Mangled Jokes - 56 Hilarious Mangled Jokes

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

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Jonathan died in a violent car crash and his body was horribly mangled

Because of this, the police were having a hard time confirming his identity. So they brought in Jonathan's two best friends friends, Cletus and Buba to help identify Jonathan.

They bring Cletus into the mortuary to view the body, Cletus carefully studies it and says "Well it could be Jona...

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
Bride: "You mean Polio?"
Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
Bride: "You me...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

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On the wedding night...

A man is about to be wed in the next day and is bicycling. He slips and his junk is mangled...utterly mangled...by the bicycle fall. He goes to the doctor and says "Am I going to be alright to consummate the wedding tomorrow night?"
The doctor shakes his head sadly and says "the only way we can f...

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky f...

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

Three men approach a wishing well one after another

The first, wishes to have one million bucks. Instantly, he is now in ownership of one million wild deer. He sets up a venison business and makes millions

The second wishes for his ex-wife to fall for him again. She instantly trips while thinking about him, and on the way to the hospital, he m...

A vulture walked into an airplane,

dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak. The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks “Wouldn’t you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?”
And the vulture said “No thanks. It’s carrion.”

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

A man loses his manhood...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 fo...

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Off to the Crusades! (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants sleep with his wife in his absence. Yet this is...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are trapped in the woods. Finally, the trio realize they are lost and decide to hunker down and make camp. They're hungry and decide to hunt.

The brunette goes first and comes back with a rabbit. The blonde and redhead are impressed.

"How'd you do that?" they ask.

"Simple," replies the brunette. "Found tracks, followed tracks, got a rabbit."

It's the redhead's turn next, and she ventures out and comes back with a moos...

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

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Robotic Arm

A man's (lets call him John) arm is mangled in an accident and needs to have it amputated.

The doctors fit John with a new high tech robotic arm that is voice activated. The doctor has John run through some tests by placing a pen on the table on front of him and having him tell the arm to ...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *...

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“This is good!”

Once there was a king. His best friend was a commoner, a man who was the son of one of the royal housekeepers. They were of an age, and had grown up playing together in the palace gardens.

As they grew older, the king found himself more and more impressed with his friend’s ability to always ...

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Three men die and are waiting to enter heaven

St. Peter approaches the group and says, "Well, Heaven is a little backed up right now, and only one of you can get in at the moment. I don't have my sheet with me, so you'll have to tell me how you died. Whichever one of you died the most painful death can get in first." St. Peter approaches the fi...

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A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

Three men go on a hunting trip in the woods...

They gather around the fire at dusk. They eat and drink and tell stories. Then slowly the fire goes down, and they finish their drinks. The men have no more stories to tell, and boredom starts to take over.

"ENOUGH!" Says the first man, standing up. "We should do something! I bet the two of ...

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An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the m...

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A man pays 25 dollars for a lady of the night…

They go to a motel room and the man starts to undress. First he peels of his socks.
“What’s wrong with your toes” the prostitute asks after seeing his mangled, disgusting feet.
“When I was a kid I got toelio”
“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, toelio”
The man continues to undress and then t...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 keeps mangled corpses in a box in his garage

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

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A king is about to go on a journey...

...and he gathers his knights. He informs them that he is leaving seven men to guard his queen. He tells these seven knights Ive given my queen a chastity belt. When I return the man who didnt try to sleep with her will be my trusted general and advisor. Upon the kings return he gathers the seven an...

It was Tracy's first day at the aviary

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and ...

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

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An American walks into a pub in Ireland

...he sits down next to an old, mangled Irishman who is clearly on his umpteenth drink of the afternoon.

As the American orders a beer, the Irishman leans over to him and says:

> What’d ya think of this bar, young man?

“It’s nice.” The American says, nonplussed. He just wan...

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Duffle Bag

A man walks into a bar carrying a duffle bag and places it on the bar. He says "My son just turned 21 and I would like to buy him a drink!" The bartender looks around and asks "Where's the birthday boy?" The man unzips the duffle bag and pulls the head of a 21 year old man out of it. The bartender g...

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A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.

The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled genitals. The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.

The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a pr...

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A man takes home a prostitute

After they get back, she starts undressing him, first starting with the socks.

Once she gets them off, she sees that his toes are all mangled. She asks the man what happened and he replies, "When I was a child I had toelio"
The prostitute asks, "Do you mean Polio?"
He assures her it was...

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Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

"I'm just fine"

A farmer is walking down a country road with his horse and dog on his way home from the fields. A truck hits them, the farmer is injured while the horse and dog are killed in the accident.

