Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jehovah's Witness, a Muslim, a Jew, and an atheist die in a plane crash

They find themselves standing before a long white hallway filled with many doors. An angel stands before them smiling and beckons them forward.

"Welcome to the afterlife" greets the angel. He then turns to the Jehovah's Witness first and asks "who is your god?"

The man from New York re...

An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...

I only know because they won't shut up about it.

A Priest asks an atheist, what if god is real?

Atheist: He will forgive me

Priest: Why?

Atheist: Its his fault I am an atheist.

Why do atheists struggle with exponents?

They don’t believe in a higher power.

Isn’t it funny when atheists name their child Christian…

I would’ve thought Godfrey would be more fitting

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

Why did the atheist fail his math class?

He didn't believe in a higher power.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic and an atheist

Someone who doesn’t believe in dogs

Here’s a simple way of converting an atheist to a theist.

Just give them a little space.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist on an airplane has a response

An atheist was seated next to a girl on an airplane and he turned To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the stranger, "What would you want to talk about...

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

I’m an atheist but…

If I found out God was real I’d be like “No way”. And then God would be like “Yahweh”

For Christians, Jesus is always the answer. What’s always the answer to atheists?

Your mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

What do you call a Cuban Atheist?

Infidel Castro.

What did the Atheist mother say to her Catholic son when he tried to say grace?

"Don't pray with your food"

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

What do you call a priest that is secretly an atheist?

An impastor.

What do you call a group of atheists?

A non-prophet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

An atheist comes into a mall

And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".

Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and an atheist are playing golf.

The priest is okay, but the atheist is shit. He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says ‘Damn, missed!’ The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word ‘damn’, and eventually snapped. He said, ‘Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!’ There’s an i...

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

God, Atheist, and the Bear.

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in towards the man. The atheist screams in terror, " Oh God, help me!! "

Suddenly, everything - the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but th...

I went to see my atheist doctor yesterday

He gave me an apostate check

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

My mate is a dyslexic atheist...

He doesn't believe there is one true dog.

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

One morning, an atheist was walking through a beautiful forest

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled

He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside

He thought to himself: "what a beautiful world mother nature has created"

The atheist had walked a little fu...

Why are herbivores atheist?

Cuz they don’t prey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.

And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

I'm an atheist, but I plan on converting to Christianity on my deathbed.

I figure better safe than sorry. I don't want to end up in hell with the Evangelicals.

A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

Have you heard about the atheist dial-a-prayer service?

When you call no-one answers

An atheist dies and goes to hell...

... The devil greets him there
"Hey! Uhm... Welcome.
Listen, you were born, raised and died an atheist.
So I don't know which specific hell I should put you in.
Tell you what, I'll show you some of the popular hells and let you pick one."

They enter a big gate and head to the nea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many kinds of people?

(Inspired by the joke "there are 2 kinds of people, those who say there are 2 kinds of people and everyone else)

An interfaith conference is held on diversity. An attendee from each religion addresses their view on the kinds of people in the world.

An atheist rushes the podium and says...

How does a dyslexic atheist feel about God?

He thinks that they’re truly man’s best friend.

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender sees them and asks, "What is this, a joke?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

A Jewish Atheist sends his son to school.

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, “I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” The boy’s father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his so...

I'm a dyslexic atheist..

so I sold my soul to Santa

As an atheist, I was upset when my son became a priest but then he passed away.

Now I'm being haunted by the father, my son, and the holy ghost.

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of the sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:...

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,

"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

On the atheist tombstone:

All dressed up and no place to go.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an atheist and a dyslexic?

You get a guy that stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists…

There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

Airplanes are atheist.

Jets are religious.

Why? Because Jetspray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an evangelist and an atheist?

Atheists don’t fuck kids and lie about believing in God

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

I was a Buddhist in my past life but now I’ve decide to be atheist.

I didn’t want to do this _again_

How can you tell the difference between a theist and an atheist?

Ask them to read GODISNOWHERE

As an atheist, I hate waking up

It's always an ungodly hour.

How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

I used to be atheist

But then I saw her face

If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs?

The same.

An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ.

"Well, I'll be damned."

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so diff...

Why are all engineers atheist?

They neglect the higher order.

An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.

"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"



The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"



"I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it ...

Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?

He's going to he'll

What does a Muslim call his atheist girlfriend?

Harambae

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

Religious wars to an atheist's standpoint

are just people fighting over who has the better imaginary friend

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?

Well I’ll be damned.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.