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Immensely Jokes

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times.
It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he...

India have contributed immensely in every field

But in maths? They have contributed zero

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

John woke up one morning immensely aroused...

...so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John texted:

The Tent Pole Is Up

The Canvas Is Spread

The Hel...

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After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".



^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

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An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swo...

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Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

Went to a restaurant with my wife and the host’s name was Alex. So I said “Table for 2 Alex”

We were the first Daily Double…

If anyone gets this joke I apologize immensely. Bad dry dad jokes are kinda my thing.

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A man goes to a brothel for his 18th birthday

His friends drive him up to a brothel and tell him that for his birthday he’s going to get his cherry popped by the best sex worker at the brothel. Before the birthday boy has his fun, one of his friends tells him to make sure to ask her to give him a “Penguin”. The birthday boy takes note of it. Th...

A Joke My Brain Told Me

As I was waking up from jumbled dreams this morning, I heard my brain telling this joke with no conscious input from me. I had to flesh out some details, but the gist of it is more or less what I remember. Of course, I have heard similar jokes, but this is my brain's spontaneous version.

A gu...

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The accommodating wife

A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love she must make more effort. She advises her to cook a slap-up meal and then send him drinking with his pals down the...

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

A husband and wife had been married for 14 years, and were having problems.

They both realized that they needed to see a marriage counselor. They found one that some friends said had helped them immensely. He invited them in and asked them what was going on. The husband just looked down, not knowing what to say, but the wife talked for 15 minutes straight, laying out issue ...

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A man walks into a brothel and asks: "Do you have something unusual?"

A man walks into a brothel and asks:

- Do you have something new, something unusual?
- We do, in fact! There's a girl that can suck and sing at the same time, but only with lights out!

The man agrees and pays for the girl. Enjoys the service immensely.

Before visiting again, ...

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The black sponge

One day Little Johnny (who was only 4 years old at the time) was taking a shower with his mother when all of a sudden, he noticed the space between his mother’s legs.

\- “Mum what’s that black spot between your legs?” he asked her, to which she replied

\- “Oh Johnny that’s just my lit...

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

A B-road walks into a Bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

5 minutes later an A road walks into a bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

The B-road moves to the opposite side of the bar, peeking frightfully over the top of his newspaper at the larger, higher maintenance A-road.

Later, a motorway walks into a bar, h...

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Enjoying a meal at a nice restaurant, ended up saving a life!

So I’m at a restaurant enjoying a nice meal with my wife. She’s ingesting the smoked pork jowl while I’m enjoying a nice rack of lamb cooked to perfection. All of a sudden at a few tables near us, the lady who’s splitting with her husband a smooth roast chicken (with an immensely enjoyable aroma) s...

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

The day of prom

The day of prom, a boy goes to pick his girlfriend up early, so they could spend the whole day together instead of just the evening. He asks her what she wants to do, and she tells him she wants to go get something to eat. When they try to find a place, however, they see that everywhere they try to ...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

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At a priest's ten year celebration service, a man is due to give a sermon...

Ten years ago a new vicar arrived at the parish. An immensely popular man, he was holding mass on the ten year anniversary, and a man from the village was due to give a sermon.

However, the time for the sermon came and there was no sign of the man. So the vicar stands up and addresses the pe...

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A man and his wife....

A man and his wife had been married for over forty years. Every night since their marriage, they would have sex. But one afternoon, the man is told by his doctor that he can't have sex with his wife anymore. Now wanting to punish his wife and leave her with out something to give her pleasure, the ma...

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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normally don't like longer jokes but, this is funny

A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening in port, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy, influential plantation owner (who also happened to be a very generous political donor). It read:

"Dear Ca...

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The English gentleman..

..Mr. Harold James Blessing was a renowned person. He’d retired from service in the British Army, and was revered and liked by all in the town for his best qualities.

One day, while visiting the countryside where he was quite popular, he spotted an immensely pretty, dazzling, drop dead gorgeo...

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