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Apologises Jokes

69

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she ca...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

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A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

A woman goes on a business trip overseas, leaving her husband behind to look after the house and kids.

After a few days she calls up to see how everything is.

"Everything's fine" he says. "The kids are finally sleeping OK without you here, and my boss has given me an extra week off until you're back. Oh! I forgot to say, the cat's dead! She was hit by a car!"

"What!?" Says the wife. "A...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

An old man walks into a bar. He apologises to the barman, he has no money.

But, if he were allowed to entertain the clientele, maybe the barman could give him a drink on the house. The barman tells him go ahead.

The old man reaches into a bag beside him and takes out harmonica, then a tin box and finally a duck.

He places the box on the floor, the duck on t...

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A man gets pulled over at a DUI checkpoint...

A man is driving home from a party with his wife and son. They get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the policeman gives the man the breathalizer test. The machine beeps and the policeman asks the man to step out of the car.

"Bullshit!", he exclaims in response. "I haven't had a single drop...

A Scotsman crashes his car into an English mans car,he apologises and says to the driver have a wee dram of whisky,it'll calm you down and pours him a large one.he drinks that and gladly accepts another one.he gulps that down and says to the Scotsman aren't you having one? The Scotsman replied ..

No,not until the police have arrived.

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

An Irishman walks into a Library

An Irishman walks into a Library and asks loudly: "One Fish and Chips please."

The Librarian gives him a confused look and says "Sir, this is a Library."

The Irishman apologises, leans forward and whispers: *"One Fish and Chips please."*

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A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.

"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" ...

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A guy and his girlfriend are at a party. After getting a bit drunk, they decide to head back to her parents house.

As they sneak into her bedroom, she whispers, "listen, I still share a room with my sister, but she's an extremely deep sleeper. As long as we don't cause too much commotion and keep the lights off, she'll never know we're here".

The girlfriend takes off her clothes and climbs onto the bed....

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A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check...

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A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is taking shots while the nun counts how many holes he makes. The priest takes his first shot and misses, "oh shit" he exclaims. Father! Dont swear its a sin! The upset nun says.
The priest apologises and takes another shot and misses again; "oh shit" he says.
Father! Its a sin to ...

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A man with his pet monkey walks into a bar

As he is ordering a drink the monkey sneaks away and, when no one is looking, it steals the cherry on top of a woman's drink and eats it. This annoys the woman and the man apologises for the actions of his pet monkey and leaves. He returns the next day and once again, when no one is looking the monk...

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Two brothers come across two fields at night.

Two brothers come across two fields at night. One field is full of watermelons, the other one is full of olive trees.

The two brothers decide to steal some olives and watermelons so they could eat it at home. One brother goes to the watermelon field, the other one goes to the olive trees fie...

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3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps....

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

A wife his her husband with a rolling pin

A wife hits her Husband with a rolling pin, the husband says “ouch! What was that for?”

The wife then tells him “I found a piece of paper with the name Jenny on it”

The husband then tells her that Jenny was the name of the horse he put a bet on last week.

The wife apologises to ...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

Donald Trump is walking along a beach

He stumbles over an old bottle, he picks it up and pulls the cork.
With a flash of light and a puff of smoke a Genie appears before him.

"Thank you Donald for releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you any 1 wish"

Trump immediately blurts out "I want a Dragon like from game of t...

A man comes across a sleeping elephant in the jungle...

Apologises and wipes it off.

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

Horse walks into a bar...

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says “why the long face”.

The horse looks disappointed, and says “that’s a shame that I come into this bar expecting to relax but instead get treated with disrespect and stereotyped for my looks in the assumption that I don’t have feelings”.

The barma...

A couple are walking through a graveyard and see a man crying at a graveside.....

As they get closer they stop talking to show respect, and overhear him crying: "Why did you have to die? My life was so perfect. I'd wake up every day happy and looking forward to life. Now everything is black, and I wake up every day wondering how much longer I can go on."
He notices the ...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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A freshman at Harvard wanted to go to the library

So he stopped and asked a senior student, “Do you know where the library is at?”

