Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?

Whenever he had the energy he didn't have the time.

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thin...

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

Heisenberg is driving to a convention to show off his new Uncertainty Principle

On the way he observes the speedometer, and finds himself lost.

Heisenberg was traveling on the highway

Heisenberg was traveling on the highway when he got pulled over by a cop. The cop says to him

"Do you know that you were going 85 miles an hour?" Heisenberg says "Great! Now I don't know where I am!"

A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime

The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...

Heisenberg is pulled over by a Highway Patrolman

"Mister, do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop.

"No," replies Heisenberg.

"I clocked you at 87 miles per hour!" the cop exclaims.

Heisenberg sighs. "Great, now I don't know where I am..."

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Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?

Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

Heisenberg be like “i know a spot"

but unsure about the momentum.

A police officer pulled over Werner Heisenberg.

The officer said “I clocked you going 75.”

Heisenberg replied “Great, now I’m lost!”

Why was Heisenberg’s wife unhappy?

Because when he had the momentum, he didn’t have the position.

Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek...

...Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on th...

Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway

maybe going to a seminar, when they get pulled over by the CHP. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look"...

Heisenberg is running for office.

I can't tell where he stands on the issues.

Why does Heisenberg hate driving?

He gets lost every time he checks the speedometer.

The only dance I know how to do is The Heisenberg

Because it changes when I’m being observed.

Heisenberg's joke

*Knock knock*

Who's there?

I am the one

I am the one who?

*Knock knock*

I hear Heisenberg and his wife are having problems

When he has the time, he doesn't have the energy, and when he has the position, he can't get the momentum.

I asked my bookshop if they had a book on Werner Heisenberg.

The shop assistant said "In principle we do, but I'm uncertain".

Werner Heisenberg is driving down a highway...

...when he sees a police car is flashing its lights at him. He pulls over, and so does the cop. The cops gets out, taps on Heisenberg's window, he rolls it down.
"Sir," the cop asks, "do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," Heisenberg replies, "but I know where I am."

The Heisenberg joke

Heisenberg was driving his car. Until he was stopped by the police.
Police office: do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but i know my position.
(/s "The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (simply) is that you dont know the position, if you know the momentum. Therefor...

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway...

After they pass mile marker 16, a state trooper pulls them over for speeding. The trooper goes up to the window and sees Heisenberg behind the wheel.

Trooper: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going when you passed that mile marker?"
Heisenberg: "Well I certainly don't know now ...

Werner Heisenberg just unveiled a new car...

It comes with a GPS or a speedometer, but not both.

A cop car pulls over Heisenberg as he's driving on the highway...

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
Officer: Well, you were going EXACTLY 100 mph.
Heisenberg: Great! Now I'm lost!

Shout-out to my physics professor for making the Heisenberg uncertainty principle less boring today.

Heisenberg and Schrödinger were in a car when...

they suddenly hit something. Heisenberg, who was the driver, exclaimed, "Oh no! I think I just hit a cat!" Schrödinger asks, "Is it dead?" Then Heisenberg says, "You know, I'm not quite sure."

Heisenberg gets pulled over (Nerd humor)

Finding great success as a scientist Heisenberg decides to buy a sports car. He is blazing down the highway when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and asks: "Do you have *any* idea how fast you were going?!"

Heisenberg looks at him and replies: "No...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

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Why did Heisenberg have a miserable sex life?

Because when he found the correct position, he didn't have the momentum, and when he finally found the time, he didn't have the energy.

Heisenberg & Schrodinger

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding along in Schrodinger's car, a police man pulls them over and asks the driver, Heisenberg, if he knows how fast he was going, to this Heisenberg replies
"I do not know how fast I was going, because I know exactly where I am"
After this weird answer the p...

Graffiti on the wall of the physics department

Heisenberg might have been here

Science Humor

Physicist: "There's a hotel in Germany with a plaque stating that Heisenberg may have slept here."
Me: "Really?"
Physicist: "Well, I'm not sure..."

(as heard in an 'Inspector Lewis' episode)

How many Heisenbergs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you know the number, you don't know where the socket is.

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My favorite joke I'm sure you've heard it before.

So Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car driving down the freeway when a cop pulls them over. The cop comes to the window and asks,

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No but I know exactly where I am."

"You were doing 120mph in a 60mph zone!" Say...

Never, ever ask a woman her age; a man his salary.

And an electron's position and momentum simultaneously, to Heisenberg.

Best science jokes

I need a great list of the dorkiest geekiest nerdiest science jokes ever. Here's one to start you off:

Why was Heisenberg a terrible lover? Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy. And when he had the energy he didn't have the time

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Four scientists are driving down the road, when...

Four famous scientists are driving together and get pulled over.

The cop walks up and yells at the driver, "You were going 100 miles an hour!" Heisenberg throws up his hands and yells back, "Great! Now I'm lost."

"What's in that garbage bag you're holding?" the cop asks the front passe...

How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the lightbulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3

Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.

Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.


Invitation to a Scientists' ball

Some of the replies from the scientists invited:

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current re...

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Problems In Bed

A man and his girlfriend were having sex for the first time. The man says to his girlfriend, "So you know exactly what position I'm in?"
She replies, "Yes,"
The man repeats, "You know EXACTLY what position I'm in?"
The girlfriend, slightly annoyed snappped, "Yes, I know EXACTLY what positi...

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park

A physicist, a mathematician, and a biologist were in the park eating lunch.

As they eat they see two people walk into a house.

After a while they see three people leave the house.

The physicist says "Simple, due to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, the universe has spontaneou...

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