Artie Jokes

So he arranges for an audience with the mob boss and makes an offer. “I’ll do anything you ask for 1 dollar.” The boss thinks it over, “ok my rival boss shops at Safeway everyday at 11:00 I want you to be there and kill him.” So he waits at the Safeway until he sees the rival boss, walks up behind h... read more

There once was an assassin named Artie. Artie's specialty was killing his victims by choking them to death. One day, Artie was given a $10,000 contract to kill a sleazy stockbroker. Artie went to the stockbroker\`s office and choked him to death. Just as the stockbroker died, his secretary came ... read more

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend o... read more

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff... read more

There once was a Hitman named Big Artie.

Things were tough in the Underworld at thew time, what with the Financial Crisis lately and such, the market hasn't been kind to his business. Because of this, he decides that he needs to put down the prices - It's been months since he'd had a job and ... read more

So Artie goes to the Mafia and asks if he can join. Big Joe, Head Mafia, replies with,"You must kill a man with a sniper with no hesitations." Artie takes a big gulp and says, "I'm on it sir."

He comes back to Big Joe and has proof that he completed his mission. "Good job Artie! Now you must... read more

I heard this one a long time ago.

A man tired of his cheating wife and wants to have her killed. He asked some of his friends and his and as soon referred to a local hitman named Artie.

The man meets Artie in a local bar and tells him that his wife is cheating on him and he wants her w... read more

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa... read more

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as... read more

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help m... read more

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o... read more

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"


Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader,... read more

She didn't believe I was god.



(Credit: Artie Lange)