walked in. The shopkeeper greeted the man, and offered a variety of toys. The man said, 'I am married, but you know, we don't really do it frequently'.

The shopkeeper said, 'I have just the thing for you.'
...

I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight.

The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now....

A woman was nervous about messing up during her wedding ceremony

She spoke with the preacher who offered her assurance.
"Just remember 3 things and you will be fine" he said.
"Number 1, walk down the aisle. Number 2, stand in front of the alter. Number 3, step forward to me after the hymn."
The preacher then assured her that he would guide her through ...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

what's worse than messing up a puchline to a joke

To get to the other side!!!

Messing with FedEx

So, for work, I have schedule FedEx pickups a lot. Recently I decided to have some fun with it. When I fill out the form, I put a strange name in the contact info. I'm just going to go until they notice.

Day One: Lord Farquaad
Day Two: Princess Humperdink

So far nothing.

An...

What do you tell a Hockey player messing up with you...

... Stop pucking around

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

A man goes to a movie theater

Just as the movie starts, a guy with a shaved head sits right in front of him and the theater lights reflect off the bald man's head. The man behind can't watch the movie at all. He thinks to himself, "I should smack him on the back of his head," but then hesitates, thinking, "That guy is huge... he...

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

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A guy walks into a bar with his monkey...

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, eating food from people's tables devouring everything until a moment that he eats a pool ball.

The bartender said to the monkey's owner...

Triplets

I was in a band in college and we sucked, but it was a fun hang so we just liked chilling and playing pop music without worrying about being technically proficient as we were all beginners to our instruments.


Of the three of us, I was the most experienced, as I’d been playing bass for...

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

A young woman works alone for the first time late in the evening in a tall building, and her office phone rings unexpectedly.

She doesn't recognize the number but answers, thinking it may be her boss. Instead, a creepy sounding man speaks just two short sentences.

"I'm the viper. I'll be up soon."

He ends the call before she can respond. She shrugs and figures it's just kids messing around. A few minutes late...

My son was eating his boiled egg for breakfast, when he said “dad, I think this egg is out of date.”

I said “stop messing about, just eat it.”

He said “but Dad it’s really really out of date.”

I said “I don’t care, just eat the damn thing!”

He said “Okay dad, but do I have to eat the beak and feet too?”

Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

I drank a little too much at the bar last night, so I walked home...

Stumbled, actually. I was messing around with the keys and couldn't open the front door. After a few minutes a cop rolled up, got out of the car and asked if I was OK. "Yes, officer, just a little drunk, and trying to get into my house here" The officer asked if I was sure this was my house. "Of cou...

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A young cowboy goes off to college.

Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

“Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How...

A man gets a phone call from the hospital...

He finds out his wife has been in a bad car accident and is in critical condition. So he immediately stops what he's doing and rushes to the hospital as fast as he can.

When he gets to the waiting room, he frantically asks the doctor, "Where is my wife? Is she okay? What happened?"

The...

i was in a 3 person band called "Three-play"

It was named "Four-play", but we had to get rid of the keyboard player. He kept messing up the intro by trying to enter too early.

A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, sa...

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with

That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

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Three boys

There were three boys who went to school. Ziphanous, Richard and Phenoys. Ziphanous is not an easy name to say so he was nicknamed Zip, Phenoys, was equally as confusing so was known as simply P. Richard didn’t like his name and was called the usual nickname for Richard, Dick.

The boys had a ...

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Nurse doing rounds at an insane asylum

A nurse is doing her rounds at an insane asylum. She passes room one and sees a man talking to the wall. "what are you doing in here John?" the nurse asks. "I'm yelling at the manager for messing up my order!"


She continues to the second room and sees Terry walking around the room holdi...

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Irish Whiskey

A man walked into a pub, took a seat, and when the barmaid asked him what he wanted he replied, "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat between your luscious breasts".
"You bloody degenerate!", the barmaid shouted, "Get out before I fetch my husband!"

The man apologize...

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