The senior looks disgustingly at him, and, with a snobbish tone replied, “Hmph! We here at Harvard never end our sentences with prepositions!”

“I’m sorry”, the freshman apologises, “I meant to say, do you ...

The Pope and the Police

Once, while travelling, the pope was bored.
He turned to the chauffeur and said "Why don't you let me have a go? I've never driven before, it looks fun!"

The chauffeur was not overly enthusiastic but he reluctantly swapped places.
The pope started enjoying himself, and decided to find o...

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador and takes a seat.

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man doesn't miss a beat and replies, "Excuse me, this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender apologises profusely and says, "Here, the first one's on me."

The man walks over and takes a seat near the door. Soon, another man walks in wi...

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A man sitting in the back of a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask a question...

The driver screams and loses control of the car causing it to veer off the road, narrowly missing a group of people and comes to a stop just before hitting a shop window.

For a moment , everything goes quiet in the taxi, then the driver says, "Oi mate, don't do anything like that again. You s...

A farmer goes to the bank for a loan

He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully he can get a good crop.

The banker apologises and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the ban...

Helium walks into a bar and orders water.

The bartender apologises, "sorry sir we are out of water"
...
It doesn't react

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A man buys a house in a new neighbourhood

The next morning, at 8, the man's neighbour rings his doorbell. The guy wakes up and opens the door, still in half-sleep.

"Hey. Sorry to wake you up, but you parked your car right in front of mine. I can't get mine out, and I am running late for office." The neighbour says.

"Oh, I'm r...

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A Radio talkshow have a competition for a new word....

As the show goes on there’s a few entries but nothing decent until a man called John dials in with his suggestion
Presenter : Hi John let’s hear what your suggestion is
John : My word is Goan
Presenter : Okay John can you use it in a sentence
John : Goan fuck your self
- Presenter cu...

Celebrity Race-car Driver Lewis Hamilton Walk into a country golf club in England

He sees the woman on reception and enquires about joining the club.

Looking slightly disappoint, the woman at the desk tells Lewis that unfortunately the club has a very old rule which states only white people can become members.

She apologises for the out of date rule but says that ...

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A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

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Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other ma...

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A woman walks into a hotel and asks for a room. She pays the 100$ and goes upstairs.

The hotel manager quickly grabs the 100$ and run next door, where he pay the local prostitute the 100$ he owes her.

The local prostitute quickly runs to the baker and pays him the 100$ she owes him for not paying last days bread.

The baker, who still hadn't paid for the birthday pork f...

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A man orders an expensive, 12 year old whiskey.

A man orders an expensive 12 year old whiskey. The bartender has only one bottle left of the 12 year old whiskey, and doesn't want to open it. Instead, he pours the man a 4 year old whiskey, thinking that the man won't know the difference.

The drink is passed to the man and he takes a drink,...

A charity checks its records, and realises that a successful lawyer has not made any donations.

So, a representative from the charity posts the lawyer a visit. "Our records show you haven't made any donations to us."

The lawyer replies, "Did your records show that my mother is ill with massive medical bills, my sister was left pennies with four children when her husband suddenly died, a...

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

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A factory manager escorts his boss from head office around his site when they open a room to two employees having sex

Immediately the factory manager slams the door shut and apologises profusely to his boss.

"Fire him!" screams the boss.

"Well, actually he is six months into designing some software that we've paid six hundred thousand pounds for, and he'll be finished in another month." retorts the fa...

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A chap goes to the doctor about his erectile disfunction

A chap goes to the doctor about his erection, and the kindly doctor prescribes him some Viagra. He explains to him that he needs to take it an hour before the act, so the next night the chap gets home early and prepares a romantic dinner for his wife.

He then calls her in the office where she...

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The woodland critters decide to open a public restroom...

They all participate as best they can to build it, and Owl, the mayor of the woods gives it to the public. The next day as Owl is taking a stroll, he notices that one of the windows is smashed.

He calls an urgent meeting where all the animals gather together.

\- I am sorry for this bot...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop...

...and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

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