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Grasshoppers Jokes

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My 11 yo just made this up....

If grasshoppers eat grass, what do cockroaches eat?

Mr Grasshopper and Mr Centipede had plans to go jogging today. Centipede knocks on Grasshoppers door and nobody answers.

After a coupled failed attempts Grasshopper this time knocked while yelling “Mr Centipede! You home? Hello?” Still nobody answers.

Grasshopper then starts ringing the doorbell yelling even louder in a loud voice “ You said 10am now where are you!!??”

Mr Centipede comes to the door a...

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What’s the last thing that goes through a grasshoppers head when he hits the windshield?

His ass.

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

What music didn't the Beatles invent?

Hip Hop, the weren't grasshoppers after all

The Aussie and Texan

A Texan had flown to Australia to see his cousins farm. As the Texan arrives he remarks,

"Wow you call the little thing a truck, Over in Texas our trucks are three times as big" the Aussie farmer, standing next to ute shrugs and starts to show the Texan around.

As they a reach paddock ...

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The young monk talks to his wise master.

Young Monk: "Oh, dear Master, the days pass by and I still can't perfect the art of yoga. Why is that?"

Master: "Well, Do you see the water in a river, flowing effortlessly yet always stronger than the hardest of rocks?"

Monk: "Yes Master."

Master: "Do you see the clouds, giving...

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

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When I was 10

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumb...

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