Later, the farmer takes the driver to court to sue for damages, while giving his statement the truck dri...

The Serengeti suffered a yearlong drought...

The Serengeti suffered a yearlong drought and, to survive, many animals took to eating their own. The Lion King vowed to resist this abominable fate. But his hunger grew until even he had to swallow his pride.

Unfunny Note: So, because it would be unethical to post jokes that are not your own...

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

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[Long] In the midst of World War 3, a fighter pilot is shot down behind enemy lines and taken prisoner.

Upon reaching the prisoner encampment, the pilot notices three tents in front of him before he is approached by the enemy commander.

"Prisoner! We will give you an opportunity to gain your freedom by completing three challenges in the tents behind me, which if successfully completed, you w...

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what do you get when you cross a rabbi and a priest....

two severely mangled corpses. i mean seriously Steve, WTF did you think was going to happen. Your a middle manager at a hardware store. you dont know the first thing about human anatomy. Jesus Christ DUDE. were going to jail for this. Were going to fucking prison man. you got an arm stapled to a ...

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A bartender walks into a bar

goes behind the counter and does 12 hours of serving drinks to indifferent faces. They don't care about his life. He delays going home to his wife by flirting with a waitress, but he knows she's just being nice.

He goes home to a wife who hands him divorce papers, and his son at her side, no...

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Can your dick reach (original version]

I am sick of seeing this joke mangled into the nonsense form that is always posted here, so for future reference this is how it goes:

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A five-year-old boy goes up to his grandpa and asks "Can I have a dollar to buy some candy?" The grandpa replies "Can ...

3 doctors boasting...

3 doctors are sitting down with a drink boasting about their exploits. The first doctor says: "I once I got a guy who had an accident in the shop. The whole arm ripped off. I sewed everything back tight. The guy was stronger than ever. He now pitches in the Major League."

Not to be out...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for mating season.

The farmer constructed a wall of barbed wire to segregate the bulls and the cows.

A few days later One Bull was already feeling very Horny.

Other bulls told him that there was one Veteran Bull Consultant in the herd, who could help. The bull went to him & asked how to cross the ...

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[LONG][STORY][NSFW] The King's Daughter's Guards

In a land that is far from here, but not so far from there, in an ancient time that is not so long ago, there lived a king.
Now, this king had a daughter, the most beautiful young woman in the entire world. As she grew to the age when suitors started appearing, the king grew paranoid that she w...

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The Texan in Alaska

1960, Alaska is now a state. A Texan moves up to Alaska determined to be a citizen of the largest state in the union. He walks into the first bar in Juneau and shouts "All right, I'm going to be an Alaskan! You there, Barkeep, I'm going to be an Alaskan! What do I have to do to become an Alaskan!" <...

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Paddy the Irishman dies in a horrific fire and his corpse needs to be identified

So the coroner brings in paddys two best friends, Mick and Joe. Mick goes in and tries to identify the mangled corpse, mick says "turn him over", the coroner does. Mick says "ahh jaysus no, that's not paddy".
So the coroner brings in Joe, Joe goes in, says to the coroner "turn him over", he does ...

A Blond a Brunet and a Redhead all go hunting...

When they get to the camp site, they set up their tents and the brunet immediately goes into the woods with her gun. A few hours later, well past dark she comes back to camp with a huge 8 point deer.
The Redhead and the Blonde are very impressed and ask her how she managed to kill it.
"I fo...

A wealthy merchant must leave to conduct business in a foreign land.

It is well known that the merchant's wife is promiscuous, so it is logical that he is always anxious when he embarks upon a long journey.

This time, however, the merchant decides enough is enough. The night before he is to set sail he makes wanton, passionate love to his beautiful wife, but ...

An armless homeless man walks into a church.

There was a help wanted sign on the door. He asks the priest what kind of help the church needs.

"Bell ringer" says the priest.
"I can ring a bell" says the armless homeless man.

The priest looked at the man with concern.

"I can do it, I really need this opportunity!" He pr...

Hand Surgery

A man suffers a traumatic accident that requires the surgical reconstruction of both his hands. It takes multiple operations, but eventually his mangled digits resemble something human again, and he regains full use of all of his fingers. Thankful but somber, he asks the surgeon, "But doc, will I ev...

A Bride and Groom just married are on their honeymoon...

the first night getting ready to consummate the marriage the bride starts to undo her new husbands clothes.

She starts by taking of his shoes and socks. To her surprise, she sees that his toes all mangled and gnarly, and asks 'Good heavens what is wrong with your toes?!'

The Groom exp...

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