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In Court Jokes

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Man in court.

The man who has a stammer, has been jailed.

The Judge has ruled he's unlikely to complete his sentence.

Man in court.

Man charged with using sandpaper to kill his victim.

Tells the court.

"I only wanted to rough him up a bit."

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

How does a cannibal defend himself in court?

He says: “If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.”

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient w...

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Mickey and Minnie were in court...

So, Mickey and Minnie were in divorce court.

Judge looked down at Mickey and asked "Let me get this straight. You want a divorce on the grounds of mental deficiency?"

Mickey looks at the judge "Mental deficiency, where did you get THAT idea? I said she was fucking Goofy!"

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

I was in court recently. The judge found me guilty of being 'Egotistical'

I am appealing

Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You’re Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I’m outta here

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

Funny husband in court

A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A man is in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence.

Why is it so hard to convict a mute person in court?

Its always your word against mime.

A man is up in court

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says...

Guy in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Jury finds the man not guilty, Judge says to the defendant, the Jury have found you not guilty, you are free to leave: The Guy then asks, does this mean I get to keep the money?

A football fan appears in court for battery

The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?

The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.

The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?

(The judge points at the refs battered face.)

The fan: yeah...

A Major of the 18th battalion has been convicted in court

He didn't receive corporal punishment

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

Silence in court

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

Before women were allowed in court...

We probably had more hung juries

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

3 ducks appear in court

Duck (a) stands in front of the judge .. as the judge looks down he asks ... Do you know why you're here ? ... Yes replied the duck .. I was blowing bubbles in the park and the next thing I know I'm getting arrested .. the judge looks shocked and drops all charges

Duck (b) gets called to the...

Grandma in Court!

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've ...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

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Heard in court.

An elderly lady was on trial for murder and the judge asked the woman to reitrate what had happend.

“Well, I had been on a date with this man, yes even at my age, and I asked him in for a cup of coffee. As we sat on the couch he put his arm around me.” The lady answered.

“That seems al...

In court

Judge: Do your swear to speak the truth and nothing other than the truth?

Convicted: depends, if it is something super personal like, what I ate at 3 days ago, I might lie

The convicted was being accused of cannibalism

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A fella was up in court

This fella was up in court being charged with murder.

The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer”

A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!”

The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daug...

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

A farmer was in court being questioned by a lawyer.

The lawyer asks the farmer ‘did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer replies ‘well I was crossing the road when the semi...’

The lawyer cuts him off and says ‘it’s a yes or no question. Did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer again starts to say ‘well I wa...

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What lawyers say in court

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He...

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.

Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor."

Officer: "That is correct."

Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?"

Officer: "The floor was still wet."

Did you hear about the deaf man that lost in court?

Sadly, that’s not the only hearing he lost.

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

Three Ducks are in Court

They are about to take to the stand against Judge Swan.

The first duck steps up.

“What is your name and why are you here?”, said Judge Swan

“My name is Quack and I’m here for blowing bubbles in the pond”

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the next duck.

The...

So I'm in court...

And the judge says "You are guilty on charge of manslaughter."

And I say "I object. I killed a woman."

A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars...

Judge: First offender?

Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

I hired a guy to represent me in court today.

He was very cheap and brought me the best cup of coffee. Unfortunately we lost the case.

He told me next time hire a barrister and not a barista.

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

Why was the capacitor in court?

It was charged with battery

Isaac Newton in court

"He hit me equally as hard back your honor!"

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

A pair of parents are in court for abusing their child...

The judge: Parents where do you think your child should stay since you lost custody.

The parents: we should send them to his grandparents they don’t beat him.

The child: no, they beat me too!

The parents: fine, your aunt and uncle

The child: you don’t get it everyone in o...

What was the acid and sodium chloride charged with in court?

A salt and battery

Why did Mona Lisa plead innocent in court?

She was framed

Keanu Reeves was charged in court today

for causing breathing difficulties to people around him

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A Man In Court

A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Fuck all," says the defendant.

The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?"

"He said 'fuck all' your honour."

The judge replies "are you sure, ...

I like defending myself in court.

So sue me.

A woman in court for stealing a tin of peaches....

The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?

She replied "four, your honour".

The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.

Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "she stole a tin of pe...

What does a lawyer have when he's in court for a short time?

A brief case.

A power cell held up charged in court.

It was battery related case.

[In Court Room]

Judge: How does the defendant plead.

Lawyer: like this your honor 'makes whiny noise' \*noooo i didnt do any crimes\*

Judge: HAHAHA do it again

A day in court....

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce?"

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the b...

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a ve...

Jerry Sandusky Penn State molestation charges affirmed in Court today.

Will there be a book?
"From Penn State to State Pen: The Jerry Sandusky Story."

Did you hear the Duracell bunny was in court last week?

He was charged with battery.

Did you hear about the lawyer who refused to represent U2 in court?

He didn’t want to work pro-Bono

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A lawyer is facing prosecution for masturbating in court

But he says he will probably be able to get himself off.

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

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A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

Four kids were being tried in court after some foul behavior at the zoo.

The judge asked each one of them to come forward, say their names, and what they had done.



The first child stepped forward and said, "My name is Jimmy, and I threw peanuts in the elephant pen."

The next said, "My name is Susan, and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
...

Did you hear about the guy in court for desecrating religious icons?

His case really fell apart on the cross examination.

An elderly woman appears in court for stealing

A can of peaches from the grocery store. The judge asks "how many peaches were in that can?" To which she replied "about 6 your honor."

"Very well then. 6 days in detention for you. I hope you've learned your lesson." When you suddenly hear her grumpy husband in the crowd "she also stole ...

My friend has been up in court for defacing library books

He was discovered tippexing all the full stops out, the judge said he should expect a long sentence.

A recently divorced couple were in court

battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:

"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the can...

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Smart ass in court

>Young man, where do you work? - *Asks the judge*

Here and there

>And what do you do?

This and that

>Take him to the cell!

Wait Your Honor, when will I leave?

>Sooner or later

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We were in court sorting out the finances in our divorce settlement.

The magistrate looks up and says "you have put down in your expenditure £1000 a month for scat sex with madame swish."

I replied "if I'm gonna have a woman shit on me every month I want to know I'm getting value for money."

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If a lawyer is defending the porn industry in court...

...are they doing pro boner legal work?

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

Electronic Arts, the games company, have had their lawyers in court stating that:

”There not loot boxes in our games, there surprise mechanics”.

Yeah right, that's like saying:

”It's not paedophilia its early access”.

Tony was in court filing for divorce just few months after marriage

Tony married one of a pair of identical twins.

A few months later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Would you tell the court your reason for wanting a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Tony began, "periodically my sister-in-law would come over
for a visit and...

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[In court] Me: Your honour, I was having sex between the hours of 10 and 11 on that day.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I just wanted to get it on the record.

Why can't Christians stay in court longer than a week?

Because on the seventh day they rest their case.

Why did the tear testify in court?

Because he was an eye wetness.

A women is in court for shoplifting a tin of peaches

The Judge says, you are a persistent offender, I've decided I'm going to make an example of you, I'm going to open a tin of peaches and for every peach I count, you will get a month in jail.

He counts 7 peaches, sentences her to 7 months inside and asks for her to be taken down.

As sh...

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