Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.

The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.

The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Hashem help me, ...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

What do you call a Cuban Atheist?

Infidel Castro.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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A priest and an atheist are playing golf.

The priest is okay, but the atheist is shit. He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says ‘Damn, missed!’ The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word ‘damn’, and eventually snapped. He said, ‘Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!’ There’s an i...

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

The Pope discussing the existence of god with an out and out atheist

As the discussion goes on it gets more and more heated and at one point the annoyed Pope hollers -

"You are like a man who is totally blindfolded in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there"

And the fella said,
"With all respect, Your Holiness, I think there is a great...

What do you call a priest that is secretly an atheist?

An impastor.

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

I went to see my atheist doctor yesterday

He gave me an apostate check

What do you call a group of atheists?

A non-prophet

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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

Why are atheists bad at exponents?

Because they don’t believe in a higher power.

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

My mate is a dyslexic atheist...

He doesn't believe there is one true dog.

Why are herbivores atheist?

Cuz they don’t prey

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

An atheist, a vegan, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

One morning, an atheist was walking through a beautiful forest

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled

He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside

He thought to himself: "what a beautiful world mother nature has created"

The atheist had walked a little fu...

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The ole cowboy

An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would yo...

If The Atheists don't believe in religion, what do you call people that don't believe in science.

The Stupidest.

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

I'm an atheist, but I plan on converting to Christianity on my deathbed.

I figure better safe than sorry. I don't want to end up in hell with the Evangelicals.

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

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A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.

And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.

Have you heard about the atheist dial-a-prayer service?

When you call no-one answers

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

An atheist dies and goes to hell...

... The devil greets him there
"Hey! Uhm... Welcome.
Listen, you were born, raised and died an atheist.
So I don't know which specific hell I should put you in.
Tell you what, I'll show you some of the popular hells and let you pick one."

They enter a big gate and head to the nea...

As an atheist, I was upset when my son became a priest but then he passed away.

Now I'm being haunted by the father, my son, and the holy ghost.

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender sees them and asks, "What is this, a joke?"

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of the sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:...

A Jewish Atheist sends his son to school.

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, “I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” The boy’s father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his so...

A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

I'm a dyslexic atheist..

so I sold my soul to Santa

I’m an atheist with a god complex

I don’t believe in myself

How does a dyslexic atheist feel about God?

He thinks that they’re truly man’s best friend.

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

Airplanes are atheist.

Jets are religious.

Why? Because Jetspray.

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

I was a Buddhist in my past life but now I’ve decide to be atheist.

I didn’t want to do this _again_

On the atheist tombstone:

All dressed up and no place to go.

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Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

Original: An Atheistic sailor goes out for a drink...

An Atheistic sailor goes out for a drink in a new town when he spots a likely-looking place named "The One Eyed Man".

People have already lined up to get in. As he joins them, he notice that most of the men in the line are wearing eye patches. All of them in fact.

Just then, a flock of...

As an atheist, I hate waking up

It's always an ungodly hour.

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic?

You get a guy that stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Every day, a woman stood on her porch and shouted ,"Praise the Lord!"

And every day the atheist next door yelled, "There is no Lord!"

One day she prayed, "Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries."

The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.

"Ha! I told you there was no Lord," her neighbour said, j...

I used to be atheist

But then I saw her face

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What’s the difference between an evangelist and an atheist?

Atheists don’t fuck kids and lie about believing in God

If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs?

The same.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

How can you tell the difference between a theist and an atheist?

Ask them to read GODISNOWHERE

Why are all engineers atheist?

They neglect the higher order.

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so diff...

Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?

He's going to he'll

What does a Muslim call his atheist girlfriend?

Harambae

I'm an atheist....

But my mom isn't.

She likes to say she's so religious she didn't just drink the kool-aid, she ate the packet it came in.

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

Religious wars to an atheist's standpoint

are just people fighting over who has the better imaginary friend

Recently, an outspoken atheist bought a local bookstore

The first change he made was renaming the religious section Crucifiction

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.

"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"



The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"



"I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it ...

What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?

Well I’ll be damned.

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

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