Cope With Jokes - 31 Hilarious Cope With Jokes

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

People always ask me, “How does one cope with erectile dysfunction?”

Honestly, it’s not that hard.

My girlfriend says she can't cope with delivering any more babies.

I think it's just a midwife crisis.

To cope with stress you either need to have a strong spirit...

...or strong spirits

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

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I hit a wall trying to cope with my irrational fear of sex

But I eventually got over the hump

How do you cope with a broken toilet seat?

You just have to make doo.

'How To Cope With Disappointment' ;-)

Saw a sign outside of an office building which said
"Today's workshop 'How To Cope With Disappointment' has been cancelled"

How did the pastor cope with cheating on his wife?

With thots and prayers

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

The fortune teller told me I’d lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.

To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions.

I call it:
Prose and Cons

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

I've been clean for 52 days now.

It's weird to shower everyday but at least I got the heroin to cope with it.

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he’s just depressed.

He’s trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.

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A man got an urgent message at work saying his wife had been in a car accident and was in the hospital.

So the man rushed to the hospital and was met in the lobby by the surgeon who had just operated on his wife.

Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir but the damage to you wife's spinal cord was catastrophic. She'll never walk again. In fact she'll most likely be a helpless invalid for ...

Gene Therapy

The act of watching Gene Wilder films to cope with the loss of Gene Wilder.

This is the place for wordplay, right?

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

Russian archeologists made a big discovery

As they dug a 100 meter deep hole, they found old copper wires. They made a big, worldwide announcement that the Russians were an advanced species. Even 1000 years ago they already had a copper network.

The Americans couldn't cope with the Russians being advanced longer than the Americans, so...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine...

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.
“It’s a unique species of oak...

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

An Army captain receives a message

The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"

The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"

A general overhears this a...

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Old man is lying on his deathbed

He has 3 daughters that all are married. He tells them to call their husbands because he has last wish and he needs them.

When they come, he speaks to them: "It is a long time tradition in this family to put $1000 in a coffin of a dead person, because that grants him good life in another wor...

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

[Long] Story about soldier and friend

A soldier named Peter is deployed overseas for war and stay in contact with his friend Ben by writing letters.

In the first letter to the soldier:

Dear Pete:
I’m sorry to say, but your favorite cat Fluffy keeled
over dead yesterday.
Sincerely,
Ben

Peter is obviousl...

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