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Irv Jokes

At Friday night's services, Morris asks his friend Irving.

"I need a favor, I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea but being Morris' life-long friend, he reluctantly agrees. After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sor...

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Sid and Irv are business partners.

They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late...

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Irving, do you remember?

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat you promised m...

Why won't Kyrie Irving and Ben Simmons play basketball?

Because they both won't take a shot.

If Kyrie Irving goes to the Nets

Does he get a New Jersey?

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Irving visits a nursing home

Irving is a Jewish widower who is getting up in years. His family is worried it may be time for Irving to go to a nursing home. They arrange for him to spend a weekend in a nursing home to see how he adjusts to it.

His eldest son Sheldon takes him to the home on Friday and tells his father he...

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Mabel and Irving have their 50th wedding anniversary

... And at the beginning of their marriage 50 years before, they had both solemnly sworn to each other to provide the other with a desired sexual favor on their 50th anniversary, no questions asked. Irving, being pushy, insists on getting his favor first. He knows his wife is a prude so whatever she...

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7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

Three old guys are sitting around in the park.....

discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, “I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me.”

“Aww, that’s nothing,” says Irv. “I can remember this nice, dark room, and then...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....

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An old Jew is sitting on a park bench

reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"

Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people....

The three wise men were visiting the little baby Jesus

As Melichior leans over to get a closer look at the infant he bumps his head on the roof of the manger and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Mary looks up and says, "What a nice name, I was going to call him Irving".

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Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cide...

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"
The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

A grasshopper walks in to a bar...

He orders a gin and soda. The bartender says,
"You know we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper looks around and says,
"You have a drink named Irving?"

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

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