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Idl Jokes

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

Husband Wife idle chat...

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: ...

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

A blonde woman is sitting in a room, idly staring at a lamp.

...when a lawyer walks in and decides to make an extra buck off of her. He approaches her and asks: "Let's play a game. I will ask you a question and if you fail to answer, you owe me five dollars. Then you will ask me a question and this time, if I fail to answer then I owe you 500 dollars." The bl...

What do you call a neighbourhood full of idle novelists?

Writer's block.

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Idle Hands

If idle hands are the devil's playthings, he really likes to jerk me off.

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A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

The NEW CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them...

Have you lived here all your life?

asked a salesman of a lean, lantern-jawed Tennessee mountaineer who stood idly leaning against a rail fence.

The mountaineer shifted his weight from one foot to the other and replied, "Not yit."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.

First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."

Second guy said, "I ...

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A man rents a room, and pays extra on the condition the landlady prepare his work lunch every day...

So on the first day, she packs him a sandwich on normal sandwich bread, using the last night's leftovers of meatloaf, adding in some fruit and a bottle of soda.

When he comes home, he politely tells her that it wasn't quite enough food for him.

The next day, she makes two sandwiches (...

Anyone who says

Idle hands are the devil’s plaything has clearly never been around a toddler. Those hands don’t stop moving and they cause all hell to break loose

Have you heard of the new Jason Bourne movie about his retirement?

It's called Bourne Idle.

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A lady brought her car into my shop the other day

It had a rough idle. I adjusted and cleaned the carburetor. Called the lady to come pick it up, and when she got there she asked what was going on. I said "shit in the carb". She said "how often do I need to do that?"

As they loaded my mother-in-law into the ambulance...

...I reached into my wallet and pulled out all the cash I had. Taking the arm of the paramedic, I offered him the money.

"I know it's not much", I said (it was £80), "but please, if you can, see what you can do"

He looked into my tear soaked eyes, the blue lights from the ambulance mak...

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

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You're Fired

There is a young man standing on the factory floor, appearing idle.

The CEO of the organisation sees him. He storms up and says, "tell me, what do you earn in a year?"

The young man responds "$1,000"

The CEO reaches into his wallet and pulls out $1,000. He hands it to the you...

I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards

But idling busses are exhausting.

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

...

I wanted to move a statue of a god

But it remained idle.

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

If I pray in traffic...

am I an idle worshipper?

What's the talent show where the contestants do basically nothing?

"American Idle"

A guy wearing full camo sneaks into a bar

He tip-toes his way through the few customers idling about and tries to sneak behind the counter, but an invisible force violently pushes him back.

Realizing he's somehow been detected, he tries to escape from the bar only to be thwarted by another stern shove blocking his exit.

The ba...

Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin. Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he'd hide his treasure in the kingdom's Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he find that his pockets have run dry and desperately n...

On a cruise ship

A man is standing on deck, idly watching the water. On a nearby island, he spots somebody. He strains his eyes to see, and can make out that it is a very thin, dirty looking man with wild hair. He watches him jump up and down, wave, run along the beach and can even faintly make out that he man is ye...

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Mechanic

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping ...

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

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Little Johnny is in class giving a test.

He gets done with it way before everyone else, and now gets to sit in silence while everyone else gets done with theirs. Having nothing else to do, he idly begins doodling on the corner of his paper to kill time, and when the time's up, he hands his paper in with everyone else.

Later during t...

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A husband dies and goes into limbo for judgement

While there he sees an angel who is the gatekeeper for the gate to heaven. At the gate, the angel says "You have done enough good deeds in your life for me to grant passage into heaven." "But first, I want you to spell out a word for me, and if you get it correct, I can let you enter." The man says ...

New Lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the p...

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

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The United Kingdom and their wide variety of fucks.

Two men are at the bar, making some idle conversation. One of the men is a linguist, and decides to tell his friend an interesting story.

"Hey, man! Did you know that, in the UK, each country has its own version of 'fuck?'"

His friend replies, "I haven't heard of that before, man. What...

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast...

....when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.


An station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the...

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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up. The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet! See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts." Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisse...

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A man is waiting to cross a busy intersection

And after waiting a few seconds it seems clear for him to walk.

He starts his way across the intersection.

When he gets to the middle of the intersection he hears the roar of an engine barreling down on him.


So he moves to his left to dodge the car, the car moves to his le...

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So a you see a group of hot blondes walk into the bar

and claimed a booth, Greg had idly thought it was probably time for a bachelorette party or a girls' night out.

When a group of religious leaders had strolled through and gathered at the bar, he had wondered—a little more actively—if he had ever actually seen any such persons in his bar befor...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

agent...

A poor man is idly wandering down the street. When he is in front of a restaurant he notices a bearded man in a fine suit dining inside. What is not to notice?
The guy has ordered many dishes and is having quite a feast. The poor man, with his mouth watering, carries on watching the guy from the...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

Kids

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you....

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[att. Aesop] The Miller and His Son

A MILLER and his son were driving their Ass to a neighboring fair to sell him.

They had not gone far when they met with a troop of women collected round a well, talking and laughing. "Look there," cried one of them, "did you ever see such fellows, to be trudging along the road on foot when...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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